One of the worst things about being single (again) is going back to the online dating sites. Hours of searching through page after page of the damaged, broken, defective and down right scary hoping to find someone special. My search was coming up empty until I found this profile:
I am secure & happy with myself, but...life is meant for two!! A little bit about myself: I enjoy travel, hiking, kayaking, Comedy Clubs, & celebrating special occasions. I am self-sufficient, independent, honest, I have a great sense of humor, & family & friends are very important to me.
Not bad…This one’s got some potential. Let’s see what she’s looking for in a man:
A man who ONLY has eyes for me & can make me laugh are important qualities! Truth is, I'm just a nice girl who's looking for some fun and companionship (not necessarily in that order). I love guys who can hold me spellbound with a story or make me laugh until I cry. I also love creativity and passion. I'm looking for a man who shares my views on love, family and friends and is ready for all of it to begin with me.
She definitely sounds promising and seems to be looking for someone just like…ME! I’d love to say it could be something, but…it turned out to be less than nothing. It turned out to be MM…the girl who’d love to see me, but…
She also had a list of “criteria” to be met before contacting her. You have to be:
Male
Live in United States
Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex.
You must have a picture to contact this user.
Must not be looking for Hang Out
Must not be looking for Talk/E-mail
Must not be looking for Other Relationship
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not do drugs
Must not be married
Must not smoke
That’s a pretty detailed list of things she’s not looking for…guess you can add “Must not be Esc” to the list. I was a bit surprised to see she’s “not looking to hang out” since that pretty much describes all we did for the 95 days we were together. I’m not surprised, however, by “not looking for an intimate encounter” as NOTHING ever happened during our 95 days together.
I’ve never had much luck using The Fish so I hope it works out better for MM. Everyone deserves to find someone special. She was wrong for me but she hit the nail on the head….life is meant for two.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I’d love to see you, but…
Apology: It’s amazing how taking a few days off from the blog quickly turned into months. I’d planned to return much sooner but life got in the way and the next thing I know it’s March 2010. I feel a bit guilty for taking so much time away and neglecting all three of my “followers” who probably expected more out of me (but have known me so long they probably didn’t). If I feel the need to slack again then maybe I should start a support group for other slacking bloggers…“Hi…I’m Esc. It’s been 72 days since my last entry and I’m a loser for not posting more.” But the time away was appreciated as my life needed something new and now I’m back!
No one likes to fail…let’s face it; it’s always a bit personal even when people say it isn’t. Nowhere is failure more personal than in a relationship. At Christmas, I was in the beginning stages of a new relationship with a very nice girl we’ll call MM. Fast forward 58 days and she’s just another footnote in my dating history.
How did this happen? Very simple….too many sentences started with “I’d love to see you, but…” We all know everything after "but" is bullsh*t and a cop out but apparently she never got the memo. Here are some real-life examples of the reasons she couldn’t see me during the week (but she NEVER turned down the Sat night invitation to dinner and the theater):
There is a proper way to end a relationship and timing is critical to success. My time ended up on the most unfortunate day (right before Valentine’s Day) but I knew it was over so no sense in dragging out the inevitable. I took her to the theater (I already had tickets from weeks before) and then out for post-production coffee. She had a brief moment of redemption but then proceeded to fail miserably at the French bistro.
As we sipped coffee, a guy friend (hers…not mine) walked up and started to talk to her. Common courtesy says first meetings warrant introductions but she simply went on and on while I sat there. I’m not the jealous type (I totally don’t care…If a woman wants someone else then just leave). And I definitely had nothing to fear from this fool if I was. He stood there with his brand new copy of “A Brief History in Time” by Stephan Hawking wearing non-prescription glasses in an attempt to look educated and cultured. I immediately thought of the Pro-V superstar from days past and how this poor guy had no clue how every single woman who passed his table was going to see through his thinly veiled attempt to convince them he was worthy of their time. All he needed to be a complete fraud was a beret and fake French accent.
After a few minutes, he introduced himself and made the “I’m not trying to take your girl” kind of statements (like how he knew her, etc.) which made no difference to me as I would have been ecstatic to hand her off since the Bistro put me 8 miles closer to my house (and I had no interest in driving the 8 back to drop her off). It was in that moment that I realized she wasn’t exploiting me or trying to shine me on but was totally clueless about the entire situation.
No one likes to fail…let’s face it; it’s always a bit personal even when people say it isn’t. Nowhere is failure more personal than in a relationship. At Christmas, I was in the beginning stages of a new relationship with a very nice girl we’ll call MM. Fast forward 58 days and she’s just another footnote in my dating history.
How did this happen? Very simple….too many sentences started with “I’d love to see you, but…” We all know everything after "but" is bullsh*t and a cop out but apparently she never got the memo. Here are some real-life examples of the reasons she couldn’t see me during the week (but she NEVER turned down the Sat night invitation to dinner and the theater):
- I’d love to see you, but I’m meeting my girl friends for dinner.
- I’d love to see you, but I have Spades League that night.
- I’d love to see you, but I want to try out this new yoga studio that night.
- I’d love to see you, but I’m having dinner with my new friend from the apt building that night.
- I’d love to see you, but I’m playing in my Skee-Ball league that night.
I’m far from cheap and typically spare no expense in my dating life to ensure a wonderful evening for all. This makes me super in-tune when my generosity is being exploited and that’s something I will never tolerate. In a rare move, I gave her a chance to redeem herself but that ended in utter and complete failure so it was time to pull the cord.
There is a proper way to end a relationship and timing is critical to success. My time ended up on the most unfortunate day (right before Valentine’s Day) but I knew it was over so no sense in dragging out the inevitable. I took her to the theater (I already had tickets from weeks before) and then out for post-production coffee. She had a brief moment of redemption but then proceeded to fail miserably at the French bistro.
As we sipped coffee, a guy friend (hers…not mine) walked up and started to talk to her. Common courtesy says first meetings warrant introductions but she simply went on and on while I sat there. I’m not the jealous type (I totally don’t care…If a woman wants someone else then just leave). And I definitely had nothing to fear from this fool if I was. He stood there with his brand new copy of “A Brief History in Time” by Stephan Hawking wearing non-prescription glasses in an attempt to look educated and cultured. I immediately thought of the Pro-V superstar from days past and how this poor guy had no clue how every single woman who passed his table was going to see through his thinly veiled attempt to convince them he was worthy of their time. All he needed to be a complete fraud was a beret and fake French accent.
After a few minutes, he introduced himself and made the “I’m not trying to take your girl” kind of statements (like how he knew her, etc.) which made no difference to me as I would have been ecstatic to hand her off since the Bistro put me 8 miles closer to my house (and I had no interest in driving the 8 back to drop her off). It was in that moment that I realized she wasn’t exploiting me or trying to shine me on but was totally clueless about the entire situation.
She’d made a statement that night (earlier in the evening before the Physics Fraud made his grand appearance) about how she was used to being rejected. The comment struck me immediately because I’d done everything in my power to make her feel wanted but it was HER who was rejecting every man who attempted to be part of her life. Its human nature to love and want to be loved but she’d spent so much time building walls to protect herself that she forgot to include a door.
In the end, it came down to two people on different paths going in opposite directions (never to end in the same place). If she called me today to start again, I’d have to say “I’d love to see you, but…”
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Hundredaires Club…
Only idiots believe reality TV isn’t staged…yet people continue to watch all these stupid shows. I’m the last to call myself a "television intellectual" (oxymoron?) but I’ve got no interest in who can survive on an island full of people in a staged setting. You want an interesting version of Survivor, put a handful of criminals on the island (full of hidden cameras to record the action) and tell them the last man standing gets a full pardon…you’ll get reality!
I have an idea for a show but who really wants to watch me travel all over the world striking out with women from all nationalities? EVERYONE! The world loves a loser (especially a lovable one) because he embodies all of our own insecurities and fear that we hide so deep inside. The only thing that could ruin my idea is actually finding Ms. Right for Me….because then the show would be over. Who wants to watch a happy couple?
Since my show is probably not going anywhere, I checked out another dating/relationship show…The Millionaire Matchmaker. What a completely ridiculous show as it’s basically rich, shallow guys’ looking for young, supermodel girls (hereafter called gold diggers”) paying the host to make connections in hopes of finding true love. Call me jaded and cynical but what kind of love can you get from a woman who basically says “the only thing I care about is the size of your bank account”? Probably pretty hot, dirty, kinky love…the kind that makes you ashamed to look in the mirror afterwards but counting the minutes until you can do it again. It’s true…if you’re not ashamed then you’re not doing it right!
Intrigued by the sheer awfulness of the show, I checked out the website and wasn’t disappointed. For the ladies, the membership is FREE but they reserve the right to turn you down if you don’t meet their standards. What exactly are their standards? Try this photo of actual members (says so in the fine print!) and see if you measure up?
If you’re not quite up to standards, never fear as they offer all sorts of help…
In addition to offering a complimentary membership to women, the Millionaires Club works closely with a leading psychologist, relationship counselor, date coach, hypnotherapist, and image consultant, as well as with a variety of top-notch personal trainers, plastic surgeons, dentists, and hairstylists.
Nothing like having a staff of plastic surgeons, dentists, image consultants, etc. on stand-by to ensure that no part of the real you ever emerges and ruins things. Call me out-of-touch or old-fashioned but whatever happened to falling in love with someone else because you liked them just the way they are…imperfections and all?
Imperfections are not the specialty of the Millionaires Club and they have a 742 word disclaimer on the site letting you know they guarantee nothing except that you will pay them for their service. Of course, most millionaires can find women on their own (gold diggers know where to dig!) but what if you’re a few dollars short and want to meet rich, shallow women?
If you are a non-millionaire man and would like to register to date a millionairess, please contact MC (via e-mail only)
You’re going to have to work for the meal ticket as there’s more fine print…
In order to be considered for a non-millionaire membership you must have the application filled out entirely with a signature and also have professional photos taken by a professional photographer in a studio format. Please note: An MC representative will only contact you once we have a suitable match for you and filling out a registration form does not guarantee any potential member a date with a member of the service.
Seems like a lot of work with no guarantee on a return. Hmmm…that sounds suspiciously like dating! Of course, you’ll notice there is no free ride for men as even the poor have to pay a fee to meet rich women (who want nothing to do with them). If it doesn’t work, there’s a no refund policy…now that sounds suspiciously like marriage!
Let’s see what I’d have to pay…
$25,000 US dollars for a year of unlimited dating nationally throughout the US/Canada
1 hour date coaching session with the dating coach in your area
1 hour relationship counseling session with the relationship counselor in your area
1 hour image consulting session with the image consultant in your area
1 hour hypnotherapy session with the hypnotherapist in your area
Looks like 4 hours of talking to people and a chance to search their database for matches. Last time I checked there were TONS of Internet sites with far more people in the dbase for so much less…or FREE. To put this in perspective, you could purchase 835 months of service (or 69.5 years) on Match for the same price! Of course, you also get the personal sessions but not sure what I’d learn in the 1 hour sessions outside of my need to work on my dating skills, my failure at every relationship and the fact I have no image…I don’t even cast a reflection anymore.
Now, if you’re ready to step up then you can spend another $30,000 and they will personally search the world for people matching your criteria. Wonder if they could find a woman willing to pay the fee for me? I thought the $10K fee for Russian mail order brides was a bit much…looking more like a bargain every second!
At $55,000, I can’t afford love…or least the kind they’re selling at the Millionaires Club. My price range gets me the kind of dating service with meetings at the Stuckey’s (a truck stop favorite) and an after-party mixer at the massage parlor. At least this deal guarantees you something…even if it's only an itch that won’t go away.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Who is this Mr. Nice Guy?
Dating is a relatively enjoyable experience once you’re established…it’s initially finding the person that’s complicated, frustrating and often disappointing (not to mention expensive). People always seem to be interested in everyone but the person who’s interested in them! There’s nothing wrong with this as no one should “settle” for “Mr./Ms. Not-Nearly-Good-Enough” simply to avoid being single. My biggest issue is trying to find women who appreciate my “type” as it seems very few women do.
Imagine my surprise when I read that Jennifer Love Hewitt is all about geeks! Of course, if it hadn’t said she liked geeks in the title I’d have never clicked on it! It was a proud and momentous day in Geekdom the likes of which has not been known since the days following the release of “Revenge of the Nerds”. For a fleeting moment, it seemed possible for an average guy to date a beautiful woman but then reality comes crashing back down as she is only ONE person…and taken. (Before the masses cry out “Shallow!” for the beautiful comment, I’ll say physical beauty is relative to the person and most “evolved” men are looking for much more than just a pretty face and a size 0 body…myself included)
I’ve always prided myself on being a decent guy who treats others with respect but I’m always worried it will lump me in to the “Nice Guy” category which is the kiss of death in dating. The biggest problem with the Nice Guy tag is how it’s become synonymous for boring. The reality is treating other people with respect has nothing to do with being boring (it’s a totally different trait) but most people mistake decency for weakness (again…another totally different trait). Of course, the media perpetuates the misclassification with articles like this one with a clingy, needy guy who is or isn’t a nice person…yet they call him Mr. Nice Guy.
As you’re probably noticing, this topic elicits a strong reaction because I’m tired of being lumped into this category because I treat people with respect. I’m not discouraged because I know there are women out there who want to be treated with respect and as an equal. Of course, none of them appear to live anywhere near Charlotte so maybe it’s time to take my show on the road?
My friend V keeps telling me to make the trip to LA as I’d be the catch of the day. I’ve always laughed it off but maybe there's something to it? I was surfing channels the other night and came across “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo (curse cable for giving me 40 channels to choose from after a life with no cable) featuring a social party for singles in Hollywood. My curiosity got the best of me and I watched a few minutes. I was totally shocked…even rich people are socially inept like me and have trouble meeting people! OMG…what happened to money making everyone beautiful?
I was especially interested to see one millionaire mention he didn’t want a woman over 35 only to see him chat up a very nice 45 yr old woman with obvious signs of interest. I didn’t hang out for the end of the show but the host commented on how he’d probably drop her when he found out her age. I’m thinking he’s 45 and never married so maybe he better get past himself. He may own a hotel and be rich but he’s still an ass. Of course, he’ll probably still do well because being an ass is better than being a nice guy any day of the week in the dating game as far as I can tell.
I’m seriously thinking LA may be my best chance because I’m not looking for 22 and perfect…I’m looking for 32-42 yrs old and normal! Marianne Sierk once commented about her lack of dating success in LA because she was over 30 and a size 6 so I decided to check her web page to see what is “undateable” in LA:
Seriously, book my trip right now! She’s not only attractive but funny, witty and personable. If you happen to read this Marianne, I’ll definitely buy you a loaf of bread if we run into each other at the grocery store…thanks for the best pick up line ever ; ) For more Marianne, check out her series on Bud TV…very funny.
I don’t want anyone to get the idea that all women are attracted to jerks (most women who’ve had serious, long-term relationships are looking for decent guys…they married the jerks first time around!) but you have to admit the cocky, jerk guys seem to have the most immediate success. The few times I’ve employed this approach it’s been met with ridiculous levels of success so maybe nice guys do finish last? Maybe so but I’ll be at the end of the line waiting for the last of the nice girls…we’ll be a perfect match.
Imagine my surprise when I read that Jennifer Love Hewitt is all about geeks! Of course, if it hadn’t said she liked geeks in the title I’d have never clicked on it! It was a proud and momentous day in Geekdom the likes of which has not been known since the days following the release of “Revenge of the Nerds”. For a fleeting moment, it seemed possible for an average guy to date a beautiful woman but then reality comes crashing back down as she is only ONE person…and taken. (Before the masses cry out “Shallow!” for the beautiful comment, I’ll say physical beauty is relative to the person and most “evolved” men are looking for much more than just a pretty face and a size 0 body…myself included)
I’ve always prided myself on being a decent guy who treats others with respect but I’m always worried it will lump me in to the “Nice Guy” category which is the kiss of death in dating. The biggest problem with the Nice Guy tag is how it’s become synonymous for boring. The reality is treating other people with respect has nothing to do with being boring (it’s a totally different trait) but most people mistake decency for weakness (again…another totally different trait). Of course, the media perpetuates the misclassification with articles like this one with a clingy, needy guy who is or isn’t a nice person…yet they call him Mr. Nice Guy.
As you’re probably noticing, this topic elicits a strong reaction because I’m tired of being lumped into this category because I treat people with respect. I’m not discouraged because I know there are women out there who want to be treated with respect and as an equal. Of course, none of them appear to live anywhere near Charlotte so maybe it’s time to take my show on the road?
My friend V keeps telling me to make the trip to LA as I’d be the catch of the day. I’ve always laughed it off but maybe there's something to it? I was surfing channels the other night and came across “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo (curse cable for giving me 40 channels to choose from after a life with no cable) featuring a social party for singles in Hollywood. My curiosity got the best of me and I watched a few minutes. I was totally shocked…even rich people are socially inept like me and have trouble meeting people! OMG…what happened to money making everyone beautiful?
I was especially interested to see one millionaire mention he didn’t want a woman over 35 only to see him chat up a very nice 45 yr old woman with obvious signs of interest. I didn’t hang out for the end of the show but the host commented on how he’d probably drop her when he found out her age. I’m thinking he’s 45 and never married so maybe he better get past himself. He may own a hotel and be rich but he’s still an ass. Of course, he’ll probably still do well because being an ass is better than being a nice guy any day of the week in the dating game as far as I can tell.
I’m seriously thinking LA may be my best chance because I’m not looking for 22 and perfect…I’m looking for 32-42 yrs old and normal! Marianne Sierk once commented about her lack of dating success in LA because she was over 30 and a size 6 so I decided to check her web page to see what is “undateable” in LA:
Seriously, book my trip right now! She’s not only attractive but funny, witty and personable. If you happen to read this Marianne, I’ll definitely buy you a loaf of bread if we run into each other at the grocery store…thanks for the best pick up line ever ; ) For more Marianne, check out her series on Bud TV…very funny.
I don’t want anyone to get the idea that all women are attracted to jerks (most women who’ve had serious, long-term relationships are looking for decent guys…they married the jerks first time around!) but you have to admit the cocky, jerk guys seem to have the most immediate success. The few times I’ve employed this approach it’s been met with ridiculous levels of success so maybe nice guys do finish last? Maybe so but I’ll be at the end of the line waiting for the last of the nice girls…we’ll be a perfect match.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Witness Protection Program
It happened again…now I’m sure something serious has been going on and I just didn’t notice. I’m usually very observant but all the seemingly random events can’t be a coincidence since the outcome is always the same. How could I have missed all the signs?
The whole issue started a few years ago when my last relationship ended and I started dating again. Things were a bit slow but I always seemed to meet women and managed a date or two. None of them worked out and I never really thought about it until recently….when it happened again!
If you’re a frequent reader then you know I recently met a very nice girl (we’ll call her Delilah) and embarked on yet another foray into the world of dating. Everything seemed to be going well as we shared some laughs and dinner but then it happened…she disappeared!
Was she abducted by aliens? Did she volunteer to be the “audience participant” in a magic show gone wrong? Oh no….maybe it was a serious accident resulting in 10 broken fingers so she couldn’t call back? I like to think she was forced to join the witness protection program…knowing she’d love to call me to say good-bye but can’t for her own safety.
When it first happened years ago I thought it was just a case of these girls being flakes but this pattern tells me it’s something much more sinister. I know I attract a certain type of woman (i.e. crazy, rude, self-centered, manic, narcissistic, vain, shallow, etc.) but Delilah wasn’t anything like that so knew something else must be happening when she failed to return the call…she’d never just disappear unless she was forced because she’d never be ”that girl”.
This new knowledge is already taking a toll on my dating prospects as I passed a beautiful woman at the Harris-Teeter this afternoon but didn’t dare return the smile. How could I live with myself if yet another woman had to turn her life upside down simply because she chose to go out to dinner with me? It’s just too much to bear knowing the danger associated with being my date for the evening.
Maybe I’m wrong about the whole witness protection thing but what other reason could there be? Just like getting someone’s name tattooed on your body, this is a very limiting move for me as I can now only pursue girls that I want to disappear from my life. Thankfully, I have an entire list to choose from…
The whole issue started a few years ago when my last relationship ended and I started dating again. Things were a bit slow but I always seemed to meet women and managed a date or two. None of them worked out and I never really thought about it until recently….when it happened again!
If you’re a frequent reader then you know I recently met a very nice girl (we’ll call her Delilah) and embarked on yet another foray into the world of dating. Everything seemed to be going well as we shared some laughs and dinner but then it happened…she disappeared!
Was she abducted by aliens? Did she volunteer to be the “audience participant” in a magic show gone wrong? Oh no….maybe it was a serious accident resulting in 10 broken fingers so she couldn’t call back? I like to think she was forced to join the witness protection program…knowing she’d love to call me to say good-bye but can’t for her own safety.
When it first happened years ago I thought it was just a case of these girls being flakes but this pattern tells me it’s something much more sinister. I know I attract a certain type of woman (i.e. crazy, rude, self-centered, manic, narcissistic, vain, shallow, etc.) but Delilah wasn’t anything like that so knew something else must be happening when she failed to return the call…she’d never just disappear unless she was forced because she’d never be ”that girl”.
This new knowledge is already taking a toll on my dating prospects as I passed a beautiful woman at the Harris-Teeter this afternoon but didn’t dare return the smile. How could I live with myself if yet another woman had to turn her life upside down simply because she chose to go out to dinner with me? It’s just too much to bear knowing the danger associated with being my date for the evening.
Maybe I’m wrong about the whole witness protection thing but what other reason could there be? Just like getting someone’s name tattooed on your body, this is a very limiting move for me as I can now only pursue girls that I want to disappear from my life. Thankfully, I have an entire list to choose from…
Sunday, February 15, 2009
It’s not you…It’s me
Most of us have heard (at some point in our romantic lives) the classic “It’s not you…It’s me”. I’d usually call out this falsehood with great quickness and stinging rebuff but what happens when it’s true?
The Fish Experiment continues but to date have only corresponded with one person. I’ve had several very good conversations and today was the first in-person meeting. I’d seen a photo but sometimes results vary which means what you see in the photo is not always what walks up to say hello. In this case, there was truth in advertising so off to a good start.
Let me start by saying there is nothing wrong with her…she’s witty, charming and educated. The conversation went well (at least I think it did) so guess my social awkwardness was taking the day off. After the meeting, it was time for post-game analysis…also known as “over-thinking everything with a healthy dose of self-doubt and confusion for good measure”. Being 50 miles from home, I knew it would be a long ride home.
I’ve never professed any real insight into anything of substance (especially relationships) but guess I expected to feel something beyond just conversation with a potential friend. I’m not talking about love at first sight but something like the slightly anxious feeling when you don’t want to say the wrong thing or finding yourself laughing for no good reason. Maybe I’ve been out of the game too long and my senses are off? Of course, I mistook acid reflux for true love and it took me 9.5 years to figure it out so not sure time off has anything to do with it!
In a most unexpected move, I’m looking for advice (Good lord, I must be desperate to ask this group : ) so add a comment letting me know how you knew your significant other was “the one”. Did you know right away or was it later? I’m especially interested in hearing from those divorced as I’m interested to know about people’s experiences the second time around. My own journey has given me more questions than answers so it’s me…really, it’s all me.
The Fish Experiment continues but to date have only corresponded with one person. I’ve had several very good conversations and today was the first in-person meeting. I’d seen a photo but sometimes results vary which means what you see in the photo is not always what walks up to say hello. In this case, there was truth in advertising so off to a good start.
Let me start by saying there is nothing wrong with her…she’s witty, charming and educated. The conversation went well (at least I think it did) so guess my social awkwardness was taking the day off. After the meeting, it was time for post-game analysis…also known as “over-thinking everything with a healthy dose of self-doubt and confusion for good measure”. Being 50 miles from home, I knew it would be a long ride home.
I’ve never professed any real insight into anything of substance (especially relationships) but guess I expected to feel something beyond just conversation with a potential friend. I’m not talking about love at first sight but something like the slightly anxious feeling when you don’t want to say the wrong thing or finding yourself laughing for no good reason. Maybe I’ve been out of the game too long and my senses are off? Of course, I mistook acid reflux for true love and it took me 9.5 years to figure it out so not sure time off has anything to do with it!
In a most unexpected move, I’m looking for advice (Good lord, I must be desperate to ask this group : ) so add a comment letting me know how you knew your significant other was “the one”. Did you know right away or was it later? I’m especially interested in hearing from those divorced as I’m interested to know about people’s experiences the second time around. My own journey has given me more questions than answers so it’s me…really, it’s all me.
Friday, December 26, 2008
How'd you meet again?
It happened again last night…two nights in a row. No, I didn’t get lucky (If that was the case I’d probably start believing in Santa again : ) I had a fleeting moment of loneliness and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the holidays? Nope! This is the absolute BEST time to be single! You never have to attend parties for your significant other’s annoying co-workers/friends, no dealing with the inevitable fistfights/arguments at the hillbilly family Christmas when they break out the moonshine (true story…) and never have to spend too much money on a gift he/she will never appreciate/use/etc. Being single at Christmas is about as perfect as can be but it’s the other 364 days that seem to be the challenge.
Research shows more people sign up for online dating in January than any other month of the year. I went this route a long time ago and found the whole experience humorous, humiliating, frustrating, annoying and ultimately, futile. The whole debacle starts with the profile…No matter what you put in there it always comes off like an ad for a used car.
“Low mileage, action-adventure guy with all working parts seeks compatible, like–minded female. Upgraded options included as well as plenty of storage space for additional baggage. Don’t pay full price for a new model when this gently used version is available right now and priced to move”.
The situation gets exponentially more comical after the dreaded profile is posted so future entries may be dedicated to some of my better moments. My views on Internet dating are well documented so what’s left for those of us not willing to be reduced to a “used person” ad on match.com?
The obvious first choice is a bar. Nothing makes you feel old like walking into a bar and immediately thinking it’s too smoky/loud/whatever…strike one. If you go by yourself, add another strike as you have virtually no chance of working yourself into any groups so prepare to stand off to the side sipping your over-priced drink. You won’t be ignored…oh no, EVERY single, 20-something, “woo” girl will be asking you to buy her a drink. Strike three if you buy her drinks… I don’t buy drinks for girls I’ve just met (not because I’m cheap but because it’s a suckers bet). Besides, what kind of relationship could you have with a woman who flashes strangers to get a $3 beer? If she’ll do that for a $3 beer then you really have to question what she’d do for a big money prize like dinner at Denney’s (Hey baby, I’ve got a coupon for the Grand Slam Breakfast!). She may have no self-respect but I feel a bit better knowing I still have some left.
Next stop, the old classic…the gym! You’re in an environment where you’ve got an ample supply of athletic women to choose from so how can this be a bad thing? For starters, most people want to be left alone when they work out and it’s especially true of women. Of course, you’ll get somewhere if you’re handsome, ripped and have a cool accent but let’s face reality; I tip the scale at 140 lbs (with wet hair) and am firmly in the average looking category so not much potential in a place where appearance reigns supreme. Then there's the "jock factor"...nothing knocks you out of contention like being told, “Hey, there’s a string hanging off your shirt” and then grabbing my arm! It’s not that I’m out of shape…it’s the lighting and all the mirrors conspiring to make me look like an anorexic version of Casper. Besides, for all the women there to pick up one of those muscle bound knuckleheads, I’ve got some bad news…they like guys too! Since genetics has doomed to me be 140 lbs forever, I decided to hit up a place where the playing field is a bit more level.
I’ve been told the trick to meeting educated women is to hang out in a bookstore. Supposedly, everyone in a bookstore on a Saturday night understands the dynamic (i.e. it’s an intellectual meet market!) so stake out a place in your favorite section and wait for the women. This actually sounded like a good idea until I tried it (kind of like holding a lit bottle rocket or being shot out of a cannon). My fatal flaw is I’m too practical most of the time. I started out in the computer book section as I needed to solve a problem for work so decided to kill two birds with one stone. Number of women in the computer book section…exactly ZERO. I quickly discovered computer books are the most effective form of birth control on the face of the planet as no woman would even approach the “Bermuda Triangle of Books”. I think the guy researching herpes two aisles over actually met a girl! By this point, I’d wasted an hour and wanted to be somewhere else…anywhere but there. Off to get coffee…and a new identity.
One of the online articles talked about how easy it was to meet girls at the coffee shop and how all guys should make it one of their “prime” places. I staked out my table at the Dilworth Coffee Shop and waited for the endless parade of available women looking for Mr. Nearly Perfect. The place was full of beatnik guys so my presence was immediately known….I guess it was the fact I was clean shaven, had bathed in the last 8 hours and actually had a job that set me apart. The few single women who came in were usually doing it for their lazy, beatnik boyfriends who couldn’t be bothered to actually get out of her car to get their own coffee. There was some random eye contact but they all seemed taken aback at the sight of me…maybe it was the uncontrollable twitching or speaking at a 100 mph from the three, fully caffeinated, grande whatever’s. The few who actually braved the caffeine fueled, speed speaking seemed a bit too “earthy” for my taste…I’m a strong advocate of bathing and the occasional shave. I’m OK with finding Bigfoot but just not OK with waking up next to her!
At the bottom of the list is the place of last resort…the grocery store. I’ve never meet girls at the supermarket…Maybe it’s because my cart usually consists of a bunch of vegetables, soy protein and cinnamon rolls (who can resist the ooey, gooey goodness?) so there aren’t many conversation starters in my basket. I once bumped carts with an attractive girl and tried to start a conversation with her. We made eye contact (she smiled so decided to take the chance) but, as I was scanning her cart, I missed the sudden look of horror on her face…I caught up pretty quickly when I noticed the box of tampons sitting (prominently) on top of the toilet paper. She was probably a very nice girl but who wants to tell the story of how we met over a box of feminine hygiene products to anyone? I learned two things after that experience…the first is to put personal items way down in the cart to avoid awkward moments and the second is to always have a clever/funny saying handy to buy time to make a graceful exit!
It’s hard enough to find places to meet decent people so if you have any suggestions, please post them in the comments section and I’ll try it out (and post the outcome ; )
Research shows more people sign up for online dating in January than any other month of the year. I went this route a long time ago and found the whole experience humorous, humiliating, frustrating, annoying and ultimately, futile. The whole debacle starts with the profile…No matter what you put in there it always comes off like an ad for a used car.
“Low mileage, action-adventure guy with all working parts seeks compatible, like–minded female. Upgraded options included as well as plenty of storage space for additional baggage. Don’t pay full price for a new model when this gently used version is available right now and priced to move”.
The situation gets exponentially more comical after the dreaded profile is posted so future entries may be dedicated to some of my better moments. My views on Internet dating are well documented so what’s left for those of us not willing to be reduced to a “used person” ad on match.com?
The obvious first choice is a bar. Nothing makes you feel old like walking into a bar and immediately thinking it’s too smoky/loud/whatever…strike one. If you go by yourself, add another strike as you have virtually no chance of working yourself into any groups so prepare to stand off to the side sipping your over-priced drink. You won’t be ignored…oh no, EVERY single, 20-something, “woo” girl will be asking you to buy her a drink. Strike three if you buy her drinks… I don’t buy drinks for girls I’ve just met (not because I’m cheap but because it’s a suckers bet). Besides, what kind of relationship could you have with a woman who flashes strangers to get a $3 beer? If she’ll do that for a $3 beer then you really have to question what she’d do for a big money prize like dinner at Denney’s (Hey baby, I’ve got a coupon for the Grand Slam Breakfast!). She may have no self-respect but I feel a bit better knowing I still have some left.
Next stop, the old classic…the gym! You’re in an environment where you’ve got an ample supply of athletic women to choose from so how can this be a bad thing? For starters, most people want to be left alone when they work out and it’s especially true of women. Of course, you’ll get somewhere if you’re handsome, ripped and have a cool accent but let’s face reality; I tip the scale at 140 lbs (with wet hair) and am firmly in the average looking category so not much potential in a place where appearance reigns supreme. Then there's the "jock factor"...nothing knocks you out of contention like being told, “Hey, there’s a string hanging off your shirt” and then grabbing my arm! It’s not that I’m out of shape…it’s the lighting and all the mirrors conspiring to make me look like an anorexic version of Casper. Besides, for all the women there to pick up one of those muscle bound knuckleheads, I’ve got some bad news…they like guys too! Since genetics has doomed to me be 140 lbs forever, I decided to hit up a place where the playing field is a bit more level.
I’ve been told the trick to meeting educated women is to hang out in a bookstore. Supposedly, everyone in a bookstore on a Saturday night understands the dynamic (i.e. it’s an intellectual meet market!) so stake out a place in your favorite section and wait for the women. This actually sounded like a good idea until I tried it (kind of like holding a lit bottle rocket or being shot out of a cannon). My fatal flaw is I’m too practical most of the time. I started out in the computer book section as I needed to solve a problem for work so decided to kill two birds with one stone. Number of women in the computer book section…exactly ZERO. I quickly discovered computer books are the most effective form of birth control on the face of the planet as no woman would even approach the “Bermuda Triangle of Books”. I think the guy researching herpes two aisles over actually met a girl! By this point, I’d wasted an hour and wanted to be somewhere else…anywhere but there. Off to get coffee…and a new identity.
One of the online articles talked about how easy it was to meet girls at the coffee shop and how all guys should make it one of their “prime” places. I staked out my table at the Dilworth Coffee Shop and waited for the endless parade of available women looking for Mr. Nearly Perfect. The place was full of beatnik guys so my presence was immediately known….I guess it was the fact I was clean shaven, had bathed in the last 8 hours and actually had a job that set me apart. The few single women who came in were usually doing it for their lazy, beatnik boyfriends who couldn’t be bothered to actually get out of her car to get their own coffee. There was some random eye contact but they all seemed taken aback at the sight of me…maybe it was the uncontrollable twitching or speaking at a 100 mph from the three, fully caffeinated, grande whatever’s. The few who actually braved the caffeine fueled, speed speaking seemed a bit too “earthy” for my taste…I’m a strong advocate of bathing and the occasional shave. I’m OK with finding Bigfoot but just not OK with waking up next to her!
At the bottom of the list is the place of last resort…the grocery store. I’ve never meet girls at the supermarket…Maybe it’s because my cart usually consists of a bunch of vegetables, soy protein and cinnamon rolls (who can resist the ooey, gooey goodness?) so there aren’t many conversation starters in my basket. I once bumped carts with an attractive girl and tried to start a conversation with her. We made eye contact (she smiled so decided to take the chance) but, as I was scanning her cart, I missed the sudden look of horror on her face…I caught up pretty quickly when I noticed the box of tampons sitting (prominently) on top of the toilet paper. She was probably a very nice girl but who wants to tell the story of how we met over a box of feminine hygiene products to anyone? I learned two things after that experience…the first is to put personal items way down in the cart to avoid awkward moments and the second is to always have a clever/funny saying handy to buy time to make a graceful exit!
It’s hard enough to find places to meet decent people so if you have any suggestions, please post them in the comments section and I’ll try it out (and post the outcome ; )
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Art of the Happy Ending…
There’s an art to the break up and few people take the time to create a true masterpiece. Maybe it’s because people read too many of those stupid relationship advice articles or just lack creativity and a sense of style? Maybe people are just too lazy to care? We spend so much time studying how to meet people that we often neglect the importance of knowing how to end it.
As part of my research to make this the best blog in the universe, I subject myself to the inanities of Cosmo (the answer to all problems is sex and the perfect O) and Marie Claire (my all-time favorite…completely useless advice) to get some female perspective on relationships. Outside of rehashing the same topics over and over, I have to laugh when they play the “man” to tell women how we feel or what’s in our head. The article above is a great example…let’s break it down from a man’s perspective:
Article: “You are not ruining someone's life; they will get over you some day.”
Man View: We’ll get over you as soon as we get laid again. Nothing says “what's her name?” like scoring with someone new…especially if she’s hotter than the ex. Bonus points if she’ll do all the things your ex wouldn’t even consider. Double bonus points if she let’s you film it!
Article: If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
Man View: What in the h*ll does honesty have to do with anything during a break up? Men really don't care about the "why"...you're leaving so don't bore us with all the reasons and brutual honesty. It's not like we're going to change...besides, we are already thinking about the girl at the office and all the other girls we'd like to meet.
Article: Make it fast…
Man View: Please do…we have other girls (who know you!) to meet and a long, drawn out commentary on the relationship wastes our time. It’s a common misconception that men will try to sleep with their ex’s friends to get even but not so…we’ll sleep with every girl you’ve ever been jealous of or hate! Why? Your friends are on the defensive (and wouldn’t betray you unless they secretly hate you) but all those other girls are lining up to stick the dagger deep in your back. They may be married, in a committed relationship, whatever…doesn’t matter, if they hate you enough; they will play their part in the “revenge”. Most, if not all will score "bonus points"...some will even get "Double Bonus Points"!
Article: Avoid cliché’s like "I love you; I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff.
Man View: Sure we do…women have been sold on the idea we’re too stupid to understand most things but we understand everything all while playing dumb. It’s OK…we probably told you “I love you” when we didn’t really mean it either.
Article: People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt.
Man View: Guilt? Not sure what that is but doesn’t sound like it would be any fun. A man will only beg, plead or cry (for goodness sakes…you’re a Man!) if he has no one lined up to take your place. I don’t mean a solid relationship that fulfills his every need…I mean a girl who is available for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. The domain of Guilt is strictly a female construct…men have no need or want for such a useless emotion.
Article: Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails.
Man View: We’ll only call if we have no other options for sex….period. We don’t want you back…if you’ve managed to hurt us then you’ve been reduced in stature from goddess/potential wife/mother of our children to the legions of nameless, faceless women we pass on the street every day. Men are strong, tough, and proud...if you hurt/betray/wound then we’re done with you (except for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit).
Article: The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.
Man View: The lack of a consistent message just tells us you’re bi-polar, manic or just plain crazy with other issues we want no part of in a long-term capacity. If we come back, it’s strictly part-time while we line up the next girl or for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. I know it's mentioned above twice but can never be stressed enough in Man World!
Article: The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.
Man View: Nothing says “disrespect” like dropping a guy via text message when you’ve been together for any amount of time. Guys will tell other guys about your lack of courage (among all the other things you “lacked”) and they’ll tell their girlfriends….soon these women will be talking about what you lack and then it’s truly over! Women think men can be cruel…but we can never be as cruel as other women!
The male mind is complex and there's no way a magazine article will ever shed any meaningful light on it's workings...especially when it comes to relationships. When it's time to call it quits, don't try to get into our heads or other such nonsense...just do it and move on because we've got places to go and enemies to meet!
Author’s Note: The information above is purely for entertainment purposes only and doesn’t reflect the opinions/thoughts/past of the author in any capacity. If you were offended by the entry, please send me the name, age, phone number and brief description of all the women that are jealous of/hate you and I’ll do all I can to make it right...everybody smile ; )
As part of my research to make this the best blog in the universe, I subject myself to the inanities of Cosmo (the answer to all problems is sex and the perfect O) and Marie Claire (my all-time favorite…completely useless advice) to get some female perspective on relationships. Outside of rehashing the same topics over and over, I have to laugh when they play the “man” to tell women how we feel or what’s in our head. The article above is a great example…let’s break it down from a man’s perspective:
Article: “You are not ruining someone's life; they will get over you some day.”
Man View: We’ll get over you as soon as we get laid again. Nothing says “what's her name?” like scoring with someone new…especially if she’s hotter than the ex. Bonus points if she’ll do all the things your ex wouldn’t even consider. Double bonus points if she let’s you film it!
Article: If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
Man View: What in the h*ll does honesty have to do with anything during a break up? Men really don't care about the "why"...you're leaving so don't bore us with all the reasons and brutual honesty. It's not like we're going to change...besides, we are already thinking about the girl at the office and all the other girls we'd like to meet.
Article: Make it fast…
Man View: Please do…we have other girls (who know you!) to meet and a long, drawn out commentary on the relationship wastes our time. It’s a common misconception that men will try to sleep with their ex’s friends to get even but not so…we’ll sleep with every girl you’ve ever been jealous of or hate! Why? Your friends are on the defensive (and wouldn’t betray you unless they secretly hate you) but all those other girls are lining up to stick the dagger deep in your back. They may be married, in a committed relationship, whatever…doesn’t matter, if they hate you enough; they will play their part in the “revenge”. Most, if not all will score "bonus points"...some will even get "Double Bonus Points"!
Article: Avoid cliché’s like "I love you; I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff.
Man View: Sure we do…women have been sold on the idea we’re too stupid to understand most things but we understand everything all while playing dumb. It’s OK…we probably told you “I love you” when we didn’t really mean it either.
Article: People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt.
Man View: Guilt? Not sure what that is but doesn’t sound like it would be any fun. A man will only beg, plead or cry (for goodness sakes…you’re a Man!) if he has no one lined up to take your place. I don’t mean a solid relationship that fulfills his every need…I mean a girl who is available for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. The domain of Guilt is strictly a female construct…men have no need or want for such a useless emotion.
Article: Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails.
Man View: We’ll only call if we have no other options for sex….period. We don’t want you back…if you’ve managed to hurt us then you’ve been reduced in stature from goddess/potential wife/mother of our children to the legions of nameless, faceless women we pass on the street every day. Men are strong, tough, and proud...if you hurt/betray/wound then we’re done with you (except for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit).
Article: The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.
Man View: The lack of a consistent message just tells us you’re bi-polar, manic or just plain crazy with other issues we want no part of in a long-term capacity. If we come back, it’s strictly part-time while we line up the next girl or for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. I know it's mentioned above twice but can never be stressed enough in Man World!
Article: The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.
Man View: Nothing says “disrespect” like dropping a guy via text message when you’ve been together for any amount of time. Guys will tell other guys about your lack of courage (among all the other things you “lacked”) and they’ll tell their girlfriends….soon these women will be talking about what you lack and then it’s truly over! Women think men can be cruel…but we can never be as cruel as other women!
The male mind is complex and there's no way a magazine article will ever shed any meaningful light on it's workings...especially when it comes to relationships. When it's time to call it quits, don't try to get into our heads or other such nonsense...just do it and move on because we've got places to go and enemies to meet!
Author’s Note: The information above is purely for entertainment purposes only and doesn’t reflect the opinions/thoughts/past of the author in any capacity. If you were offended by the entry, please send me the name, age, phone number and brief description of all the women that are jealous of/hate you and I’ll do all I can to make it right...everybody smile ; )
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Too lazy to meet your match(.com)...Part II
Note: If you haven’t read any of the previous posts in the series, click here or none of this will make any sense at all.
When I started researching the mail order bride websites, I tried the trusty key word search but got way too many results. It’s a popular search as one site had over 4.4 million distinct searches. I needed a better plan to narrow the field to only quality websites but how? Simple…I asked my married friends which ones they go to!
In case you didn’t know, married men are the best source for information on things like strip clubs, free internet p*rn sites, dating sites, any movie with nudity, etc. This is NOT a theory…it’s a proven fact! Most single guys are too busy out meeting girls to spend hours scouring the net for the slightest glimpse of skin. Married men…they’ve got the rest of their life to search the net.
One of my friends (we’ll came him Wizzer) has long advocated this site after his trips (w/the wife) to the Soviet Union. The site has over 18,000 women looking for any man who will take them away. Are you short, fat, balding with body odor? No problem…she’ll say “Yes!” if you’ll get her out of the USSR.
Russian women are beautiful but life is very hard for them as the most common occupation for Russian men is unemployment and his hobbies usually include alcoholism, drug addiction, serial adultery and battery…kind of sounds like the guys on the prison pen pal site!
Another friend (we’ll call him GP) is a fan of this site. Interesting collection of prospects but think they're slightly off target in their thoughts about what an American man is searching for in a mail order spouse. “Americans are attracted by diligence, firmness, and stability of mind”. Well…One out three ain't bad!
I’ll have to take a pass for now but reserve the right to take the easy way out if I ever wake up short, fat and balding with body odor. Oh no...I’m already one out of four!
When I started researching the mail order bride websites, I tried the trusty key word search but got way too many results. It’s a popular search as one site had over 4.4 million distinct searches. I needed a better plan to narrow the field to only quality websites but how? Simple…I asked my married friends which ones they go to!
In case you didn’t know, married men are the best source for information on things like strip clubs, free internet p*rn sites, dating sites, any movie with nudity, etc. This is NOT a theory…it’s a proven fact! Most single guys are too busy out meeting girls to spend hours scouring the net for the slightest glimpse of skin. Married men…they’ve got the rest of their life to search the net.
One of my friends (we’ll came him Wizzer) has long advocated this site after his trips (w/the wife) to the Soviet Union. The site has over 18,000 women looking for any man who will take them away. Are you short, fat, balding with body odor? No problem…she’ll say “Yes!” if you’ll get her out of the USSR.
Russian women are beautiful but life is very hard for them as the most common occupation for Russian men is unemployment and his hobbies usually include alcoholism, drug addiction, serial adultery and battery…kind of sounds like the guys on the prison pen pal site!
Another friend (we’ll call him GP) is a fan of this site. Interesting collection of prospects but think they're slightly off target in their thoughts about what an American man is searching for in a mail order spouse. “Americans are attracted by diligence, firmness, and stability of mind”. Well…One out three ain't bad!
I’ll have to take a pass for now but reserve the right to take the easy way out if I ever wake up short, fat and balding with body odor. Oh no...I’m already one out of four!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Too lazy to meet your match(.com)...Part I
NOTE: This entry was inspired by the overwhelming feedback to my previous post….OK, only the “Commish” actually posted a comment but quite sure my other 3 readers appreciated it as well.
The thought of a prison pen pal is somewhat intriguing as a way to meet “soon-to-be-available/paroled” women but it just seems like too much work. Think about it….you have to establish a fake identity, a PO Box (never have them respond to your real address!), buy stamps and all sorts of other complications. Personally, I don’t have that kind of time (OK…maybe I do) so decided to scour the web to find an even easier way to the future ex-Mrs. ESC. The journey was perilous but I bring you new content for your enjoyment!
The first thing I discovered is the landscape is VERY different for women using the Internet to find a husband. A quick Google search for “mail order husband” returned very few results...mostly questions about the subject. There were a couple sites listed and here’s the top choice.
I didn’t see a pricing guide so emailed them and received the following reply:
“Thanks for your inquiry about pricing. We’ve copied the e-Bay model and operate on an “open bid” process. Although we have no reserve, we do ask your bid be greater than $1 dollar (that’s what Pay Pal charges us to process your payment). If you’re short on cash, we are open to trading for old Atari games or Star Trek PEZ dispensers. Thank you.”
Heck of a deal but most women aren’t looking to spend money to find a husband….they’re looking to find a husband with money. I’d like to believe there’s more to love than money (probably because I work for a living….) but I could be wrong. There’s some truth that money makes an ugly guy beautiful…just ask Mickey Rourke or Nick Nolte. Since both these guys are taken, try your luck with this group of obscenely wealthy bachelors.
At this point, you’re probably wondering if guys have to navigate the same mine field to get a mail order bride? The answer is a resounding “NO!” and we’ll cover that in the next post.
The thought of a prison pen pal is somewhat intriguing as a way to meet “soon-to-be-available/paroled” women but it just seems like too much work. Think about it….you have to establish a fake identity, a PO Box (never have them respond to your real address!), buy stamps and all sorts of other complications. Personally, I don’t have that kind of time (OK…maybe I do) so decided to scour the web to find an even easier way to the future ex-Mrs. ESC. The journey was perilous but I bring you new content for your enjoyment!
The first thing I discovered is the landscape is VERY different for women using the Internet to find a husband. A quick Google search for “mail order husband” returned very few results...mostly questions about the subject. There were a couple sites listed and here’s the top choice.
I didn’t see a pricing guide so emailed them and received the following reply:
“Thanks for your inquiry about pricing. We’ve copied the e-Bay model and operate on an “open bid” process. Although we have no reserve, we do ask your bid be greater than $1 dollar (that’s what Pay Pal charges us to process your payment). If you’re short on cash, we are open to trading for old Atari games or Star Trek PEZ dispensers. Thank you.”
Heck of a deal but most women aren’t looking to spend money to find a husband….they’re looking to find a husband with money. I’d like to believe there’s more to love than money (probably because I work for a living….) but I could be wrong. There’s some truth that money makes an ugly guy beautiful…just ask Mickey Rourke or Nick Nolte. Since both these guys are taken, try your luck with this group of obscenely wealthy bachelors.
At this point, you’re probably wondering if guys have to navigate the same mine field to get a mail order bride? The answer is a resounding “NO!” and we’ll cover that in the next post.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
You've met your match(.com)
This entry is dedicated to all the single people trying to find someone special but having a difficult time. Tired of the cattle call mentality of Speed Dating? Disappointed in meeting the match.com person who looks nothing like their photo? Confused by the matches sent to your inbox from e-Harmony that totally don’t match you at all? We’ve tried all the “usual” methods to meet new people but nothing ever seems to work. Well, I’ve found a better way…just click here.
The age of the prison pen pal has arrived! Sure, they’ve been convicted of a felony but that doesn’t mean they don’t need love too. You can learn a great deal about people by their profiles…sometimes too much:
Shandra: Seems like a nice girl but not sure she’s learned her lesson yet as her profile says “When I'm out of prison, you'll most likely find me at a ski resort snowboarding or boating in the summer.” Sounds to me like she’s planning on going back to prison at some point so better make sure the deposit at the ski resort is refundable.
Krystal: Scary! She’d cut you just to see if the knife was sharp. I especially love the inclusion of “conversate”…old episodes of “In Living Color” anyone?
Liliana: Oh yeah…nice profile pic (love the tiger tattoo) but not sure there’s much potential here since she’s in for LIFE! Your Honor, I swear he threw himself on the knife….37 times!
Angelina: The picture is worth a thousand words…all bad. Her previous occupation was “massage therapist” however; I’m not sure giving massages at the truck stop counts as therapy?
Amber: They say all stereotypes have a bit of truth in them…so let’s try this one: A felon, stripper named Amber? A perfect trifecta!
Stephanie: Her previous occupation was case manager at a law firm…I’d say not a very good firm since she got prison time!
Lorinda: Nothing says C-L-A-S-S-Y like this profile! There is so much going on in I can't keep up!
For the ladies who read the blog, don’t feel left out as there are plenty of single, available men on the website too! Just think, never again will you have to wonder if the guy is a lying, cheating loser…He is(!) so no future disappointments. Plus, when it’s time to end the relationship, just call his P.O. (parole officer) and “violate” him. He’s on the next bus to Chino faster than you can mail your next pen pal letter.
Why pay match.com or e-Harmony a monthly fee to find you an endless cavalcade of losers when you can find your own for the cost of a stamp? Besides, who wants to say I met my "Mr./Ms. Right" at match.com? Boring! You've got to be diligent and determined to find your special someone and nothing says conviction to the cause like a prison pen pal.
The age of the prison pen pal has arrived! Sure, they’ve been convicted of a felony but that doesn’t mean they don’t need love too. You can learn a great deal about people by their profiles…sometimes too much:
Shandra: Seems like a nice girl but not sure she’s learned her lesson yet as her profile says “When I'm out of prison, you'll most likely find me at a ski resort snowboarding or boating in the summer.” Sounds to me like she’s planning on going back to prison at some point so better make sure the deposit at the ski resort is refundable.
Krystal: Scary! She’d cut you just to see if the knife was sharp. I especially love the inclusion of “conversate”…old episodes of “In Living Color” anyone?
Liliana: Oh yeah…nice profile pic (love the tiger tattoo) but not sure there’s much potential here since she’s in for LIFE! Your Honor, I swear he threw himself on the knife….37 times!
Angelina: The picture is worth a thousand words…all bad. Her previous occupation was “massage therapist” however; I’m not sure giving massages at the truck stop counts as therapy?
Amber: They say all stereotypes have a bit of truth in them…so let’s try this one: A felon, stripper named Amber? A perfect trifecta!
Stephanie: Her previous occupation was case manager at a law firm…I’d say not a very good firm since she got prison time!
Lorinda: Nothing says C-L-A-S-S-Y like this profile! There is so much going on in I can't keep up!
For the ladies who read the blog, don’t feel left out as there are plenty of single, available men on the website too! Just think, never again will you have to wonder if the guy is a lying, cheating loser…He is(!) so no future disappointments. Plus, when it’s time to end the relationship, just call his P.O. (parole officer) and “violate” him. He’s on the next bus to Chino faster than you can mail your next pen pal letter.
Why pay match.com or e-Harmony a monthly fee to find you an endless cavalcade of losers when you can find your own for the cost of a stamp? Besides, who wants to say I met my "Mr./Ms. Right" at match.com? Boring! You've got to be diligent and determined to find your special someone and nothing says conviction to the cause like a prison pen pal.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Three Date Rule...
You’re probably familiar with the “Three Date Rule”…if not; I’m not going to explain because you wouldn’t understand and probably fall into one or more of these categories:
You haven’t had a date since the last time a democrat was in the White House
You’ve been married forever and lost the will to live long ago
You live in a cave and only recently discovered the difference between boys and girls
You may know the rule but are you aware of the by-laws? It seems that you’ve got to go on three dates with the SAME person! What?!?!? When did this happen? This totally invalidates my new strategy of going out on a single date with two nice girls and then shooting for that ultra-hot, super model type in the off-chance she’ll go for the ever anticipated third date. Seems I’ve got to figure out how to get the super model to go out with me at least three times…this could be tough but not impossible.
Maybe I could use the Mystery Method or maybe pick up some “self help” books by Tony Clink but do you really have to expend that much energy to impress a super model? I’m thinking you start off with, “So, tell me about yourself…” and she’ll talk for hours! If I take her to three different places on the same date then maybe I can convince her that she has been on three dates? Hmmm…that just might work!
I’d originally planned to post something a bit more serious on the challenges of dating in the modern world but not my style…It’s all about having a bit of fun while you wander through the wilderness cold, naked and alone. That’s not to say the experiences are all bad as some have been interesting, entertaining and even down right bizarre (Aimee, I know you don’t read the blog but “thank you” because people still go “No way that actually happened!” when I tell the story). Call me crazy but I miss the misadventures of dating so maybe it’s time to start looking again?
To be continued…
You haven’t had a date since the last time a democrat was in the White House
You’ve been married forever and lost the will to live long ago
You live in a cave and only recently discovered the difference between boys and girls
You may know the rule but are you aware of the by-laws? It seems that you’ve got to go on three dates with the SAME person! What?!?!? When did this happen? This totally invalidates my new strategy of going out on a single date with two nice girls and then shooting for that ultra-hot, super model type in the off-chance she’ll go for the ever anticipated third date. Seems I’ve got to figure out how to get the super model to go out with me at least three times…this could be tough but not impossible.
Maybe I could use the Mystery Method or maybe pick up some “self help” books by Tony Clink but do you really have to expend that much energy to impress a super model? I’m thinking you start off with, “So, tell me about yourself…” and she’ll talk for hours! If I take her to three different places on the same date then maybe I can convince her that she has been on three dates? Hmmm…that just might work!
I’d originally planned to post something a bit more serious on the challenges of dating in the modern world but not my style…It’s all about having a bit of fun while you wander through the wilderness cold, naked and alone. That’s not to say the experiences are all bad as some have been interesting, entertaining and even down right bizarre (Aimee, I know you don’t read the blog but “thank you” because people still go “No way that actually happened!” when I tell the story). Call me crazy but I miss the misadventures of dating so maybe it’s time to start looking again?
To be continued…
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Relationship PDP
The time has come for the Relationship PDP to become standard operating procedure for all couples! For those of you not in HR (Human Resources), PDP stands for Performance Development Plan which is a tool used to measure a person’s performance towards achieving specific, pre-defined, time bound deliverables. If you work for a company of any size, you have one of these (it may be called something different) and it's used to determine your raise, bonus payout and your continued employment. Why not introduce this valuable tool into your relationship(s)?
How many times have you asked yourself why your partner repeatedly fails to hold up their end of the deal even though it has been discussed too many times? The answer is very simple….no consequences for poor performance! The PDP defines their role/responsibilities so there is no gray area or chance for misunderstanding because everyone agrees to the contents of the PDP before it goes into effect.
Let’s say your partner continually ignores his/her household chores, you can quietly fume while carrying the burden OR you can break out the PDP informing him/her that their performance is sub-par and must be corrected or there will be consequences. You’re not being the “bad guy” because you’ve pre-defined the deliverables so your partner has no excuses and can’t claim ignorance because he/she agreed to the terms. If your partner continues to demonstrate sub-par performance then it’s time to activate the penalty phase and show him/her that you mean business!
The PDP can also be used to help discuss subjects that are sometimes a bit sensitive or embarrassing and set reasonable expectations around performance. Let’s say you’re envious of a GEICO commercial because, unlike your partner, it can go a FULL 30 seconds before it’s finished. That’s a touchy topic that could be very difficult to discuss under normal circumstances but not if you have a PDP. The expectations have been set up front so "quick draw" knows that if his/her performance doesn’t improve then there will be consequences.
The true benefit of the PDP is that rewards/bonuses can be set for exceptional performance. Let’s say you meet all your deliverables then it’s time to activate the “bonus” clause…which can be anything from a special purchase, a trip, more conjugal visits (or less conjugal visits depending on your relationship), etc. The whole point is to reward your partner for holding up their end of the deal and reinforce positive behavior.
It’s funny how relationships always start out with both people being so attentive to each others needs but, over time, we all fall into the trap of familiarity. We get busy, tired, disconnected and lose focus so the need for the Relationship PDP has arrived. You may think you don't need it but you do...
How many times have you asked yourself why your partner repeatedly fails to hold up their end of the deal even though it has been discussed too many times? The answer is very simple….no consequences for poor performance! The PDP defines their role/responsibilities so there is no gray area or chance for misunderstanding because everyone agrees to the contents of the PDP before it goes into effect.
Let’s say your partner continually ignores his/her household chores, you can quietly fume while carrying the burden OR you can break out the PDP informing him/her that their performance is sub-par and must be corrected or there will be consequences. You’re not being the “bad guy” because you’ve pre-defined the deliverables so your partner has no excuses and can’t claim ignorance because he/she agreed to the terms. If your partner continues to demonstrate sub-par performance then it’s time to activate the penalty phase and show him/her that you mean business!
The PDP can also be used to help discuss subjects that are sometimes a bit sensitive or embarrassing and set reasonable expectations around performance. Let’s say you’re envious of a GEICO commercial because, unlike your partner, it can go a FULL 30 seconds before it’s finished. That’s a touchy topic that could be very difficult to discuss under normal circumstances but not if you have a PDP. The expectations have been set up front so "quick draw" knows that if his/her performance doesn’t improve then there will be consequences.
The true benefit of the PDP is that rewards/bonuses can be set for exceptional performance. Let’s say you meet all your deliverables then it’s time to activate the “bonus” clause…which can be anything from a special purchase, a trip, more conjugal visits (or less conjugal visits depending on your relationship), etc. The whole point is to reward your partner for holding up their end of the deal and reinforce positive behavior.
It’s funny how relationships always start out with both people being so attentive to each others needs but, over time, we all fall into the trap of familiarity. We get busy, tired, disconnected and lose focus so the need for the Relationship PDP has arrived. You may think you don't need it but you do...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Truth in advertising...
I was attempting to watch TV last night but it was commercial after commercial for political candidates…I swear there were more commercials than actual programming. I wouldn’t mind if they were Super Bowl quality as it might be worth my time to see how they could spin their positions into something funny and entertaining. The truth is there's nothing funny about any of them and their plans so guess their commercials should be equally uninspired! I would, however, like to see the idea below turned into a commercial.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/27360516/?GT1=43001
Amy Borkowsky is trying to buy a Super Bowl ad to attract a man…the wrinkle is that it costs $3M and she’s a bit short (of the amount…not in height). For those who know me, they can attest to my continued bachelorhood in spite of all my efforts to find Ms. Right. I sympathize with her plight as I’ve had my fair share of mismatched set-ups (being single doesn’t make her perfect for me…), narcissists, super freaks and my personal favorite, “Like I could ever be interested in you…” girls who are holding out for Brad Pitt. For the last group, I often suggest a personal trainer, plastic surgery and a healthy dose of humility because no decent guy worth having would put up with that kind of self-absorbed bullsh*t.
Kudos to Amy as she seems grounded and realistic in her search….especially in evaluating what works for her:
“I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect,” she told a TODAY Show reporter Friday. “I’m looking for Mr. Perfect-for-Me.”
I’ve always advocated self-awareness and understanding of one’s self when looking for a partner because the “perfect by everyone else’s standard” person may not be the “perfect for you” person.
Now, what could ruin this great story…introducing Kathy Lee Gifford. Seems she has not disappeared into obscurity (as much as I had hoped she was gone from the public consciousness forever) but has a gig on the Today Show. In her typical asinine way, she fired off the following quote:
Gifford said, a bit sarcastically. “She’s probably a math whiz, too. I’m sorry, there’s a little bit of discrepancy between $1,000 and a million dollars. Give me her number. I will call her and talk to her. I am older and wiser now and I will talk to her.”
As a person who uses statistics every single day in my job, I have to ask, “What the hell’s wrong with being a math whiz?” When did being smart become a liability?
Of course, the idiocy continued as she proceeded to dispense some sage wisdom:
“She should go to her local church or her local synagogue or her local bowling alley and meet a nice guy who’s looking for a nice girl,” she said.
Huh? Local bowling alley? First, I’ve NEVER seen a bowling alley in Manhattan. Secondly, why would anyone take relationship advice from a woman who’s husband repeatedly cheated on her (he did some FREAKY things with his flight attendant mistress in case you forgot the sordid details) and then she stayed with him! Sorry Kathie Lee but your right to give advice on relationships expired at the moment you gave up your self-respect and last shred of dignity to keep a philandering husband for the dollars.
The other host of the show had equally awful advice:
“You don’t want someone who you’re going to meet on a Super Bowl ad,” Kotb added.
The second rule of dating is never discount the method/place you meet someone as you never know where “perfect for me” is going to pop up. To make a statement like the one above only confirms why the host is still single…you limit your choices then you limit your success. It’s as simple as that…
Maybe I’ll send her a few dollars as I applaud the initiative (don’t know that she’ll find her perfect person but I'm sure it will be a great story) because she's at least trying and that’s all you can really do at the end of the day…It’s all any of us can do.
If you want to contribute or just want to know more about Amy: superbowlsinglegirl.com (pass it on!)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/27360516/?GT1=43001
Amy Borkowsky is trying to buy a Super Bowl ad to attract a man…the wrinkle is that it costs $3M and she’s a bit short (of the amount…not in height). For those who know me, they can attest to my continued bachelorhood in spite of all my efforts to find Ms. Right. I sympathize with her plight as I’ve had my fair share of mismatched set-ups (being single doesn’t make her perfect for me…), narcissists, super freaks and my personal favorite, “Like I could ever be interested in you…” girls who are holding out for Brad Pitt. For the last group, I often suggest a personal trainer, plastic surgery and a healthy dose of humility because no decent guy worth having would put up with that kind of self-absorbed bullsh*t.
Kudos to Amy as she seems grounded and realistic in her search….especially in evaluating what works for her:
“I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect,” she told a TODAY Show reporter Friday. “I’m looking for Mr. Perfect-for-Me.”
I’ve always advocated self-awareness and understanding of one’s self when looking for a partner because the “perfect by everyone else’s standard” person may not be the “perfect for you” person.
Now, what could ruin this great story…introducing Kathy Lee Gifford. Seems she has not disappeared into obscurity (as much as I had hoped she was gone from the public consciousness forever) but has a gig on the Today Show. In her typical asinine way, she fired off the following quote:
Gifford said, a bit sarcastically. “She’s probably a math whiz, too. I’m sorry, there’s a little bit of discrepancy between $1,000 and a million dollars. Give me her number. I will call her and talk to her. I am older and wiser now and I will talk to her.”
As a person who uses statistics every single day in my job, I have to ask, “What the hell’s wrong with being a math whiz?” When did being smart become a liability?
Of course, the idiocy continued as she proceeded to dispense some sage wisdom:
“She should go to her local church or her local synagogue or her local bowling alley and meet a nice guy who’s looking for a nice girl,” she said.
Huh? Local bowling alley? First, I’ve NEVER seen a bowling alley in Manhattan. Secondly, why would anyone take relationship advice from a woman who’s husband repeatedly cheated on her (he did some FREAKY things with his flight attendant mistress in case you forgot the sordid details) and then she stayed with him! Sorry Kathie Lee but your right to give advice on relationships expired at the moment you gave up your self-respect and last shred of dignity to keep a philandering husband for the dollars.
The other host of the show had equally awful advice:
“You don’t want someone who you’re going to meet on a Super Bowl ad,” Kotb added.
The second rule of dating is never discount the method/place you meet someone as you never know where “perfect for me” is going to pop up. To make a statement like the one above only confirms why the host is still single…you limit your choices then you limit your success. It’s as simple as that…
Maybe I’ll send her a few dollars as I applaud the initiative (don’t know that she’ll find her perfect person but I'm sure it will be a great story) because she's at least trying and that’s all you can really do at the end of the day…It’s all any of us can do.
If you want to contribute or just want to know more about Amy: superbowlsinglegirl.com (pass it on!)
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