Seeing the + in the -

(To start at the beginning of the series, check out "Fake It..." )

Now that I’d become a man about town wearing my goofy smile and handing out compliments like Halloween candy, it was time to start making some real changes. This phase didn’t require suspension of certain human traits but direct, head-on confrontation of how I viewed events/situations to stop focusing on the negative.

Phase Two of the experiment can be described as “Seeing the positive in the negative”. Bad, unfortunate things happen to good people…it’s a fact of life but I was determined to find as much “positive” as possible in everything (especially when I failed at something...which we all know rarely ever happens in my world).

Case in point, the other day I decided to take a chance and ask a very nice girl out for coffee. Going into the situation, success seemed very likely but reality was a bit less forgiving…my offer was politely declined. (Author’s Note: Obviously I didn't adequately present all the wonderful things associated with being around ESC or she’d have said “Yes! How about right now?” : ) In the past, I’d have been bummed at putting myself out there only to fail but not this time. I focused on the positive aspects (I confronted my anxiety of asking her and took the leap regardless of the consequences!) and not the negative aspects (She declined). I’m not going to ignore the mistakes made in the process but simply chose to be happy about taking the chance instead of dwelling on the outcome.

I need to take a moment to clarify the difference between declining an offer and being rejected…they are NOT the same thing. Declining my invitation for coffee was not personal in any way….it was simply the act of declining an invitation to meet and nothing more. Next time I see her, how will I react? The same as I always have (friendly, cordial, etc.) because it wasn’t personal. Now, if she’d said, “No way! You’re a geek and have the biggest nose I’ve ever seen!” then that’s personal. For the record, I’m not a geek…OK, not a really big geek.

You’re thinking, “So what…he probably gets “declined” all the time? He’s able to see the positive in a fairly easy situation but could he find the positive in something truly awful?” The answer is yes. I’d describe my life as a "tragicomedy in progress" so plenty of really good examples to choose from.

A few years ago, I went through an especially rough period of life where I saw the dissolution of a 10 year romantic relationship, job loss and the complete, utter failure of all aspects of my life in the span of about a month. I focused so intensely on the negative aspects I lost over 20 lbs and basically slept walked through an entire year of my life. During the following years, I slowly began to see the positives (quite by accident and through no conscious effort) and decided to revisit the situation during the experiment by writing down all the positives and negatives. Not only did the positives outnumber the negatives, I discovered the negatives were things I no longer needed (the introduction to Phase Three).

Phase Two is still in progress and I have more to accomplish but here’s what I’ve learned so far:

There is at least one positive point in ANY situation…you may have to dig deep but it’s there.

You have to constantly work on this as it’s easy to revert to old patterns of thought…especially after a failure.

Was it easy to go back through all the bad times and mistakes? Not really…but it was necessary to re-frame the events so my thoughts focus on the positive outcomes because those memories are the ones worth remembering. Maybe I’m deluding myself but that’s OK because it’s a pretty good place to be and my perception is reality!

To be continued...

NOTE: In reference to the statement, “So what…he probably gets “declined” all the time? “ …I’ll admit I’m batting a bit under .500 these days but you don’t have to hit every pitch, only the right ones : )

Fake It...

How much better would your life be if you simply chose to be happy? I first stumbled across the idea while researching Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) which led me to a website discussing the principles of Huna. It was an interesting concept but hardly life changing for a man who doesn’t believe in spirituality, Cartesian Dualism or any of the New Age nonsense. It’s a nice thought but it can’t be as simple as saying “I want and choose to be happy”…nothing is that easy!

The idea of “choosing happiness” didn’t resurface until a few months ago when I was researching quality of hire. How do you find enlightenment while researching HR topics? By accident! I found a blog entry on the topic and the author discussed her research but, in the end, it always came back to the fact that a person’s perception is their reality. The light bulb came on and an experiment was now in order.

My “experiment” isn’t based on any single philosophy or path but on the trial and error of evolutionary learning (i.e. I’ll make mistakes but will learn from them to get to the next level...or not and will wander aimlessly). The experiment has a beginning but no defined end at this point…The goal is to be happy for the rest of my life either through choice or by finding the thing(s) that naturally bring happiness.

The first phase of my experiment can best be described as “Fake it”. Behavior/thoughts don’t change overnight as you’ve got an entire life time of negative reinforcement and rationality to overcome. This phase requires suspension of some basic human traits…in essence, fake being happy even when your not. My goal was to smile at all times (in public) and to say at least one nice thing to five strangers a day. It sounds easy but it’s harder than you think!

I started at a local shopping mall and decided to walk around with my new positive attitude and smile to see what happened. Not much...on the first trip, I felt very conscious of the fact I was smiling and probably looked like one of those “happy” people you just want to slap for no real reason. It took multiple trips but it became more natural the less I thought about it and simply let muscle memory take over. Over time, I found myself smiling even though I wasn’t really happy. I was faking it like a politician!

The second part of Phase One was much more difficult as I had to engage strangers in a non-threatening way and give them a compliment. There were no limiters so it could be anyone and I found my first opportunity by chance. I was buying dress shirts at Macy’s and a woman was debating (with another woman) which of two shirts to buy for her husband. My comment, “Get both…you have excellent taste”. Did she have good taste? I don’t know (and don’t care!) as the point wasn’t to establish a conversation or get anything from the interaction…just to say something positive. The outcome was a sincere smile and the comment “You’re right...I like them both. Thank you”. Success!

But what do you do when real life situations intrude on the experiement? The situation at my office over the past two weeks has been downright depressing and walking around with a smile would’ve made me look like an insensitive idiot. I’m sure people would have said “What a jack*ss! He’s smiling while people are being sacked!” so had to change up the plan. I decided to substitute words of encouragement with the goal of making people feel better...think of it as projecting your smile to others.

At the conclusion of Phase One, here’s what I’ve learned:

1) Forcing a smile (even when I felt less than happy) actually improved my mood and reduced stress…it became a natural feeling much easier than expected.

2) Most people (walking alone) either have no expression or frown in their natural state. I found this shocking and actually walked around a bit longer to try and find one person who was smiling…no success.

3) A sincere gesture/compliment is usually met with a look of disbelief and healthy dose of skepticism (we are a cynical society…).

4) The better I treat other people the better I feel about myself and my situation. Making others feel better about themselves or their situation brings you happiness...guaranteed!

At the end of Phase One, I’d changed my outward appearance (smiling almost all the time) and attitude when interacting with people and it was starting to show positive results. I was still faking it a great deal of the time but it was starting to become more natural.

With lessons learned, it's time for Phase Two.

To be continued…

The Art of the Happy Ending…

There’s an art to the break up and few people take the time to create a true masterpiece. Maybe it’s because people read too many of those stupid relationship advice articles or just lack creativity and a sense of style? Maybe people are just too lazy to care? We spend so much time studying how to meet people that we often neglect the importance of knowing how to end it.

As part of my research to make this the best blog in the universe, I subject myself to the inanities of Cosmo (the answer to all problems is sex and the perfect O) and Marie Claire (my all-time favorite…completely useless advice) to get some female perspective on relationships. Outside of rehashing the same topics over and over, I have to laugh when they play the “man” to tell women how we feel or what’s in our head. The article above is a great example…let’s break it down from a man’s perspective:

Article: “You are not ruining someone's life; they will get over you some day.”
Man View: We’ll get over you as soon as we get laid again. Nothing says “what's her name?” like scoring with someone new…especially if she’s hotter than the ex. Bonus points if she’ll do all the things your ex wouldn’t even consider. Double bonus points if she let’s you film it!

Article: If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
Man View: What in the h*ll does honesty have to do with anything during a break up? Men really don't care about the "why"...you're leaving so don't bore us with all the reasons and brutual honesty. It's not like we're going to change...besides, we are already thinking about the girl at the office and all the other girls we'd like to meet.

Article: Make it fast…
Man View: Please do…we have other girls (who know you!) to meet and a long, drawn out commentary on the relationship wastes our time. It’s a common misconception that men will try to sleep with their ex’s friends to get even but not so…we’ll sleep with every girl you’ve ever been jealous of or hate! Why? Your friends are on the defensive (and wouldn’t betray you unless they secretly hate you) but all those other girls are lining up to stick the dagger deep in your back. They may be married, in a committed relationship, whatever…doesn’t matter, if they hate you enough; they will play their part in the “revenge”. Most, if not all will score "bonus points"...some will even get "Double Bonus Points"!

Article: Avoid cliché’s like "I love you; I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff.
Man View: Sure we do…women have been sold on the idea we’re too stupid to understand most things but we understand everything all while playing dumb. It’s OK…we probably told you “I love you” when we didn’t really mean it either.

Article: People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt.
Man View: Guilt? Not sure what that is but doesn’t sound like it would be any fun. A man will only beg, plead or cry (for goodness sakes…you’re a Man!) if he has no one lined up to take your place. I don’t mean a solid relationship that fulfills his every need…I mean a girl who is available for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. The domain of Guilt is strictly a female construct…men have no need or want for such a useless emotion.

Article: Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails.
Man View: We’ll only call if we have no other options for sex….period. We don’t want you back…if you’ve managed to hurt us then you’ve been reduced in stature from goddess/potential wife/mother of our children to the legions of nameless, faceless women we pass on the street every day. Men are strong, tough, and proud...if you hurt/betray/wound then we’re done with you (except for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit).

Article: The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.
Man View: The lack of a consistent message just tells us you’re bi-polar, manic or just plain crazy with other issues we want no part of in a long-term capacity. If we come back, it’s strictly part-time while we line up the next girl or for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. I know it's mentioned above twice but can never be stressed enough in Man World!

Article: The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.
Man View: Nothing says “disrespect” like dropping a guy via text message when you’ve been together for any amount of time. Guys will tell other guys about your lack of courage (among all the other things you “lacked”) and they’ll tell their girlfriends….soon these women will be talking about what you lack and then it’s truly over! Women think men can be cruel…but we can never be as cruel as other women!

The male mind is complex and there's no way a magazine article will ever shed any meaningful light on it's workings...especially when it comes to relationships. When it's time to call it quits, don't try to get into our heads or other such nonsense...just do it and move on because we've got places to go and enemies to meet!

Author’s Note: The information above is purely for entertainment purposes only and doesn’t reflect the opinions/thoughts/past of the author in any capacity. If you were offended by the entry, please send me the name, age, phone number and brief description of all the women that are jealous of/hate you and I’ll do all I can to make it right...everybody smile ; )

Too lazy to meet your match(.com)...Part II

Note: If you haven’t read any of the previous posts in the series, click here or none of this will make any sense at all.

When I started researching the mail order bride websites, I tried the trusty key word search but got way too many results. It’s a popular search as one site had over 4.4 million distinct searches. I needed a better plan to narrow the field to only quality websites but how? Simple…I asked my married friends which ones they go to!

In case you didn’t know, married men are the best source for information on things like strip clubs, free internet p*rn sites, dating sites, any movie with nudity, etc. This is NOT a theory…it’s a proven fact! Most single guys are too busy out meeting girls to spend hours scouring the net for the slightest glimpse of skin. Married men…they’ve got the rest of their life to search the net.

One of my friends (we’ll came him Wizzer) has long advocated this site after his trips (w/the wife) to the Soviet Union. The site has over 18,000 women looking for any man who will take them away. Are you short, fat, balding with body odor? No problem…she’ll say “Yes!” if you’ll get her out of the USSR.

Russian women are beautiful but life is very hard for them as the most common occupation for Russian men is unemployment and his hobbies usually include alcoholism, drug addiction, serial adultery and battery…kind of sounds like the guys on the prison pen pal site!

Another friend (we’ll call him GP) is a fan of this site. Interesting collection of prospects but think they're slightly off target in their thoughts about what an American man is searching for in a mail order spouse. “Americans are attracted by diligence, firmness, and stability of mind”. Well…One out three ain't bad!

I’ll have to take a pass for now but reserve the right to take the easy way out if I ever wake up short, fat and balding with body odor. Oh no...I’m already one out of four!

Too lazy to meet your match(.com)...Part I

NOTE: This entry was inspired by the overwhelming feedback to my previous post….OK, only the “Commish” actually posted a comment but quite sure my other 3 readers appreciated it as well.

The thought of a prison pen pal is somewhat intriguing as a way to meet “soon-to-be-available/paroled” women but it just seems like too much work. Think about it….you have to establish a fake identity, a PO Box (never have them respond to your real address!), buy stamps and all sorts of other complications. Personally, I don’t have that kind of time (OK…maybe I do) so decided to scour the web to find an even easier way to the future ex-Mrs. ESC. The journey was perilous but I bring you new content for your enjoyment!

The first thing I discovered is the landscape is VERY different for women using the Internet to find a husband. A quick Google search for “mail order husband” returned very few results...mostly questions about the subject. There were a couple sites listed and here’s the top choice.

I didn’t see a pricing guide so emailed them and received the following reply:

“Thanks for your inquiry about pricing. We’ve copied the e-Bay model and operate on an “open bid” process. Although we have no reserve, we do ask your bid be greater than $1 dollar (that’s what Pay Pal charges us to process your payment). If you’re short on cash, we are open to trading for old Atari games or Star Trek PEZ dispensers. Thank you.”

Heck of a deal but most women aren’t looking to spend money to find a husband….they’re looking to find a husband with money. I’d like to believe there’s more to love than money (probably because I work for a living….) but I could be wrong. There’s some truth that money makes an ugly guy beautiful…just ask Mickey Rourke or Nick Nolte. Since both these guys are taken, try your luck with this group of obscenely wealthy bachelors.

At this point, you’re probably wondering if guys have to navigate the same mine field to get a mail order bride? The answer is a resounding “NO!” and we’ll cover that in the next post.

You've met your match(.com)

This entry is dedicated to all the single people trying to find someone special but having a difficult time. Tired of the cattle call mentality of Speed Dating? Disappointed in meeting the match.com person who looks nothing like their photo? Confused by the matches sent to your inbox from e-Harmony that totally don’t match you at all? We’ve tried all the “usual” methods to meet new people but nothing ever seems to work. Well, I’ve found a better way…just click here.

The age of the prison pen pal has arrived! Sure, they’ve been convicted of a felony but that doesn’t mean they don’t need love too. You can learn a great deal about people by their profiles…sometimes too much:

Shandra: Seems like a nice girl but not sure she’s learned her lesson yet as her profile says “When I'm out of prison, you'll most likely find me at a ski resort snowboarding or boating in the summer.” Sounds to me like she’s planning on going back to prison at some point so better make sure the deposit at the ski resort is refundable.

Krystal: Scary! She’d cut you just to see if the knife was sharp. I especially love the inclusion of “conversate”…old episodes of “In Living Color” anyone?

Liliana: Oh yeah…nice profile pic (love the tiger tattoo) but not sure there’s much potential here since she’s in for LIFE! Your Honor, I swear he threw himself on the knife….37 times!

Angelina: The picture is worth a thousand words…all bad. Her previous occupation was “massage therapist” however; I’m not sure giving massages at the truck stop counts as therapy?

Amber: They say all stereotypes have a bit of truth in them…so let’s try this one: A felon, stripper named Amber? A perfect trifecta!

Stephanie: Her previous occupation was case manager at a law firm…I’d say not a very good firm since she got prison time!

Lorinda: Nothing says C-L-A-S-S-Y like this profile! There is so much going on in I can't keep up!

For the ladies who read the blog, don’t feel left out as there are plenty of single, available men on the website too! Just think, never again will you have to wonder if the guy is a lying, cheating loser…He is(!) so no future disappointments. Plus, when it’s time to end the relationship, just call his P.O. (parole officer) and “violate” him. He’s on the next bus to Chino faster than you can mail your next pen pal letter.

Why pay match.com or e-Harmony a monthly fee to find you an endless cavalcade of losers when you can find your own for the cost of a stamp? Besides, who wants to say I met my "Mr./Ms. Right" at match.com? Boring! You've got to be diligent and determined to find your special someone and nothing says conviction to the cause like a prison pen pal.

Three Date Rule...

You’re probably familiar with the “Three Date Rule”…if not; I’m not going to explain because you wouldn’t understand and probably fall into one or more of these categories:

You haven’t had a date since the last time a democrat was in the White House
You’ve been married forever and lost the will to live long ago
You live in a cave and only recently discovered the difference between boys and girls

You may know the rule but are you aware of the by-laws? It seems that you’ve got to go on three dates with the SAME person! What?!?!? When did this happen? This totally invalidates my new strategy of going out on a single date with two nice girls and then shooting for that ultra-hot, super model type in the off-chance she’ll go for the ever anticipated third date. Seems I’ve got to figure out how to get the super model to go out with me at least three times…this could be tough but not impossible.

Maybe I could use the Mystery Method or maybe pick up some “self help” books by Tony Clink but do you really have to expend that much energy to impress a super model? I’m thinking you start off with, “So, tell me about yourself…” and she’ll talk for hours! If I take her to three different places on the same date then maybe I can convince her that she has been on three dates? Hmmm…that just might work!

I’d originally planned to post something a bit more serious on the challenges of dating in the modern world but not my style…It’s all about having a bit of fun while you wander through the wilderness cold, naked and alone. That’s not to say the experiences are all bad as some have been interesting, entertaining and even down right bizarre (Aimee, I know you don’t read the blog but “thank you” because people still go “No way that actually happened!” when I tell the story). Call me crazy but I miss the misadventures of dating so maybe it’s time to start looking again?

To be continued…