The Return?

Greetings to all 4 of my followers!  It's been a solid year away from the blog and I must say that I've missed it (on occasion).  Maybe it's time to bring it back? 

How Soon is Now?

I’ve never been known as indecisive or afraid of a challenge…especially if the odds are against my success. Throughout my life, people have always told me I couldn’t achieve or I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, resourceful enough, etc. to overcome the odds. It’s made every success that much better knowing I “stuck it” to the haters and proved them wrong. I set the bar high for all my endeavors and rarely, if ever, conceded defeat.

One of the most dominant components of my personality is the underdog determination to succeed at all costs and push myself far beyond the boundaries of my limits. This trait has served me well but I often don’t know when to simply walk away from a challenge. I’m not advocating quitting (i.e. The Palin technique) but knowing when to say “Enough…the effort isn’t worth the reward”. I finally reached that point with dating so I’m officially reaching acceptance of my single status and no longer actively pursuing activities to change this status.

What? Esc giving up on dating? Not exactly…I’m just giving up on the futile online searching, speed dating events, etc. and settling into my life. If I meet a nice girl out and about then “game on” but no more hours spent searching through profiles that have never met the truth or going to events that just seem to recycle the same old crowd. I’ve reached a point in life where I can honestly say, “Enough…time to move on and live my life even if it means living it solo from here on out”.

This revelation has been months in the making but I've embraced acceptance which is the first step towards moving on. I’ve spent far too many years being less than happy and it was time for a change…even if it meant admitting that I failed to achieve my goal. The Road to Acceptance (Pardon the reference to a Green Day song but this one is back in the day when they were actually cool) is different for everyone…here’s my path:

1) I’ve started doing a lot more things that I’ve never done before like going out for breakfast every weekend, planning trips for one, etc. The breakfast thing was a bit awkward at first but now it feels completely natural and normal. I used to avoid places with all the happy couples but now I just go and do my own thing.

2) Set new goals to fill the void (and my free time). The new goals are all around my cycling and I’m breaking through plateaus that a year ago I wouldn’t have even considered possible. Yes, I’m logging a lot of saddle time (which leads to plenty of time to think) but I’m not consumed with thoughts about why I can’t seem to meet anyone (or why the ones I do meet just don’t seem to fit).

3) Cut off the Internet searches and websites…especially The Fish!

The Fish is the place where the desperate end up after all the pay sites have failed to produce anything other than laughs, sighs of frustration and the general sense that you're completely alone in the universe. While I have a love/hate relationship with The Fish!, I knew I had to scan the site one last time.

Long time readers (or anyone savvy enough to use the right hand menu to look up old entries) will remember the last dating disaster with MM and then the subsequent posting to The Fish looking for exactly what she had in Esc. I’ve become accustomed to seeing people I didn’t expect out there but I found something quite unexpected today!

The final search brought up a profile for Delilah (aka The Witness Protection date)! This find was most unexpected but I’m truly happy to see that she’s free and clear of the program and able to live a full and complete life. For those who don’t know, this was my experiment with dating outside of my usual “type” that ended with her completely disappearing off the face of the earth. I spent weeks (not really) blaming myself for her entrance into witness protection and ruining her life! If I had a dollar for every woman who said I ruined her life, I’d have $3.

(Note to EP and the Dietz: Since you know Delilah, I have one word about revealing the blog contents: DISCRETION. I’d hate to have to post a link to a certain video.)

Maybe things would be different with Delilah now as spending a few months with MM got me back into the swing of dating but we’ll never know as I don’t live in the past and I’ve got no time to re-tread old ground. The rest of my life is waiting and I intend to live it out loud and to the fullest….even if that means living it alone.  No regrets...

70 just turned Chuck Norris…

I’m taking my life into my own hands but this is worth the risk. You probably didn’t know this but on March 10th, Chuck Norris officially turned 70 years old. After the federally mandated 7 day waiting period, I can finally wish him Happy Birthday…and then promptly seek witness protection to avoid his roundhouse kick!

“Why are you afraid of Chuck Norris’ round house kick?” you might ask. My reply: “Why aren’t you afraid!?!?!?!” Chuck’s prowess is legendary as chronicled in these 100% true, verified facts:

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out…and gives you a round house kick to the head!

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

I’m not the only person afraid of Chuck Norris...whole companies are afraid of him too! Don’t believe me, try Googling “Google wont search for Chuck Norris”.

Google isn’t afraid of anything…Microsoft, Yahoo or even China. But China is afraid of Chuck Norris! There are plenty of stories about why the great wall was built but here’s the truth:

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

But Chuck forgave China and decided to allow them to make his Chuck Norris Action Jeans.

Never heard of them? They were manufactured back in the 80’s and allowed you to kick the cr*p out of people and still wear jeans so tight people could tell your religion. Your satisfaction was guaranteed. If you weren’t satisfied, call customer service and Chuck Norris would come to your house to deliver round house kicks until you were satisfied with his jeans. Unfortunately, everyone died after the first kick so they had to stop selling them.

China was upset since they had based 25% of their economy on producing these jeans but they didn't say a word.  You know why? 

Cheap goods are the chief export of China but the chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN!

Well, I've got to go since I can't stay in one place too long.  Maybe Chuck won’t come after me for wishing him a Happy 70th Birthday but I’m taking no chances. My bags are packed and I’m heading out tonight. Oh….hold on…there’s a knock at the door. “Hey, OMG, you’re Chuck Nor…”

I’d love to see you, but…I’ve already seen you!

One of the worst things about being single (again) is going back to the online dating sites. Hours of searching through page after page of the damaged, broken, defective and down right scary hoping to find someone special. My search was coming up empty until I found this profile:

I am secure & happy with myself, but...life is meant for two!! A little bit about myself: I enjoy travel, hiking, kayaking, Comedy Clubs, & celebrating special occasions. I am self-sufficient, independent, honest, I have a great sense of humor, & family & friends are very important to me.

Not bad…This one’s got some potential. Let’s see what she’s looking for in a man:

A man who ONLY has eyes for me & can make me laugh are important qualities! Truth is, I'm just a nice girl who's looking for some fun and companionship (not necessarily in that order). I love guys who can hold me spellbound with a story or make me laugh until I cry. I also love creativity and passion. I'm looking for a man who shares my views on love, family and friends and is ready for all of it to begin with me.

She definitely sounds promising and seems to be looking for someone just like…ME! I’d love to say it could be something, but…it turned out to be less than nothing. It turned out to be MM…the girl who’d love to see me, but…

She also had a list of “criteria” to be met before contacting her. You have to be:

Male
Live in United States
Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex.
You must have a picture to contact this user.
Must not be looking for Hang Out
Must not be looking for Talk/E-mail
Must not be looking for Other Relationship
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not do drugs
Must not be married
Must not smoke

That’s a pretty detailed list of things she’s not looking for…guess you can add “Must not be Esc” to the list. I was a bit surprised to see she’s “not looking to hang out” since that pretty much describes all we did for the 95 days we were together. I’m not surprised, however, by “not looking for an intimate encounter” as NOTHING ever happened during our 95 days together.

I’ve never had much luck using The Fish so I hope it works out better for MM. Everyone deserves to find someone special. She was wrong for me but she hit the nail on the head….life is meant for two.

I’d love to see you, but…

Apology: It’s amazing how taking a few days off from the blog quickly turned into months. I’d planned to return much sooner but life got in the way and the next thing I know it’s March 2010. I feel a bit guilty for taking so much time away and neglecting all three of my “followers” who probably expected more out of me (but have known me so long they probably didn’t). If I feel the need to slack again then maybe I should start a support group for other slacking bloggers…“Hi…I’m Esc. It’s been 72 days since my last entry and I’m a loser for not posting more.” But the time away was appreciated as my life needed something new and now I’m back!

No one likes to fail…let’s face it; it’s always a bit personal even when people say it isn’t. Nowhere is failure more personal than in a relationship. At Christmas, I was in the beginning stages of a new relationship with a very nice girl we’ll call MM. Fast forward 58 days and she’s just another footnote in my dating history.

How did this happen? Very simple….too many sentences started with “I’d love to see you, but…” We all know everything after "but" is bullsh*t and a cop out but apparently she never got the memo. Here are some real-life examples of the reasons she couldn’t see me during the week (but she NEVER turned down the Sat night invitation to dinner and the theater):

• I’d love to see you, but I’m meeting my girl friends for dinner.
• I’d love to see you, but I have Spades League that night.
• I’d love to see you, but I want to try out this new yoga studio that night.
• I’d love to see you, but I’m having dinner with my new friend from the apt building that night.
• I’d love to see you, but I’m playing in my Skee-Ball league that night.

Skee-Ball? Seriously, what kind of person chooses a kid’s game over spending time with the person they supposedly “really like and want to spend time with”? More to the point, what kind of man would put up with this kind of treatment? Not Esc! She moved to double secret probation after the second instance and I knew it was only a matter of time before I’d be saying “See you later…much later.”

I’m far from cheap and typically spare no expense in my dating life to ensure a wonderful evening for all. This makes me super in-tune when my generosity is being exploited and that’s something I will never tolerate. In a rare move, I gave her a chance to redeem herself but that ended in utter and complete failure so it was time to pull the cord.

There is a proper way to end a relationship and timing is critical to success. My time ended up on the most unfortunate day (right before Valentine’s Day) but I knew it was over so no sense in dragging out the inevitable. I took her to the theater (I already had tickets from weeks before) and then out for post-production coffee. She had a brief moment of redemption but then proceeded to fail miserably at the French bistro.

As we sipped coffee, a guy friend (hers…not mine) walked up and started to talk to her. Common courtesy says first meetings warrant introductions but she simply went on and on while I sat there. I’m not the jealous type (I totally don’t care…If a woman wants someone else then just leave). And I definitely had nothing to fear from this fool if I was. He stood there with his brand new copy of “A Brief History in Time” by Stephan Hawking wearing non-prescription glasses in an attempt to look educated and cultured. I immediately thought of the Pro-V superstar from days past and how this poor guy had no clue how every single woman who passed his table was going to see through his thinly veiled attempt to convince them he was worthy of their time. All he needed to be a complete fraud was a beret and fake French accent.

After a few minutes, he introduced himself and made the “I’m not trying to take your girl” kind of statements (like how he knew her, etc.) which made no difference to me as I would have been ecstatic to hand her off since the Bistro put me 8 miles closer to my house (and I had no interest in driving the 8 back to drop her off). It was in that moment that I realized she wasn’t exploiting me or trying to shine me on but was totally clueless about the entire situation.

She’d made a statement that night (earlier in the evening before the Physics Fraud made his grand appearance) about how she was used to being rejected. The comment struck me immediately because I’d done everything in my power to make her feel wanted but it was HER who was rejecting every man who attempted to be part of her life. Its human nature to love and want to be loved but she’d spent so much time building walls to protect herself that she forgot to include a door.

In the end, it came down to two people on different paths going in opposite directions (never to end in the same place). If she called me today to start again, I’d have to say “I’d love to see you, but…”

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I know I've been absent for far too long but I don't have as much free time as before. You see, I met this girl and she continues to say "yes" to my date requests so spending all my time trying to figure out things to do, places to go and finding new restaurants that take American Express. I never knew it could be so time consuming to make someone think you just thought of something to do off the top of your head!

She's been impressed so far and I'd hate for her to discover the awful truth that I'm not as smooth and sophisticated as I appear. Clever and charming fascade please hold out for a bit longer...PLEASE!!!!

Anyway...I'll try to do a better job with the blog in 2010!

This little piggy...

I’m a skeptic…always have been. They always make things sound worse than they really are when it’s probably really nothing to worry about. Take this whole H1N1 thing. It’s probably a hoax to get me to buy some useless cold medicine or hand sanitizer and it can’t be as bad as they keep saying in the news.

I’m usually just plain lazy when I don’t update the blog but this time I have a legitimate excuse…I got H1N1 last week. It’s now 9 days later and I’m finally starting to feel a little bit better. Not 100% mind you…just a BIT better. The diagnosis says another few days of misery and then another few weeks of cough. Perfect!

Now having H1N1 hasn’t given me the benefits of the usual prolonged illness (such as days off with no work) since I’ve worked every single day. To make matters worse, I also missed an opportunity to go to Hong Kong for three weeks on assignment. When it rains, it pours.

I’ll update with much better content once I’m back to my old self (probably this weekend). In the meantime, this little piggy goes hack, hack, hack!