Seeing the + in the -

(To start at the beginning of the series, check out "Fake It..." )

Now that I’d become a man about town wearing my goofy smile and handing out compliments like Halloween candy, it was time to start making some real changes. This phase didn’t require suspension of certain human traits but direct, head-on confrontation of how I viewed events/situations to stop focusing on the negative.

Phase Two of the experiment can be described as “Seeing the positive in the negative”. Bad, unfortunate things happen to good people…it’s a fact of life but I was determined to find as much “positive” as possible in everything (especially when I failed at something...which we all know rarely ever happens in my world).

Case in point, the other day I decided to take a chance and ask a very nice girl out for coffee. Going into the situation, success seemed very likely but reality was a bit less forgiving…my offer was politely declined. (Author’s Note: Obviously I didn't adequately present all the wonderful things associated with being around ESC or she’d have said “Yes! How about right now?” : ) In the past, I’d have been bummed at putting myself out there only to fail but not this time. I focused on the positive aspects (I confronted my anxiety of asking her and took the leap regardless of the consequences!) and not the negative aspects (She declined). I’m not going to ignore the mistakes made in the process but simply chose to be happy about taking the chance instead of dwelling on the outcome.

I need to take a moment to clarify the difference between declining an offer and being rejected…they are NOT the same thing. Declining my invitation for coffee was not personal in any way….it was simply the act of declining an invitation to meet and nothing more. Next time I see her, how will I react? The same as I always have (friendly, cordial, etc.) because it wasn’t personal. Now, if she’d said, “No way! You’re a geek and have the biggest nose I’ve ever seen!” then that’s personal. For the record, I’m not a geek…OK, not a really big geek.

You’re thinking, “So what…he probably gets “declined” all the time? He’s able to see the positive in a fairly easy situation but could he find the positive in something truly awful?” The answer is yes. I’d describe my life as a "tragicomedy in progress" so plenty of really good examples to choose from.

A few years ago, I went through an especially rough period of life where I saw the dissolution of a 10 year romantic relationship, job loss and the complete, utter failure of all aspects of my life in the span of about a month. I focused so intensely on the negative aspects I lost over 20 lbs and basically slept walked through an entire year of my life. During the following years, I slowly began to see the positives (quite by accident and through no conscious effort) and decided to revisit the situation during the experiment by writing down all the positives and negatives. Not only did the positives outnumber the negatives, I discovered the negatives were things I no longer needed (the introduction to Phase Three).

Phase Two is still in progress and I have more to accomplish but here’s what I’ve learned so far:

There is at least one positive point in ANY situation…you may have to dig deep but it’s there.

You have to constantly work on this as it’s easy to revert to old patterns of thought…especially after a failure.

Was it easy to go back through all the bad times and mistakes? Not really…but it was necessary to re-frame the events so my thoughts focus on the positive outcomes because those memories are the ones worth remembering. Maybe I’m deluding myself but that’s OK because it’s a pretty good place to be and my perception is reality!

To be continued...

NOTE: In reference to the statement, “So what…he probably gets “declined” all the time? “ …I’ll admit I’m batting a bit under .500 these days but you don’t have to hit every pitch, only the right ones : )