The Hundredaires Club…

Only idiots believe reality TV isn’t staged…yet people continue to watch all these stupid shows. I’m the last to call myself a "television intellectual" (oxymoron?) but I’ve got no interest in who can survive on an island full of people in a staged setting. You want an interesting version of Survivor, put a handful of criminals on the island (full of hidden cameras to record the action) and tell them the last man standing gets a full pardon…you’ll get reality!

I have an idea for a show but who really wants to watch me travel all over the world striking out with women from all nationalities? EVERYONE! The world loves a loser (especially a lovable one) because he embodies all of our own insecurities and fear that we hide so deep inside. The only thing that could ruin my idea is actually finding Ms. Right for Me….because then the show would be over. Who wants to watch a happy couple?

Since my show is probably not going anywhere, I checked out another dating/relationship show…The Millionaire Matchmaker. What a completely ridiculous show as it’s basically rich, shallow guys’ looking for young, supermodel girls (hereafter called gold diggers”) paying the host to make connections in hopes of finding true love. Call me jaded and cynical but what kind of love can you get from a woman who basically says “the only thing I care about is the size of your bank account”? Probably pretty hot, dirty, kinky love…the kind that makes you ashamed to look in the mirror afterwards but counting the minutes until you can do it again. It’s true…if you’re not ashamed then you’re not doing it right!

Intrigued by the sheer awfulness of the show, I checked out the website and wasn’t disappointed. For the ladies, the membership is FREE but they reserve the right to turn you down if you don’t meet their standards. What exactly are their standards? Try this photo of actual members (says so in the fine print!) and see if you measure up?

If you’re not quite up to standards, never fear as they offer all sorts of help…

In addition to offering a complimentary membership to women, the Millionaires Club works closely with a leading psychologist, relationship counselor, date coach, hypnotherapist, and image consultant, as well as with a variety of top-notch personal trainers, plastic surgeons, dentists, and hairstylists.

Nothing like having a staff of plastic surgeons, dentists, image consultants, etc. on stand-by to ensure that no part of the real you ever emerges and ruins things. Call me out-of-touch or old-fashioned but whatever happened to falling in love with someone else because you liked them just the way they are…imperfections and all?

Imperfections are not the specialty of the Millionaires Club and they have a 742 word disclaimer on the site letting you know they guarantee nothing except that you will pay them for their service. Of course, most millionaires can find women on their own (gold diggers know where to dig!) but what if you’re a few dollars short and want to meet rich, shallow women?

If you are a non-millionaire man and would like to register to date a millionairess, please contact MC (via e-mail only)

You’re going to have to work for the meal ticket as there’s more fine print…

In order to be considered for a non-millionaire membership you must have the application filled out entirely with a signature and also have professional photos taken by a professional photographer in a studio format. Please note: An MC representative will only contact you once we have a suitable match for you and filling out a registration form does not guarantee any potential member a date with a member of the service.

Seems like a lot of work with no guarantee on a return. Hmmm…that sounds suspiciously like dating! Of course, you’ll notice there is no free ride for men as even the poor have to pay a fee to meet rich women (who want nothing to do with them). If it doesn’t work, there’s a no refund policy…now that sounds suspiciously like marriage!

Let’s see what I’d have to pay…

$25,000 US dollars for a year of unlimited dating nationally throughout the US/Canada
1 hour date coaching session with the dating coach in your area
1 hour relationship counseling session with the relationship counselor in your area
1 hour image consulting session with the image consultant in your area
1 hour hypnotherapy session with the hypnotherapist in your area

Looks like 4 hours of talking to people and a chance to search their database for matches. Last time I checked there were TONS of Internet sites with far more people in the dbase for so much less…or FREE. To put this in perspective, you could purchase 835 months of service (or 69.5 years) on Match for the same price! Of course, you also get the personal sessions but not sure what I’d learn in the 1 hour sessions outside of my need to work on my dating skills, my failure at every relationship and the fact I have no image…I don’t even cast a reflection anymore.

Now, if you’re ready to step up then you can spend another $30,000 and they will personally search the world for people matching your criteria. Wonder if they could find a woman willing to pay the fee for me? I thought the $10K fee for Russian mail order brides was a bit much…looking more like a bargain every second!

At $55,000, I can’t afford love…or least the kind they’re selling at the Millionaires Club. My price range gets me the kind of dating service with meetings at the Stuckey’s (a truck stop favorite) and an after-party mixer at the massage parlor. At least this deal guarantees you something…even if it's only an itch that won’t go away.