Wanna see her dance?

Someone once told me, "The only people who have a problem with tattoos are people who don’t have one”. I’ve got no problem with them but I do have a problem with BAD tattoos! Be it bad choices in art (anything involving Nintendo, Star Wars or science fiction will ALWAYS be a bad choice) or poor execution in the actual inking (make sure the guy slinging ink isn’t as drunk as you), the consequences are a permanent reminder of a bad decision.

When I was but a small lad growing up in (town name withheld), I saw my first tattoo up close and personal and the experience changed my life. My friend Frank’s grandfather had been all over the world with the Navy…back when being in the Navy was more like being a pirate than a regular job. He was hardcore (he got his ear pierced the first time he crossed the equator and wore a gold hoop….this was YEARS before men wore earrings!) and looked like he’d kick your a** if you stared at him too long. On one of his voyages to somewhere in the South Pacific, he’d gotten a tattoo of a topless hula girl on his forearm but the ink had blurred over the years so you really had to look close to see anything outside of an outline. I was 12 years old and it was a topless girl so I looked….really close! One day he noticed my interest in the ink and we had the following conversation:

Him: “You like my hula girl?”
Esc: “Ahhh….I guess”
Him: “Wanna see her dance?”
Esc: “Uh….OK”

At that moment, he proceeded to shake his arm and the loose skin swayed back and forth so it appeared she was dancing. I was overcome by a wave of absolute revulsion and my psyche was scarred forever. To this day, I can still see her “dance”. It was at that point I decided to never get a tattoo…and I still don’t have any!

You may be thinking that bad tattoos only happen to aged sailors or people who can’t afford to get good ink. Not so…even celebrities get BAD tattoos! Some of these are just plain awful choices in body art and it makes me question what they were thinking when they sat in the chair and said, “Ink it…” If I had the cash of any of these people, my next action after seeing myself in this gallery would be to call a qualified professional skilled in tattoo removal. Of course, it’s expensive to have a tattoo removed and quite painful so two more reason yours truly is still on the sideline.

Of course, there is alternative in the works for those of us with commitment issues…it’s an ink that dissolves! How cool is this concept…you get your art without the commitment. Now you can get the name of your special someone (OK…special right now) inked onto your body with no concern for permanence. In the past, tattooing someone’s name was the surest and quickest way to see a relationship end! You were stuck with their name on your body so you had to explain it to the next girl (and no women wants to look up at you during the “O” moment and see your ex’s name) or only date women with the same name as your ex. The latter would seriously limit choices if you don’t take the necessary precautions.

Some years ago, I saw a guy who had the names of three women tattooed on his arm and it seemed to work for him. The names were Tiffany, Crystal and Amber…all popular stripper stage names! He looked like the kind of guy who’d frequent a very low class of strip joints so he probably had no issues convincing the current Tiffany he’d tattooed her name on his arm just to meet her. It’s a move of pure genius…if you like to date strippers.

On top of my commitment issues (tattoos only : ), I’m also not down with the whole needle thing…I’ve seen my fair share of needles so not voluntarily offering up any part of my body for a tattoo. For those of us with all these issues who still want a tattoo, I give you the no commit tattoo! Now you can have it all and still wear short sleeves to the company picnic. So, next time you see Esc and I’ve got the coolest Japanese Koi sleeve you’ve ever seen, don’t think I’ve moved to new level of cool…know that I’m still the same old Esc you’ve always made fun of at every opportunity. John Mayer scored Jennifer Aniston with his cool Koi sleeve but is that really an accomplishment? She slept with the dude from the Chili Peppers so not thinking a cool tat (or quality dentistry) is really high on her list of criteria.

I’ve got no issue with other people getting good tattoos (Greg’s work is first class…but I was a bit disturbed by the amount of butt cheek work on guys) but it’s just not for me. I’m so random…could never settle on anything. I do appreciate the art form and kudos to my friends who have ink (Scott, Johnnie G and GP)…no commitment issues with these guys!

I also think tattoos on girls can be cool if done tastefully and discrete. I’ve never dated a woman with ink but would be open to the experience…as long as it not on her forehead (especially if the word “Crazy” is tattooed there)! Of course, if “Crazy” was tattooed on her forehead then I’d know a lot sooner than usual! : )