Sunday, March 29, 2009

You're gonna love my nuts…

In the era before TARP regulations took away all incentive to over-achieve, top performers could win very cool trips at XYZ Corporation as “recognition” for your hard work and achievement. Yours truly won the award last year and I often think about the week in South Beach…especially when things are not going so well. After a very long (and tough) week at the office, my thoughts drifted back to SoBe nightlife so coincidence I found this story?...I think not. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present a cautionary tale involving almost sex, some minor violence and the super absorbent ShamWOW!

What do these three seemingly disparate things have in common? Vince Schlomi! Who? You probably don’t recognize the name but he’s the guy from the ShamWOW! and the Slap Chop commercials. It true the ShamWOW can hold 20 times its weight in liquid and it’s made in Germany but it’s equally true that no matter how hard you try the ShamWOW will not get you laid. If it could, every man in the world would own a ShamWOW….probably two.

Seems Vince struck up a deal with a prostitute for “straight sex” for $1000. No one pays a $1000 for straight sex from a girl they met in a club…you’ve got to want something “special” for that kind of coin (and I doubt it was “bite my tongue”). Let’s see what $1000 will get you from a SoBe professional:


Wait….this picture is from 2005 when she first got busted for prostitution. Notice the gown is on backwards and inside out…nothing like those rookie mistakes on your first bust. Here’s a recent picture:


Time has not been kind as she now looks more like what you’d find 3 blocks over on Washington Ave for about $950 less…including the tongue biting fee! After seeing this photo, I'm definitely not saying ShamWOW...more like ShamWHY would you pay for it? Although, to her credit, she learned from previous prison fashion mistakes and has the gown on correctly this time…practice makes perfect!

Of course, Vince’s arrest photo is a disaster too…seriously, she kicked his a**!


(I especially like the faux fur collared jacket over the hospital gown…player represent!)

While he was getting his a** kicked by a prostitute, I picture him screaming, “ShamOWWWW!” as he flailed his girl-y man arms (Proof positive the Slap Chop does NOT keep your pimp hand strong). What would cause her to do this? Maybe she bought a ShamWOW only to discover the name should have stopped at sham? Maybe she was paid to do it…Where was Billy Mayes when this was happening? The truth may never been known...and we'll never really care.

Of course, this whole debacle could have been much worse if she listened to his Slap Chop tagline…”You’re gonna love my nuts!” Sorry Vince but doubt anyone loves your nuts….unless you pay them.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Pro-V Superstar...

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you’re walking through a TV commercial? It’s like when I was walking down Madison Avenue and ran into the Burger King…big plastic head and all! I had one of those moments the other night when I met the Pro-V Superstar…we’ll call him Sampson.

It was a cloudy Thursday evening when Sampson walked in with a small group of people. He was part of the group but separate at the same time…somehow different, better than the rest. It was his shoulder length, shiny, black hair. Dress codes be damned…he wasn’t afraid to show the Man his contempt for the well-groomed in the workplace.

I didn’t pay much attention to him at first but that soon changed as the group started scoping out seats right across from me. Normally, I don’t care but tonight was different as I couldn’t afford to be distracted…No, tonight I needed space and I definitely didn’t need to see Sampson sitting right across from me with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair.

My date for the evening (We’ll call her Delilah) sensed the impending doom of having this band of miscreant, bed-wetting, momma’s boys sitting near us and quickly moved a bag to make space for them at the other end of the bar. Crisis averted but here’s where things get interesting!

Out of the blue, Sampson proceeds to flip his hair like a supermodel (a FEMALE supermodel)! I could only think of the old Pantene commercials from the 90’s where she throws her hair back while running her hands down the length. He mirrored her motion but couldn’t stop at once, not twice, not even three times but an amazing five times! If this act of self-love had gone on any longer it would have required a parental advisory sticker.

On the fifth flip, he was ready to take on the world with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair securely behind his ears…just like when he walked in! He was on the prowl but, unfortunately for him, the place was virtually empty. Maybe his goal was to impress Delilah? Somehow, I don’t think it worked.

Let’s fast forward to the end of the evening as I met Sampson (alone) outside smoking a cigarette in the rain. I passed by on my way back into the night but not without saying, “Love the hair…I absolutely love the hair”. Was this beginning of a man crush much like EP’s “mush” for the Barilla guy? Probably not but given how hard he’d tried to impress everyone with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair he deserved a moment of recognition (validation?).

I couldn’t help but think about how he’d have been famous in the 90’s had he known kung-fu or maybe lived in Seattle and started a band. No man needs real talent when he has shoulder length, shiny, black hair. Maybe he would have gotten his own Pantene commercial? Maybe he could have gone over to L’Oreal? Sounds reasonable because we all know he’s worth it!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Cool as Ice...

Just when you think it’s gone for good, you start to see them everywhere. Hiding out in the shadows or right out front in a crowd of people…it’s there. I’m talking about the unfortunate hair style choice known as the mullet. It’s back and scarier than ever.

I’ve been horrified (and humored) by the mullet for years. How something so absurd could be so loved by people even when it invites ridicule is beyond comprehension. Maybe it’s the “business up front…party out back” attitude or maybe it’s a signal (like a secret handshake) most normal people aren’t aware of yet. No matter the answer, I was almost convinced it had reached the point of extinction…until Friday night.

GP and I went down to NoDa for the gallery crawl to check out some art and maybe a band or two. The night was going well until we decided to stop at this bar to see the band setting up. The band was noting special (I seriously expected the keyboardist/singer to break into Styx’s Renegade at any moment…and it would have been an improvement!) but then HE hit the stage. Sporting a vintage AC/DC shirt (along with 40 extra pounds) and a second hand bass, he brought the classic skullet out for our entertainment. His love of the skullet told me he's a true believer in following your own way…even if it means walking around in circles for hours on end.

As entertaining as the skullet was on Friday night, I figured it was a one off good for a laugh (and believe me….GP and I laughed!). To my horror, I opened the e-version of my local paper to be greeted with the newest mullet type…the Urban Mullet!


This young man (Donnie Wayne Champagne…say it S-L-O-W-L-Y) is on the cutting edge of hair style by bringing us a totally new, never before seen version of the mullet. One commenter on the board summed it up by saying “Michael Jordan up front with Bob Marley out back”. Another asked if it was a dreadlock wig sliding off his head. Of all the posts, everyone mentioned the hair while very few discussed the fact he had a loaded gun at school. Guess cool hair trumps a felony any day of the week.

To compliment his progressive hair style, he also added the extra touch of partially shaving off his eyebrows. The article mentioned it’s a “gang sign” but I think the origin is much less threatening.


Yes, I brought out the original, partially shaved eyebrow guy…Vanilla Ice! While he didn’t sport a mullet he probably should have since it couldn't be any worse than the cut above. He’s currently sporting tattooed letters on each finger that spell out “Wide Open”. My choice for him would have been “Real Dumb”. Of course, maybe I’m a bit jealous as he NEVER has to work again while I’ll being getting up bright and early tomorrow for…work. Maybe I should be the one getting the “Real Dumb” tattoo?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Catch of the Day....Part II

Well, The Fish is proving to be a disappointment in terms of meeting women but a great place to find material for the blog. I’m constantly amazed at what people will write about themselves (and the accompanying photos) knowing it will all be available to anyone who surfs the site. These people aren’t afraid to put it out there…even if they really don’t know they are putting it out there.

This Example is direct and to point (whatever the point is?) by stating up front all the things she hates. From Christians to country music to people who don’t use colloquialisms and expletives in their speech. Colloquialisms? That’s a big word…like gymnasium. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete if she didn’t detail her own “hang-ups”. Seems she really hates old men (unless they look young) so doubt she’s going to be the newest member of Together Christian even though our guy is “Certified” and probably not only knows what a colloquialism is but actually uses them on a daily basis (like every other speaking human being).

As an added bonus, she is using the Fish as a means to secure work as a voiceover artist with an enticing resume of being able to do about “30 cartoon snippets”. I don’t know of too many shows that need a Christian hating, 80’s New Wave listening, expletive dropping cartoon character but, then again, Fox hasn't revealed their new Sunday night lineup yet.

This one is a classic example of how the background can outshine the subject of the photo. Example 2 took the question “Do you have a car?” to heart and made sure it was included in the picture in case anyone chose to doubt her honesty. Nothing says “Southern pride” more than a late 90’s Camaro parked under a tree on a summer day. The profile is great too and I applaud her for calling out that she loves beaching. Seems all the women I meet love beaching too…beaching about their ex, beaching about their friends, beaching about their lives, etc.

I’ve saved the best for last as this one has so much happening I’m not sure I can cover all the bases. Normally, most women hide "Crazy" but not this one….she embraces the moment and just bombards all with one red flag after another. Profession is listed as psychotic poet and her interests are as diverse as magic to the paranormal to MMA to qigong with too many more to mention. In a special nod to my friends in the Pacific Northwest, the link for qigong goes back to a bunch of profiles…all in Washington state! I swear it was a great place when I was there and it rained like 2 day a week…tops! : )

I’m losing faith in the Fish but keep casting a line in the hope of finding the catch of the day.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Catch of the Day...

It’s a well known fact that I attract crazy women…like swirling eye, bunny-in-a-pot kind of crazy. Things always start out very normal but, somewhere along the way; the real personality emerges and she proudly declares, ‘I’m crazy…” as I struggle to keep the car on the road.

I’m still conducting the Fish Experiment although I’ve had very little time to actually search out new catches. I did log on for a few minutes the other night to kill time and decided to click on one of the random profiles that appear when you access the site. I was not disappointed as I was greeted with the following picture:


I guess you can say the “writings on the wall” so to speak. I’m all for truth in advertising (especially in dating) but I probably wouldn’t advertise I’m a crazy bitch on my underwear and then post pictures of myself in said underwear on a public website.

Of course, if you’re going tell the world you’re a Crazy Bitch then writing it on your underwear is probably better than the following option:


Sometimes I wonder if people really forget tattoos are permanent or just make unfortunate choices in ink . I picture her telling the artist she wants Crazy Bitch in block letters on her lower back….only to get Crazy Bitch written on blocks! The only thing that could possibly make this better is if the artist had left off the “B” and she was left with a “Crazy Itch".

My friend has a saying passed down from his father…”They (women) are all crazy…you just got to find one who’s less crazy than the rest”. I think there’s some truth to the statement (just as there is truth in the stereotypes of men) but you can’t let the prospect of crazy keep you from looking for Ms. Right. Of course, if you find “crazy” then hopefully it looks like picture one : )

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Return to Sherwood Forest...

For those long time readers, you’ll remember back in October I penned an entry titled Obama of Sherwood Forest talking about why socialism is the absolute wrong path for any society that values hard work and achievement. I’m the first to agree on the need for social programs to help those less fortunate get back on their feet but at what point do we (the responsible parties) say “Enough is enough!”

The economy's in the toilet…no eloquent way to state the obvious. The unbridled greed of the past few years has caught up with our society and now we pay the price…or do we? Depends on who you are…

President Obama has unveiled a new plan to help people keep their homes provided they weren’t speculators or people who borrowed amounts they could never repay. To that point, it seems the administration is at odds based on the following quote from Ben Bernanke:

Defending the program Tuesday at a Senate hearing, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said it's important to save those who made bad calls, for the greater good. He likened it to calling the fire department to put out a blaze caused by someone smoking in bed.

"I think the smart way to deal with a situation like that is to put out the fire, save him from his own consequences of his own action but then, going forward, enact penalties and set tougher rules about smoking in bed."

I’m horribly disturbed by the above statement as it basically says, “You were irresponsible but the taxpayers are going to save you and then make sure those evil banks/mortgage companies don’t do this to you or some other unsuspecting person ever again”. Where are the consequences for the people who were irresponsible? They will be rewarded with a mandatory rate reduction (as well as principle reduction) while every responsible homeowner will bear the burden of financing this program as will their children and possibly their children. The lesson to be learned is hard work and fiscal responsibility is the surest way to ensure you have nothing…except the bill for saving the irresponsible!

The common argument I hear about this stance is “People need a place to live so stopping foreclosures will ensure people aren’t on the street”. This position has little merit as people who are foreclosed on have the option of getting an apartment they can afford. It’s not their $800K house but it’s an affordable roof over their head. What if the person is unemployed and being foreclosed on? These are the situations where people do need help but not in the form of modifying their loan…they have NO money to pay the loan even if the terms are adjusted. Somewhere along the line, people began to believe homeownership was a right and not a privilege. It’s most certainly a privilege and should be reserved for those who’ve sacrificed, saved and live well within their means…not those who simply said “I deserve this” with no means to repay the loan.

There are plenty of bad guys in the economic meltdown so not letting bank/mortgage companies off the hook but if people had not signed up for loans they couldn’t afford then the banks wouldn’t have been able to leverage this enormous mountain of consumer debt in the form of CDO’s and CDS’. Banks were all too happy to write the loans with little more than a scrap of paper and wink to people who never had a chance of ever being able to afford the payments on the loan once the rates adjusted. The greed of the nation drove a short-term gain in the market at the expense of a generation’s wealth.

I’m also to blame for the economic meltdown…as are you if you’ve ever invested any money in the market. As an investor, my share of the blame comes in the form of the ever-increasing demands for greater profits from the corporations. The thought of continuous growth is a fallacy as all things have finite potential and corporate profits are not exempt. Every quarter the company has to show a “gain” or the stock is deemed stagnant and the price begins to fall (almost immediately). The only option for the corporation is to create new revenue streams which usually come with a trade-off in risk exposure. The old system of dividends for long-term, consistent management has been replaced by the need to see immediate, double digit returns by close of business which isn’t sustainable…a lesson we seem to forget every time the market takes us to school.

So what’s left for those of us who played by the rules? An interest rate reduction? Maybe a principle reduction? Not likely to happen as there is no incentive to help us because we’ll continue to pay and pay and pay holding onto the archaic concept of personal responsibility.

On the topic of responsibility, I’m also disturbed by the comment:

Abess demonstrates the kind of "responsibility" the president has called for from high-profile financial CEOs, the White House said. (Click here for the entire article).

The ‘responsibility’ mentioned in the article is actually a redistribution of wealth from the former CEO to people who worked for the company. Taken in the context of the recent infusion of government capital into financial institutions, the seeds are being planted for long-term government intervention in our financial systems with rewards being distributed from the company to the poor….at the expense of the taxpayer.

In this new, modern day Sherwood Forest, those who’ve played by the rules will get to see redistribution…only this time it will be the debt of the irresponsible redistributed to the responsible. Makes emigration to a small Caribbean nation look better every day!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Everyone’s your friend…

Why does everyone think they’re your friend on Facebook…even if they don’t know you? I’ve wondered how long it would take and it finally happened…I was forced to “friend” a co-worker or risk the consequences at the office. I wouldn’t have minded this if it was say “Brown Dress” who sent the invite but no such luck…it’s a co-worker I don’t really know (or care to know).

I started using Facebook to connect with my existing friends. For the most part, it was a success as I learned more about people I already knew and was able to share a bit more of my life with them. That’s the value of Facebook and it gave me the opportunity to share my life in ways I couldn’t in the past. Now that’s over and I’m pissed!

My Facebook profile used to contain a link to the blog but it’s gone now because of a single person. The co-worker isn’t a bad person (I really don’t know her at all) but I can’t “be myself” any longer because now I have to worry about something getting back to other people in the office. What if I decide to post my current status as “Looking for action” or post a picture of myself with some of the girls I meet (Yes, I actually do meet girls...some I don't even have to pay). It would set a world record in terms of office gossip and would end my so-called career at XYZ Corporation. Who knows…I may get lucky and nothing would happen (reference the infamous incident involving Frat Boy and 'The Captain') but wouldn’t place any bets on that outcome.

I knew it was a matter of time because everyone in my office is on Facebook…even Sr. Management. I’m constantly amazed at how many subordinates invite their manager to be “friends”. Maybe they think it insulates them from ever having to hear bad news because they’re Facebook friends? No such luck as the lay-offs continue whether your FB friends or not! Or maybe it’s because these people are so freaking boring they don’t care if their manager has details of their personal life? My life is NOT boring and my executive would surely cringe if he read about my exploits/opinions/blog.

I’m not ranting…just disappointed that something working so well could be ruined by one person. Now my FB profile is relegated to just being a place to learn more about my friends while I post nothing about myself. Maybe I should wait a few weeks and then “unfriend” the new addition? Doubtful she will ever look at my profile after the initial viewing so she’d never know. The fact I have to think this much about the situation is just sad.

Maybe it’s time to sign off Facebook? Will I miss out on important info like Becker buying an Odyssey minivan this past weekend? Or cool pics of my co-worker who has a beer can in her hand for every single photo? Or the update from the woman who is so far out of my league that I’m surprised she even speaks to me? Probably...but think I'll be OK just the same.