Heroes aren’t hard to find…but who's looking?

Who hasn’t dreamed of being a superhero with some really cool power out saving the day from evildoers? It was a recurring dream of mine but then, unfortunately, I turned six. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across an article discussing the gaining popularity of becoming a true-to-life superhero (they prefer to be called “Reals”) and the existence of the World Superhero Registry.

The registry gives the superhero a chance to trade stories and tactics with other supers (and it sounds like they could use some help!). Here are a couple of the questions posted (with my responses):

Q: “Should I wear a mask?”
A: YES…if you have any self-respect…wear two!

Q: “How do I identify a street gang?”
A: They’ll be the ones kicking your *ss when you jump out and disrupt their business. OK….half will be kicking your *ss and the rest will be laughing.

Q: “Can you get bulletproof vests on eBay?”
A: I’m sure you can but I’d advise against buying the slightly used model.

In my quest to learn more about the subject, I found an article in Rolling Stone called "The Legend of Master Legend" which should be a must read for anyone contemplating the life of a Real as it dishes the good, bad and the truly stupid aspects of being a modern day superhero. This stuff is classic and I couldn’t stop laughing when Master Legend would describe his exploits using phrases like “all-night tour of Fist City!" or “the receiving end of the No Mercy Punch!". I wonder if the No Mercy Punch is followed by a KAA-POW!?

The article inspired me to get off the sidelines and become a crime fighting, defender of truth and justice…but I needed a name! A couple came to mind but who’d be afraid of Dark Justice or Knight of Pain? It was time for some serious help so had to hit the one website that generates names with real street cred! Here are the best selections:

Master Pimp E. Loco
Tricktickler E. Rockefeller
Master Pimp ESC
Treacherous E. Silk

What evildoer wouldn’t cower in fear at the mention of Treacherous E. Silk? I’ll be on the street handing out b*tchslaps to crooks, criminals and phonies while playing it smooth with the ladies. Hey, superhero business is hard work so nothing wrong with getting down with a few ladies between thrashing the bad guys. Don’t forget…I start out treacherous but end up silk!

Now that I’ve got a name, I need a costume and not one of those silly wrestler masks so went right to The Source for the perfect outfit (FYI…make sure your volume is UP when you go to the site : ) Lot’s of selections but think Treacherous E. Silk should greet the world in this timeless classic that demands respect. Your costume should make a statement so choose carefully…or you might end up like this unfortunate picture of Rick James (see below). Of course, Rick was so d*mn cool he pulled it off!!! Much respect…

I’ve got the name and threads but something is still missing…protection. No, not that kind of protection…I’m talking Magic 8-Ball dispenser of justice. Magic 8 Ball says “Not likely” if you think you’re going to avoid the business end of this stick. Of course, street life is dangerous so grabbing The Dice too. Evildoers roll craps and Treacherous E. Silk will be there to bring his pimp hand strong.

Only in America can mostly normal people dress in costume and patrol the streets. Their intentions are good and who couldn’t use a little more hope in these trying times? Maybe Green Scorpion was on to something when he said, “Everyone has the opportunity to awaken and become who they always wanted to be. Some people just hit the snooze button and go back to sleep.” Indeed...