You can’t hurry love…no, you’ve just got to wait and wait and wait

There’s an old adage that love finds you when you least expect it. Maybe that’s true but I’m getting pretty damn tired of waiting around for it to catch up with me! Part of it’s my fault but some of it’s beyond my control…or is it?

I’m a risk taker in all aspects of life so not afraid to take a chance to find the right person. Only a man determined to find love would chart his course based on the prison pen pal program (which would have worked except they kept raising the cost of stamps!) and then Russian mail order brides to ultimately end up at The Fish. These are not the actions of a shrinking violet but a man taking charge of his destiny!

The sound of ticking clocks made Neenah Pickett decide to set a deadline to find a husband…52 weeks. There just seems to be something wrong with the idea of placing a time limit on finding “the one”. Finding love is hard enough so does anyone really need the added pressure of a self-imposed deadline? I say no but understand her sense of urgency…I also hear the ticking of the clock as I careen headlong towards 40 (T-minus 106 days and counting) and the magic moment when my odds of ever marrying are reduced to less than 10%.

I’d also be afraid to pick the wrong person simply to meet the deadline because I hate to fail at anything (which is humorous because I’ve failed at almost everything at least once…usually twice). If I did pick the wrong person then maybe the next experiment could be called “Losing love in 52 weeks” or maybe “Losing half of all my stuff in 52 weeks”. Even if I failed, it would mean I succeeded if only for a short time…much better than my recent dating adventures .

I’m not down on dating as I’m in a very good place and happy with my life as it exists now. Would I like more? Sure…who wouldn’t but I’m not going to turn into a pumpkin if the clock strikes 12 at the end of the 52nd week and I’m still checking the single box.

The Hundredaires Club…

Only idiots believe reality TV isn’t staged…yet people continue to watch all these stupid shows. I’m the last to call myself a "television intellectual" (oxymoron?) but I’ve got no interest in who can survive on an island full of people in a staged setting. You want an interesting version of Survivor, put a handful of criminals on the island (full of hidden cameras to record the action) and tell them the last man standing gets a full pardon…you’ll get reality!

I have an idea for a show but who really wants to watch me travel all over the world striking out with women from all nationalities? EVERYONE! The world loves a loser (especially a lovable one) because he embodies all of our own insecurities and fear that we hide so deep inside. The only thing that could ruin my idea is actually finding Ms. Right for Me….because then the show would be over. Who wants to watch a happy couple?

Since my show is probably not going anywhere, I checked out another dating/relationship show…The Millionaire Matchmaker. What a completely ridiculous show as it’s basically rich, shallow guys’ looking for young, supermodel girls (hereafter called gold diggers”) paying the host to make connections in hopes of finding true love. Call me jaded and cynical but what kind of love can you get from a woman who basically says “the only thing I care about is the size of your bank account”? Probably pretty hot, dirty, kinky love…the kind that makes you ashamed to look in the mirror afterwards but counting the minutes until you can do it again. It’s true…if you’re not ashamed then you’re not doing it right!

Intrigued by the sheer awfulness of the show, I checked out the website and wasn’t disappointed. For the ladies, the membership is FREE but they reserve the right to turn you down if you don’t meet their standards. What exactly are their standards? Try this photo of actual members (says so in the fine print!) and see if you measure up?

If you’re not quite up to standards, never fear as they offer all sorts of help…

In addition to offering a complimentary membership to women, the Millionaires Club works closely with a leading psychologist, relationship counselor, date coach, hypnotherapist, and image consultant, as well as with a variety of top-notch personal trainers, plastic surgeons, dentists, and hairstylists.

Nothing like having a staff of plastic surgeons, dentists, image consultants, etc. on stand-by to ensure that no part of the real you ever emerges and ruins things. Call me out-of-touch or old-fashioned but whatever happened to falling in love with someone else because you liked them just the way they are…imperfections and all?

Imperfections are not the specialty of the Millionaires Club and they have a 742 word disclaimer on the site letting you know they guarantee nothing except that you will pay them for their service. Of course, most millionaires can find women on their own (gold diggers know where to dig!) but what if you’re a few dollars short and want to meet rich, shallow women?

If you are a non-millionaire man and would like to register to date a millionairess, please contact MC (via e-mail only)

You’re going to have to work for the meal ticket as there’s more fine print…

In order to be considered for a non-millionaire membership you must have the application filled out entirely with a signature and also have professional photos taken by a professional photographer in a studio format. Please note: An MC representative will only contact you once we have a suitable match for you and filling out a registration form does not guarantee any potential member a date with a member of the service.

Seems like a lot of work with no guarantee on a return. Hmmm…that sounds suspiciously like dating! Of course, you’ll notice there is no free ride for men as even the poor have to pay a fee to meet rich women (who want nothing to do with them). If it doesn’t work, there’s a no refund policy…now that sounds suspiciously like marriage!

Let’s see what I’d have to pay…

$25,000 US dollars for a year of unlimited dating nationally throughout the US/Canada
1 hour date coaching session with the dating coach in your area
1 hour relationship counseling session with the relationship counselor in your area
1 hour image consulting session with the image consultant in your area
1 hour hypnotherapy session with the hypnotherapist in your area

Looks like 4 hours of talking to people and a chance to search their database for matches. Last time I checked there were TONS of Internet sites with far more people in the dbase for so much less…or FREE. To put this in perspective, you could purchase 835 months of service (or 69.5 years) on Match for the same price! Of course, you also get the personal sessions but not sure what I’d learn in the 1 hour sessions outside of my need to work on my dating skills, my failure at every relationship and the fact I have no image…I don’t even cast a reflection anymore.

Now, if you’re ready to step up then you can spend another $30,000 and they will personally search the world for people matching your criteria. Wonder if they could find a woman willing to pay the fee for me? I thought the $10K fee for Russian mail order brides was a bit much…looking more like a bargain every second!

At $55,000, I can’t afford love…or least the kind they’re selling at the Millionaires Club. My price range gets me the kind of dating service with meetings at the Stuckey’s (a truck stop favorite) and an after-party mixer at the massage parlor. At least this deal guarantees you something…even if it's only an itch that won’t go away.

Who is this Mr. Nice Guy?

Dating is a relatively enjoyable experience once you’re established…it’s initially finding the person that’s complicated, frustrating and often disappointing (not to mention expensive). People always seem to be interested in everyone but the person who’s interested in them! There’s nothing wrong with this as no one should “settle” for “Mr./Ms. Not-Nearly-Good-Enough” simply to avoid being single. My biggest issue is trying to find women who appreciate my “type” as it seems very few women do.

Imagine my surprise when I read that Jennifer Love Hewitt is all about geeks! Of course, if it hadn’t said she liked geeks in the title I’d have never clicked on it! It was a proud and momentous day in Geekdom the likes of which has not been known since the days following the release of “Revenge of the Nerds”. For a fleeting moment, it seemed possible for an average guy to date a beautiful woman but then reality comes crashing back down as she is only ONE person…and taken. (Before the masses cry out “Shallow!” for the beautiful comment, I’ll say physical beauty is relative to the person and most “evolved” men are looking for much more than just a pretty face and a size 0 body…myself included)

I’ve always prided myself on being a decent guy who treats others with respect but I’m always worried it will lump me in to the “Nice Guy” category which is the kiss of death in dating. The biggest problem with the Nice Guy tag is how it’s become synonymous for boring. The reality is treating other people with respect has nothing to do with being boring (it’s a totally different trait) but most people mistake decency for weakness (again…another totally different trait). Of course, the media perpetuates the misclassification with articles like this one with a clingy, needy guy who is or isn’t a nice person…yet they call him Mr. Nice Guy.

As you’re probably noticing, this topic elicits a strong reaction because I’m tired of being lumped into this category because I treat people with respect. I’m not discouraged because I know there are women out there who want to be treated with respect and as an equal. Of course, none of them appear to live anywhere near Charlotte so maybe it’s time to take my show on the road?

My friend V keeps telling me to make the trip to LA as I’d be the catch of the day. I’ve always laughed it off but maybe there's something to it? I was surfing channels the other night and came across “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo (curse cable for giving me 40 channels to choose from after a life with no cable) featuring a social party for singles in Hollywood. My curiosity got the best of me and I watched a few minutes. I was totally shocked…even rich people are socially inept like me and have trouble meeting people! OMG…what happened to money making everyone beautiful?

I was especially interested to see one millionaire mention he didn’t want a woman over 35 only to see him chat up a very nice 45 yr old woman with obvious signs of interest. I didn’t hang out for the end of the show but the host commented on how he’d probably drop her when he found out her age. I’m thinking he’s 45 and never married so maybe he better get past himself. He may own a hotel and be rich but he’s still an ass. Of course, he’ll probably still do well because being an ass is better than being a nice guy any day of the week in the dating game as far as I can tell.

I’m seriously thinking LA may be my best chance because I’m not looking for 22 and perfect…I’m looking for 32-42 yrs old and normal! Marianne Sierk once commented about her lack of dating success in LA because she was over 30 and a size 6 so I decided to check her web page to see what is “undateable” in LA:



Seriously, book my trip right now! She’s not only attractive but funny, witty and personable. If you happen to read this Marianne, I’ll definitely buy you a loaf of bread if we run into each other at the grocery store…thanks for the best pick up line ever ; ) For more Marianne, check out her series on Bud TV…very funny.

I don’t want anyone to get the idea that all women are attracted to jerks (most women who’ve had serious, long-term relationships are looking for decent guys…they married the jerks first time around!) but you have to admit the cocky, jerk guys seem to have the most immediate success. The few times I’ve employed this approach it’s been met with ridiculous levels of success so maybe nice guys do finish last? Maybe so but I’ll be at the end of the line waiting for the last of the nice girls…we’ll be a perfect match.

At least my resume isn’t fake…

It seems the whole world is obsessed with how they look regardless of whether you live in a big city or the middle of nowhere. I’ve come to expect a certain level of shallowness and vanity in people (especially in the girls I date) but something is definitely wrong when career “experts” start trying to sell job seekers on the idea that looks beat experience in a competitive market.

I had to laugh when one of the surgeons in the article mentions “employers naturally tend to go to a person who looks fresher and younger, despite who is better qualified” and how cosmetic surgery “has become a necessity for some”. That’s probably true if you sell copiers, long-distance or your gig involves a stripper pole but the majority of jobs require a bit more skill and experience.

Let’s put the surgeon’s theory to the test:

You’ve been told you need life-saving surgery and must choose between two surgeons….one is ultra-hot but has no experience and the other is plain but very experienced. Who are you going to choose?

I’d choose “experience” for the surgery but would get the hot girl’s digits for later. OK...I'd probably try to get both their numbers.

I’m constantly dismayed by the lack of ethics from plastic surgeons as they try to sell how changing your physical appearance will make you a better person, give you more confidence, self-esteem, etc. Given they profit from the transaction, their motives are crystal clear (although I find it funny that 15 years ago they used to disclaim that surgery would NOT increase your self-esteem or make you feel better about yourself…welcome to the power of the dollar!).

The fact doctors now endorse cosmetic procedures is disturbing to me because it lends some credibility to the whole affair. It’s not like receiving those anonymous spam emails for penis enlargement which don’t work...well, we know they don't work now. I used to hate opening my inbox as it was always full of those emails...finally had to tell my girlfriend to stop forwarding them to me!

The article also mentions spending money for surgery can help increase your salary so let’s look at a real-life example. A friend was working for Company A making $75K (before bonus) a year. She opted to get breast enlargement for $4K and subsequently took a position at another company for $32K (no bonus). I’m no math genius but looks like a 50% pay cut after spending $4K for the surgery! The only person who could sell that kind of math as a “gain” is my broker and I plan to discuss his math skills if he'll ever return my calls.

I’ll never have cosmetic surgery just to get a job for two reasons. First, I really don't care that much about my career to actually suffer for it...I'm a professional nerd not an artist! Second, I'm hands down the best looking of my peer group which is both interesting and terribly frightening (remember, I'm a professional nerd).

I'm quite happy with the way I look and see no reason to mess up a good thing. Besides, long before I became the skilled professional of current day, I had a lucrative gig as a “before” model and that's one profession that will always be looking for average, normal guys like me!

Witness Protection Program

It happened again…now I’m sure something serious has been going on and I just didn’t notice. I’m usually very observant but all the seemingly random events can’t be a coincidence since the outcome is always the same. How could I have missed all the signs?

The whole issue started a few years ago when my last relationship ended and I started dating again. Things were a bit slow but I always seemed to meet women and managed a date or two. None of them worked out and I never really thought about it until recently….when it happened again!

If you’re a frequent reader then you know I recently met a very nice girl (we’ll call her Delilah) and embarked on yet another foray into the world of dating. Everything seemed to be going well as we shared some laughs and dinner but then it happened…she disappeared!

Was she abducted by aliens? Did she volunteer to be the “audience participant” in a magic show gone wrong? Oh no….maybe it was a serious accident resulting in 10 broken fingers so she couldn’t call back? I like to think she was forced to join the witness protection program…knowing she’d love to call me to say good-bye but can’t for her own safety.

When it first happened years ago I thought it was just a case of these girls being flakes but this pattern tells me it’s something much more sinister. I know I attract a certain type of woman (i.e. crazy, rude, self-centered, manic, narcissistic, vain, shallow, etc.) but Delilah wasn’t anything like that so knew something else must be happening when she failed to return the call…she’d never just disappear unless she was forced because she’d never be ”that girl”.

This new knowledge is already taking a toll on my dating prospects as I passed a beautiful woman at the Harris-Teeter this afternoon but didn’t dare return the smile. How could I live with myself if yet another woman had to turn her life upside down simply because she chose to go out to dinner with me? It’s just too much to bear knowing the danger associated with being my date for the evening.

Maybe I’m wrong about the whole witness protection thing but what other reason could there be? Just like getting someone’s name tattooed on your body, this is a very limiting move for me as I can now only pursue girls that I want to disappear from my life. Thankfully, I have an entire list to choose from…

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

My last post on the ShamWOW! / Slap Chop Guy just seemed incomplete so I did some more digging to see what other skeletons Vince has in his closet….because you know he does! Of course, maybe this was an unfortunate incidence of bad luck since he used all his good luck (and probably some of ours too!) getting rich selling crap to people who've never heard of microfiber or a chef's knife.

Beyond telling us all how much we’ll “love his nuts” and say “Sham-WOW!” every time we use his towel, Vince also has a religious side as he took a course on Personal Values and Integrity through the Church of Scientology back in 1991. Maybe they should have offered a course on “Negotiation/Money Management” as no one pays $1000 for “straight sex” from a street walker….unless you’re planning to do her 10 times! If Vince could pull that off in a single night then “ShamWOW” indeed!

The other obvious question is why would anyone kiss a prostitute on the mouth (or anywhere else)….especially at the END of the evening? Odds are Vince was NOT her first customer of the evening which ups the “EWWW Factor” to a whole new level. Maybe for the $1000 he wanted the “girlfriend” experience? Of course, if he wanted the girlfriend experience then he'd have to buy an expensive dinner and still wouldn't get laid. Who knows but I’m sure his Mother will think twice next time he leans in to kiss her goodbye.

In my original draft for the other post, I included a line about how Vince should’ve used the $1000 for self-defense classes at the YMCA (I took the line out of the original post as it didn’t “fit”) but I must publicly take back my posted comment about him “flailing his girl-y man arms” as he landed some solid shots. I found the following pictures on TMZ and will warn you now they’re not pretty:


Ouch! You have to hit someone incredibly hard (in the center of the nose) to blacken both eyes...and rupture the vessels in the eyes.

Close-up view of the damage. The scabby thing on the side of her mouth looks like it's been there a while so let's ratchet up the EWWW Factor another notch.

Seems when Vince got finished with her face he went for a body shot.

Seriously, this seems very excessive to get her to release his tongue given he could've accomplished that by simply pressing his thumb in the space above her collarbone in the soft tissue of the neck....the mouth will open with only moderate pressure since you can't breath. (If you choose to test this out...please do NOT press with force as you can seriously injure yourself and I can't afford to lose any readers).

The shot to her face was an overhand right and would've been very difficult to land if she was inches from his face...maybe a parting shot once he was free? Besides, striking her in the face while she was biting his tongue would only increase the risk of her biting all the way through. Trust me, no man wants a women (or anyone else) to "bite through" anything attached to his body.

Only these two know what really happened but one thing is for sure...his so-called career is over and her's is just getting started. Is that Larry Flynt calling???

Author's Note: The subject of violence against women is very serious and no part of this entry should be construed as justification (or defense of) inflicting injuries of this severity on anyone regardless of her chosen profession.