70 just turned Chuck Norris…

I’m taking my life into my own hands but this is worth the risk. You probably didn’t know this but on March 10th, Chuck Norris officially turned 70 years old. After the federally mandated 7 day waiting period, I can finally wish him Happy Birthday…and then promptly seek witness protection to avoid his roundhouse kick!

“Why are you afraid of Chuck Norris’ round house kick?” you might ask. My reply: “Why aren’t you afraid!?!?!?!” Chuck’s prowess is legendary as chronicled in these 100% true, verified facts:

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out…and gives you a round house kick to the head!

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

I’m not the only person afraid of Chuck Norris...whole companies are afraid of him too! Don’t believe me, try Googling “Google wont search for Chuck Norris”.

Google isn’t afraid of anything…Microsoft, Yahoo or even China. But China is afraid of Chuck Norris! There are plenty of stories about why the great wall was built but here’s the truth:

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

But Chuck forgave China and decided to allow them to make his Chuck Norris Action Jeans.

Never heard of them? They were manufactured back in the 80’s and allowed you to kick the cr*p out of people and still wear jeans so tight people could tell your religion. Your satisfaction was guaranteed. If you weren’t satisfied, call customer service and Chuck Norris would come to your house to deliver round house kicks until you were satisfied with his jeans. Unfortunately, everyone died after the first kick so they had to stop selling them.

China was upset since they had based 25% of their economy on producing these jeans but they didn't say a word.  You know why? 

Cheap goods are the chief export of China but the chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN!

Well, I've got to go since I can't stay in one place too long.  Maybe Chuck won’t come after me for wishing him a Happy 70th Birthday but I’m taking no chances. My bags are packed and I’m heading out tonight. Oh….hold on…there’s a knock at the door. “Hey, OMG, you’re Chuck Nor…”