The Return?

Greetings to all 4 of my followers!  It's been a solid year away from the blog and I must say that I've missed it (on occasion).  Maybe it's time to bring it back? 

70 just turned Chuck Norris…

I’m taking my life into my own hands but this is worth the risk. You probably didn’t know this but on March 10th, Chuck Norris officially turned 70 years old. After the federally mandated 7 day waiting period, I can finally wish him Happy Birthday…and then promptly seek witness protection to avoid his roundhouse kick!

“Why are you afraid of Chuck Norris’ round house kick?” you might ask. My reply: “Why aren’t you afraid!?!?!?!” Chuck’s prowess is legendary as chronicled in these 100% true, verified facts:

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out…and gives you a round house kick to the head!

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

I’m not the only person afraid of Chuck Norris...whole companies are afraid of him too! Don’t believe me, try Googling “Google wont search for Chuck Norris”.

Google isn’t afraid of anything…Microsoft, Yahoo or even China. But China is afraid of Chuck Norris! There are plenty of stories about why the great wall was built but here’s the truth:

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

But Chuck forgave China and decided to allow them to make his Chuck Norris Action Jeans.

Never heard of them? They were manufactured back in the 80’s and allowed you to kick the cr*p out of people and still wear jeans so tight people could tell your religion. Your satisfaction was guaranteed. If you weren’t satisfied, call customer service and Chuck Norris would come to your house to deliver round house kicks until you were satisfied with his jeans. Unfortunately, everyone died after the first kick so they had to stop selling them.

China was upset since they had based 25% of their economy on producing these jeans but they didn't say a word.  You know why? 

Cheap goods are the chief export of China but the chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN!

Well, I've got to go since I can't stay in one place too long.  Maybe Chuck won’t come after me for wishing him a Happy 70th Birthday but I’m taking no chances. My bags are packed and I’m heading out tonight. Oh….hold on…there’s a knock at the door. “Hey, OMG, you’re Chuck Nor…”

This little piggy...

I’m a skeptic…always have been. They always make things sound worse than they really are when it’s probably really nothing to worry about. Take this whole H1N1 thing. It’s probably a hoax to get me to buy some useless cold medicine or hand sanitizer and it can’t be as bad as they keep saying in the news.

I’m usually just plain lazy when I don’t update the blog but this time I have a legitimate excuse…I got H1N1 last week. It’s now 9 days later and I’m finally starting to feel a little bit better. Not 100% mind you…just a BIT better. The diagnosis says another few days of misery and then another few weeks of cough. Perfect!

Now having H1N1 hasn’t given me the benefits of the usual prolonged illness (such as days off with no work) since I’ve worked every single day. To make matters worse, I also missed an opportunity to go to Hong Kong for three weeks on assignment. When it rains, it pours.

I’ll update with much better content once I’m back to my old self (probably this weekend). In the meantime, this little piggy goes hack, hack, hack!

I'm Knocking...

What you drive says a lot about you as a person. From the soccer moms driving the urban assault vehicles to the old guys driving high-performance sports cars…everyone has their own style. But what do you do if you’re a guy buying a minivan?

I’ve got nothing against minivans but most guys wouldn’t go near a minivan for love or money unless the wife is pulling the strings. It seems Honda produced a commercial with a bit of subliminal hand gesturing to let guys who buy their minivan know exactly where they stand.




With the hand gesture alone, I’d say the point was to mock people who buy minivans but is it really a commercial trying to entice women to buy a minivan by playing on their sexual frustrations? The audio track paints a very different picture (of course, I couldn’t get a copy of it because who’s going to post a Honda commercial to YouTube?) but you’ll have to settle for a quick text version:

The commercial is for the year end clearance sale and the animated pitch man is named Mr. Opportunity. As the commercial ends, he says, “I’m Mr. O and I’m knocking” and then…the infamous hand gesture!

Who knows their intent but either way it’s fairly obscene (and funny) so have to ask where is Tim Winter of the Parents Television Council to protect us from this indecency? I bet he’s out buying a Honda minivan.

You Twit...

The world was rocked the other day when Twitter was victimized by a denial of service attack. Nations were at the brink of war, people panicked in the streets, lives were lost and, for a short period of time, we all experienced the end of the world. What? You weren’t aware Twitter was offline?

The whole social networking phenomenon is on the way out (you heard it here first) as it’s been played out. We are at the saturation point where it’s no longer a fun distraction but a daily chore to tell the world what you’re doing. I abandoned Facebook a while back and have ZERO regrets…haven’t missed it for one single moment!

The concept of Twitter always made me laugh as I’m keenly aware of how mundane daily life can be so why would anyone waste their life following the mundane of others peoples lives? My theory of “people with no life feel empowered/important by telling the world every detail of their life in hopes of being validated” has been proven true by Christina Chimino who said:

"I was pretty upset, actually. It feels like a lifeline for me ... Pretty much everyone knows almost every detail of my life by what I'm doing on Twitter."

I know nothing about her life but imagine it’s not filled with 24X7 excitement and glamour. I seriously doubt any of her “followers” were damaged by their inability to read that she was awake, having morning coffee, washing clothes, at the grocery, etc. The lingo of Twitter says it all…you’re a “follower”.

Other people seemed to echo how serious the blackout was on their lives by posting statements such as "I did absolutely nothing. It's like my heart was gone," and "I felt so empty inside”. If you sat around doing nothing and felt empty inside, here’s a suggestion: Get out and meet people, take a class, turn off your computer and go for a walk…anything but sitting around paralyzed because you can’t Tweet!

Now, I’m going to turn off my computer, get dressed and head to the trails for a 20+ mile ride complete with conversation with random strangers. I’ll return home, take a shower and clean the house before my dinner guests arrive. Then I’ll…oh, who cares!

Hooray for the B-Holes!

Once in a rare while a company creates a cool, cutting edge commercial and what’s the response of the American people? Ban it!

It seems Hardee’s has once again raised the ire of the NC conservatives with a commercial asking people to decide whether they like The A-Hole over the B-Hole. While it’s probably not the greatest commercial ever, it’s a breath of life in an otherwise bland, generic sea of advertising. When’s the last time you saw a commercial you actually remember?

I’ve long enjoyed the creativity of European commercials and wished I could see something like them on American television. It’s pretty weak that America has one day (Super Bowl Sunday) where we push the limits of the commercial but even this once proud day has been reduced to watered down spots no better than the everyday commercials. Maybe companies would take more chances if it wasn’t for people like this guy:

"The Hardee's marketing team seems intent on pushing the boundaries at every turn whether we're talking about 'iced B-holes' or the company's attempts at turning hamburgers into sex objects," said Parents Television Council president Tim Winter, in a statement. "Each and every local franchisee can and should object and every Hardee's customer has the right to patronize a more responsible fast food restaurant chain."

Responsible fast food chain? What the hell is he talking about? Given the nutritional value of the food they serve, I’d say pretty much anything you’d consume from any fast food place should be considered irresponsible. He's right about one thing...“every Hardee’s customer has the right” so maybe I'll exercise my right to enjoy some “frosty dippas” (although I’ll never buy any "Bisticules"! : )

Mr. Winter (and the other self-righteous protectors of my decency) should lighten up on Hardee’s and focus on more important things like finding real jobs and making meaningful contributions to society. They’d also be well served to remember no one likes the A-Holes!

50 is the new dead

As I get closer to 40, well-meaning people keep trying to tell me things like “40 is the new 30” and “you don’t look a day over 32”. That’s all fine and good if you believe it but I’m not taking the bait. Maybe I should since it seems 50 is becoming the new dead.

We’ve all heard the news about the death of Michael Jackson at age 50 from cardiac arrest (stay tuned for the inevitable revelation about some Hollywood doctor who over-prescribed meds) but breaking news just announced Billy Mayes has passed at age 50.

You know Billy Mayes even if you don’t know his name...he’s the pitch man for Oxyi-Clean and the co-host of the new show “Pitch Men”. The official news story mentions he hit his head during a rough plane landing (which may have contributed to his death) but what I want to know is “Where was the Sham-WOW guy?”

In my earlier post, I asked the all important question concerning Billy Mayes whereabouts while Vince was beating down his pay date but it was all in the name of humor…I’m sure Billy Mayes could care less about Vince. Knowing my blog reaches all corners of the world and has such influence, could Vince have stumbled upon it and taken my comments seriously? Hey Vince…it was a JOKE (much like your career and that jacket you were wearing at the ER).

Rest in peace Billy and Michael...50 is too young to head into sunset.

Photo Caption Contest #1

It's been awhile since the last post and I can blame it all on time off from work (blissful) and the subsequent return (torture). I was contemplating some weighty, insightful topic but decided on something a bit lighter...a photo caption contest!

Here's the photo:

Seems America's favorite airhead is satisfied by something "this big". Her brain? No...way too big. Her ego? No...way too small. The size of Todd's Alaskan 'pipeline'? Not even close. So what could it be?

Post your caption in the comments and I will select a winner! Of course, you get nothing for winning except being recognized as a winner. Here's my first caption to get things started:

"I once looked at the pictures in a book this big!"

Enjoy!

Mirror Mirror on the Ceiling...

One of my readers sent me an email today highlighting a problem that's become all too common in the workplace these days. I know Facebook and Twitter have made it socially acceptable to inundate the masses with the most mundane moments of your life but people are going way too far and it has to stop.

It seems my friend's co-worker (we’ll call him Bucky) was determined to provide a “status update” to the group although they wanted no part of it. Let’s set the stage by saying Bucky is the consummate emasculated male yet he preens like a peacock oblivious to his gelding. Not since Frat Boy have I seen such a blatant case of “people aren’t laughing at me…they are just jealous of my greatness” syndrome. When I meet people like this I crack a subtle smile….let the games begin!

Bucky was regaling all with details of his birthday weekend with his wife and their romantic interlude at a slightly above average business hotel. Of all the choices in lodgings, a business hotel is one step above getting a room at a Residence Inn (hey, that kitchenette might come in handy if you get hungry afterwards) and definitely NOT what you select if romance is on the agenda. The city has plenty of pretty nice places to take a date (or your wife…whoever is free for the night).

During the course of his verbal assault, he broke the unspoken rule…Too Much Information (TMI). No one wants to hear about a co-workers current illness, surgery, sexual conquest, STD, etc. but these people just start heading down the road with a smile on their face. Bucky shared with the group his disappointment the business class room was lacking in reflective surfaces known as mirrors. It seems this put a serious damper on his evening (Any bets the serious damper on the evening for his wife was his presence?). At least one of the many disappointments of the evening could have been avoided if he’d thought ahead and had this handy, little invention!

It promises the ability to “enjoy exciting reflections you’ve never seen before” which, according to the photo, is the ability to see yourself alone on the bed. There are few things I really want to watch myself do and none of them involve using a mirror-like reflective device attached to the ceiling. I’m still trying to figure how it stays on the ceiling since it appears to be hovering in the photo. Maybe I should be learning those ridiculous magic tricks to pick up girls…seems I’ll need the skill to make my mirror-like reflective device hover above the bed.

At $14.95, it’s a “must have”…especially since it comes with its own mail tube for easy transport. Too bad they stopped selling this back in 1977 as it’s a deal at twice the price! If I’d only had the foresight at age 8 to pick a couple of these up then I’d be set.

All hope is not lost as a quick search of the Internet brought the modern day equivalent of the portable mirror-like reflective device. It seems times have changed and ceiling mirrors have gone upscale complete with slick websites trying to make you think having a mirror on your ceiling is actually cool. I especially like the “smoke detector” installation mount (pure genius!) so people don’t know you’re a freak. Wish I’d known before I drilled the holes in my ceiling for the trapeze…is that TMI?

Anyway, I was on-board until I saw the price…$399! Good Lord, for $399 it better guarantee my view isn’t the ability to see myself alone on the bed…I get that for free. TMI?

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

My last post on the ShamWOW! / Slap Chop Guy just seemed incomplete so I did some more digging to see what other skeletons Vince has in his closet….because you know he does! Of course, maybe this was an unfortunate incidence of bad luck since he used all his good luck (and probably some of ours too!) getting rich selling crap to people who've never heard of microfiber or a chef's knife.

Beyond telling us all how much we’ll “love his nuts” and say “Sham-WOW!” every time we use his towel, Vince also has a religious side as he took a course on Personal Values and Integrity through the Church of Scientology back in 1991. Maybe they should have offered a course on “Negotiation/Money Management” as no one pays $1000 for “straight sex” from a street walker….unless you’re planning to do her 10 times! If Vince could pull that off in a single night then “ShamWOW” indeed!

The other obvious question is why would anyone kiss a prostitute on the mouth (or anywhere else)….especially at the END of the evening? Odds are Vince was NOT her first customer of the evening which ups the “EWWW Factor” to a whole new level. Maybe for the $1000 he wanted the “girlfriend” experience? Of course, if he wanted the girlfriend experience then he'd have to buy an expensive dinner and still wouldn't get laid. Who knows but I’m sure his Mother will think twice next time he leans in to kiss her goodbye.

In my original draft for the other post, I included a line about how Vince should’ve used the $1000 for self-defense classes at the YMCA (I took the line out of the original post as it didn’t “fit”) but I must publicly take back my posted comment about him “flailing his girl-y man arms” as he landed some solid shots. I found the following pictures on TMZ and will warn you now they’re not pretty:


Ouch! You have to hit someone incredibly hard (in the center of the nose) to blacken both eyes...and rupture the vessels in the eyes.

Close-up view of the damage. The scabby thing on the side of her mouth looks like it's been there a while so let's ratchet up the EWWW Factor another notch.

Seems when Vince got finished with her face he went for a body shot.

Seriously, this seems very excessive to get her to release his tongue given he could've accomplished that by simply pressing his thumb in the space above her collarbone in the soft tissue of the neck....the mouth will open with only moderate pressure since you can't breath. (If you choose to test this out...please do NOT press with force as you can seriously injure yourself and I can't afford to lose any readers).

The shot to her face was an overhand right and would've been very difficult to land if she was inches from his face...maybe a parting shot once he was free? Besides, striking her in the face while she was biting his tongue would only increase the risk of her biting all the way through. Trust me, no man wants a women (or anyone else) to "bite through" anything attached to his body.

Only these two know what really happened but one thing is for sure...his so-called career is over and her's is just getting started. Is that Larry Flynt calling???

Author's Note: The subject of violence against women is very serious and no part of this entry should be construed as justification (or defense of) inflicting injuries of this severity on anyone regardless of her chosen profession.

You're gonna love my nuts…

In the era before TARP regulations took away all incentive to over-achieve, top performers could win very cool trips at XYZ Corporation as “recognition” for your hard work and achievement. Yours truly won the award last year and I often think about the week in South Beach…especially when things are not going so well. After a very long (and tough) week at the office, my thoughts drifted back to SoBe nightlife so coincidence I found this story?...I think not. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present a cautionary tale involving almost sex, some minor violence and the super absorbent ShamWOW!

What do these three seemingly disparate things have in common? Vince Schlomi! Who? You probably don’t recognize the name but he’s the guy from the ShamWOW! and the Slap Chop commercials. It true the ShamWOW can hold 20 times its weight in liquid and it’s made in Germany but it’s equally true that no matter how hard you try the ShamWOW will not get you laid. If it could, every man in the world would own a ShamWOW….probably two.

Seems Vince struck up a deal with a prostitute for “straight sex” for $1000. No one pays a $1000 for straight sex from a girl they met in a club…you’ve got to want something “special” for that kind of coin (and I doubt it was “bite my tongue”). Let’s see what $1000 will get you from a SoBe professional:


Wait….this picture is from 2005 when she first got busted for prostitution. Notice the gown is on backwards and inside out…nothing like those rookie mistakes on your first bust. Here’s a recent picture:


Time has not been kind as she now looks more like what you’d find 3 blocks over on Washington Ave for about $950 less…including the tongue biting fee! After seeing this photo, I'm definitely not saying ShamWOW...more like ShamWHY would you pay for it? Although, to her credit, she learned from previous prison fashion mistakes and has the gown on correctly this time…practice makes perfect!

Of course, Vince’s arrest photo is a disaster too…seriously, she kicked his a**!


(I especially like the faux fur collared jacket over the hospital gown…player represent!)

While he was getting his a** kicked by a prostitute, I picture him screaming, “ShamOWWWW!” as he flailed his girl-y man arms (Proof positive the Slap Chop does NOT keep your pimp hand strong). What would cause her to do this? Maybe she bought a ShamWOW only to discover the name should have stopped at sham? Maybe she was paid to do it…Where was Billy Mayes when this was happening? The truth may never been known...and we'll never really care.

Of course, this whole debacle could have been much worse if she listened to his Slap Chop tagline…”You’re gonna love my nuts!” Sorry Vince but doubt anyone loves your nuts….unless you pay them.

Everything after 'but'...

I’m proposing a radical shift in the way people deal with other people….especially when delivering bad news or rejection. For whatever reason, people seem to believe if you preface the news with kind words then insert a ‘but’ it makes everything afterwards OK. In response to this misguided belief, I’m proposing that anytime someone uses this technique that we (the recipients) simply state, “Everything after ‘but’…is bullsh*t!”

The insidiousness of the ‘but’ phenomenon is how it’s infiltrated all facets of life. To prove my point, think about the last time someone used ‘but’ and remember how you felt after the statement. I doubt it was very good unless the after statement was “you have to do my hot friend too”. This issue is everywhere and must be stamped out immediately if not sooner.

One place where ‘but’ lives without fear of retribution is the workplace. Think about all the times a co-worker (or other office idiot) has time to help you and has said, “I’d love to help but…” If you’d really love to help then you would! The better statement here would be to say, “I’d love to help you and wish I could. Instead, I want to go back to my desk and waste some time reading blogs”. Although I’d still need help, I’d appreciate the honesty knowing one day I could return the favor when they need my help.

The ‘but’ problem isn’t limited to your co-works as managers seem all too happy to jump on the band wagon. In this age of downsizing/layoffs, managers always want to be seen as sensitive to people’s feelings so they say stupid things like “You’ve done a great job and made many contributions but I have to let you go.” Do they really believe anyone is going to feel better knowing their valuable but now disposable? You could reply in anger but why not turn the tables and say, “You’ve been a great manager and your guidance helped me develop a perfect solution to your most critical issue but since I’m being let go then I’m sure you can figure it out.”

Relationships aren’t immune to the phenomenon either as people are less likely to tell the truth out of fears of hurting the other person. Who hasn’t heard this one, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” What does that even mean? If you don’t love someone anymore just say it and be gone (here’s how to break up in style). Of course, the perfect reply to this type of asinine statement is “I love you too and your sister was right….you really are becoming just like your mother.” I guess it’s true…you only hurt the ones you used to love.

You are now aware of the ‘but’ phenomenon so anytime you hear it, exercise your license to scream at the other person ‘that’s bullsh*t…just get to the point!” For those with culture, manners or a bit of shyness, you can just think this on the inside and smile knowing the person delivering the news is just a clueless tool waiting for their own ‘but’ moment.

Note: I’d like to apologize for the lengthy delay in posting. I’ll make every effort to post more often but life has been hectic so no guarantees. : )

Porn industry struggling to keep sales up…

I’ve long predicted the next industry to march on Washington looking for a handout would be the home builders. Today, I was proven wrong by none other than Larry Flynt as he announced he wants $5B to bailout out the porn industry. It appears the porn industry needs their own dose of financial Viagra to ensure the world isn’t deprived of America’s favorite pastime (What? You thought it was baseball???).

As hard as it is to believe, people aren’t buying porn like they used to when times were good (funny how the need for food, shelter and other things get in the way of having a bit of fun). The sales trackers show that “XXX DVD sales are down 22% from a year ago”. I’ve done a bit of statistical analysis and produced the following graphical representation of what will happen without bailout money:

This chart doesn’t look like any fun at all! Notice how it starts out strong but they just can't keep it up when the dollars disappear. Porn has always been a growth industry and we cannot allow it to fail now…it’s too big to fail! We must press Congress to act now to approve this “stimulus” package or risk having to actually watch baseball, PBS or some other nonsense.

Once the government starts pumping money into the industry, we see how quickly things start moving in the right direction!

Notice how quickly we see reaction to the generous stimulus package. There may be some random periods where growth cannot be sustained but I’m confident the industry can consistently push ahead and penetrate new markets to gain revenue. They’ve been through hard times before and have always shown they can grow the business…almost on demand!

I agree with Larry, “The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly”. Of course, the government shouldn’t just hand out $5B in some “quickie” bailout without any oversight (would they really hand out billions without a plan? : ) These dollars need to be spent wisely or the porn market will just continue to be up and down with people repeatedly coming to Congress asking for more…more…more…money.

To ensure the proper controls are in place, I’m putting my name in the hat to regulate this bailout. Unlike some Washington bureaucrat, I pledge to be “hands-on” at all times and you’ll never catch me laying down on the job (I promise...you’ll never catch me : ) I’ll also closely inspect every project to ensure your money is being put into all the right places at exactly the right moment. This is key as we taxpayers can’t have them pulling out of a project too soon before we see the money. It’s a dirty job but I’m definitely up to the task!

Note: If I’ve offended you with this entry, it proves you’ve never read any of my other entries!

Chairman Mao has spoken...and he's pissed!

I dedicated space yesterday to review Chinese Democracy but it seems the Chinese government didn't get around to reading my post. They issued a statement today denouncing the new album as an "attack" on their country. Wow, I wasn't aware that Axl Rose wielded that kind of power...maybe I shouldn't complain next time he makes me wait 4.5 hours to grace the stage.

To protest this affront, the Chinese government announced they would be suspending safety controls on all toys made for American consumers. Wait, they already did that a while back. OK...they decided to relax safety standards on the food produced and exported to America. Oh, they did that a few months ago too. I know, they've decided to suppress all human rights for any citizen caught listening to Chinese Democracy. Too late, they already do that for EVERYONE. For lack of any real action, they decided to just issue a press release denouncing an album they have never heard that really has nothing to do with them.

In additional GNR news, T-Rex sent the following picture that was one of the album cover choices.

The artwork above is so much better than the final selection but the WSJ reported the artist declined to sell to GNR out of fear on how it would be received in his country. The WSJ tried to follow-up with the artist but was unable as the State indicated he was on "extended sabbatical" and unable to speak any longer...uh, I mean comment.

As much as I try not to reward the RIAA by actually buying a new CD, temptation was too great yesterday and I found myself at Best Buy under the guise of buying a new Blue-Ray player. Somehow, I'm not really sure, when I got outside the CD was in my bag even though I don't remember the purchase. Walk a little faster and don't look back...

I give Chinese Democracy a solid 4.5 out of 5 stars. The half star deduction was for making me wait 17 years!

Chinese Democracy has arrived...

Great expectations…that’s all I can say about the release of Chinese Democracy after 17 years of hype/mystery/drama. You can listen to the ENTIRE album at the link below and make up your own mind:

http://www.myspace.com/gunsnroses

I‘d heard most of the record through various bootleg demos over the past 2 years and it’s NOT the GNR sound of yesteryear so if your looking for an “Appetite” remake then you’ll be disappointed. If you’re looking for the next logical progression from the “Illusion” records you’ll find some similarities but not an extension of those albums. The songs are an eclectic mix and you can tell which songs were written in the different years as the styles change (sometimes abruptly) from song to song. It’s a GNR record in name only so leave your preconceived notions at the door and listen with an open mind…you might be surprised how fast it grows on you. If not, at least you get a Free Dr. Pepper today because Chinese Democracy arrived in 2008!

Note: I normally don’t write about music but this record is different because of a personal connection. A friend (T-Rex) has patiently waited almost 44% of his life to see this day. Think about that for a second…almost half a lifetime! Where were you 17 years ago? T-Rex, I hope it was worth all the wait…and hope we don’t have to wait another 17 years for the next record!