At least my resume isn’t fake…

It seems the whole world is obsessed with how they look regardless of whether you live in a big city or the middle of nowhere. I’ve come to expect a certain level of shallowness and vanity in people (especially in the girls I date) but something is definitely wrong when career “experts” start trying to sell job seekers on the idea that looks beat experience in a competitive market.

I had to laugh when one of the surgeons in the article mentions “employers naturally tend to go to a person who looks fresher and younger, despite who is better qualified” and how cosmetic surgery “has become a necessity for some”. That’s probably true if you sell copiers, long-distance or your gig involves a stripper pole but the majority of jobs require a bit more skill and experience.

Let’s put the surgeon’s theory to the test:

You’ve been told you need life-saving surgery and must choose between two surgeons….one is ultra-hot but has no experience and the other is plain but very experienced. Who are you going to choose?

I’d choose “experience” for the surgery but would get the hot girl’s digits for later. OK...I'd probably try to get both their numbers.

I’m constantly dismayed by the lack of ethics from plastic surgeons as they try to sell how changing your physical appearance will make you a better person, give you more confidence, self-esteem, etc. Given they profit from the transaction, their motives are crystal clear (although I find it funny that 15 years ago they used to disclaim that surgery would NOT increase your self-esteem or make you feel better about yourself…welcome to the power of the dollar!).

The fact doctors now endorse cosmetic procedures is disturbing to me because it lends some credibility to the whole affair. It’s not like receiving those anonymous spam emails for penis enlargement which don’t work...well, we know they don't work now. I used to hate opening my inbox as it was always full of those emails...finally had to tell my girlfriend to stop forwarding them to me!

The article also mentions spending money for surgery can help increase your salary so let’s look at a real-life example. A friend was working for Company A making $75K (before bonus) a year. She opted to get breast enlargement for $4K and subsequently took a position at another company for $32K (no bonus). I’m no math genius but looks like a 50% pay cut after spending $4K for the surgery! The only person who could sell that kind of math as a “gain” is my broker and I plan to discuss his math skills if he'll ever return my calls.

I’ll never have cosmetic surgery just to get a job for two reasons. First, I really don't care that much about my career to actually suffer for it...I'm a professional nerd not an artist! Second, I'm hands down the best looking of my peer group which is both interesting and terribly frightening (remember, I'm a professional nerd).

I'm quite happy with the way I look and see no reason to mess up a good thing. Besides, long before I became the skilled professional of current day, I had a lucrative gig as a “before” model and that's one profession that will always be looking for average, normal guys like me!

Witness Protection Program

It happened again…now I’m sure something serious has been going on and I just didn’t notice. I’m usually very observant but all the seemingly random events can’t be a coincidence since the outcome is always the same. How could I have missed all the signs?

The whole issue started a few years ago when my last relationship ended and I started dating again. Things were a bit slow but I always seemed to meet women and managed a date or two. None of them worked out and I never really thought about it until recently….when it happened again!

If you’re a frequent reader then you know I recently met a very nice girl (we’ll call her Delilah) and embarked on yet another foray into the world of dating. Everything seemed to be going well as we shared some laughs and dinner but then it happened…she disappeared!

Was she abducted by aliens? Did she volunteer to be the “audience participant” in a magic show gone wrong? Oh no….maybe it was a serious accident resulting in 10 broken fingers so she couldn’t call back? I like to think she was forced to join the witness protection program…knowing she’d love to call me to say good-bye but can’t for her own safety.

When it first happened years ago I thought it was just a case of these girls being flakes but this pattern tells me it’s something much more sinister. I know I attract a certain type of woman (i.e. crazy, rude, self-centered, manic, narcissistic, vain, shallow, etc.) but Delilah wasn’t anything like that so knew something else must be happening when she failed to return the call…she’d never just disappear unless she was forced because she’d never be ”that girl”.

This new knowledge is already taking a toll on my dating prospects as I passed a beautiful woman at the Harris-Teeter this afternoon but didn’t dare return the smile. How could I live with myself if yet another woman had to turn her life upside down simply because she chose to go out to dinner with me? It’s just too much to bear knowing the danger associated with being my date for the evening.

Maybe I’m wrong about the whole witness protection thing but what other reason could there be? Just like getting someone’s name tattooed on your body, this is a very limiting move for me as I can now only pursue girls that I want to disappear from my life. Thankfully, I have an entire list to choose from…

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

My last post on the ShamWOW! / Slap Chop Guy just seemed incomplete so I did some more digging to see what other skeletons Vince has in his closet….because you know he does! Of course, maybe this was an unfortunate incidence of bad luck since he used all his good luck (and probably some of ours too!) getting rich selling crap to people who've never heard of microfiber or a chef's knife.

Beyond telling us all how much we’ll “love his nuts” and say “Sham-WOW!” every time we use his towel, Vince also has a religious side as he took a course on Personal Values and Integrity through the Church of Scientology back in 1991. Maybe they should have offered a course on “Negotiation/Money Management” as no one pays $1000 for “straight sex” from a street walker….unless you’re planning to do her 10 times! If Vince could pull that off in a single night then “ShamWOW” indeed!

The other obvious question is why would anyone kiss a prostitute on the mouth (or anywhere else)….especially at the END of the evening? Odds are Vince was NOT her first customer of the evening which ups the “EWWW Factor” to a whole new level. Maybe for the $1000 he wanted the “girlfriend” experience? Of course, if he wanted the girlfriend experience then he'd have to buy an expensive dinner and still wouldn't get laid. Who knows but I’m sure his Mother will think twice next time he leans in to kiss her goodbye.

In my original draft for the other post, I included a line about how Vince should’ve used the $1000 for self-defense classes at the YMCA (I took the line out of the original post as it didn’t “fit”) but I must publicly take back my posted comment about him “flailing his girl-y man arms” as he landed some solid shots. I found the following pictures on TMZ and will warn you now they’re not pretty:


Ouch! You have to hit someone incredibly hard (in the center of the nose) to blacken both eyes...and rupture the vessels in the eyes.

Close-up view of the damage. The scabby thing on the side of her mouth looks like it's been there a while so let's ratchet up the EWWW Factor another notch.

Seems when Vince got finished with her face he went for a body shot.

Seriously, this seems very excessive to get her to release his tongue given he could've accomplished that by simply pressing his thumb in the space above her collarbone in the soft tissue of the neck....the mouth will open with only moderate pressure since you can't breath. (If you choose to test this out...please do NOT press with force as you can seriously injure yourself and I can't afford to lose any readers).

The shot to her face was an overhand right and would've been very difficult to land if she was inches from his face...maybe a parting shot once he was free? Besides, striking her in the face while she was biting his tongue would only increase the risk of her biting all the way through. Trust me, no man wants a women (or anyone else) to "bite through" anything attached to his body.

Only these two know what really happened but one thing is for sure...his so-called career is over and her's is just getting started. Is that Larry Flynt calling???

Author's Note: The subject of violence against women is very serious and no part of this entry should be construed as justification (or defense of) inflicting injuries of this severity on anyone regardless of her chosen profession.

You're gonna love my nuts…

In the era before TARP regulations took away all incentive to over-achieve, top performers could win very cool trips at XYZ Corporation as “recognition” for your hard work and achievement. Yours truly won the award last year and I often think about the week in South Beach…especially when things are not going so well. After a very long (and tough) week at the office, my thoughts drifted back to SoBe nightlife so coincidence I found this story?...I think not. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present a cautionary tale involving almost sex, some minor violence and the super absorbent ShamWOW!

What do these three seemingly disparate things have in common? Vince Schlomi! Who? You probably don’t recognize the name but he’s the guy from the ShamWOW! and the Slap Chop commercials. It true the ShamWOW can hold 20 times its weight in liquid and it’s made in Germany but it’s equally true that no matter how hard you try the ShamWOW will not get you laid. If it could, every man in the world would own a ShamWOW….probably two.

Seems Vince struck up a deal with a prostitute for “straight sex” for $1000. No one pays a $1000 for straight sex from a girl they met in a club…you’ve got to want something “special” for that kind of coin (and I doubt it was “bite my tongue”). Let’s see what $1000 will get you from a SoBe professional:


Wait….this picture is from 2005 when she first got busted for prostitution. Notice the gown is on backwards and inside out…nothing like those rookie mistakes on your first bust. Here’s a recent picture:


Time has not been kind as she now looks more like what you’d find 3 blocks over on Washington Ave for about $950 less…including the tongue biting fee! After seeing this photo, I'm definitely not saying ShamWOW...more like ShamWHY would you pay for it? Although, to her credit, she learned from previous prison fashion mistakes and has the gown on correctly this time…practice makes perfect!

Of course, Vince’s arrest photo is a disaster too…seriously, she kicked his a**!


(I especially like the faux fur collared jacket over the hospital gown…player represent!)

While he was getting his a** kicked by a prostitute, I picture him screaming, “ShamOWWWW!” as he flailed his girl-y man arms (Proof positive the Slap Chop does NOT keep your pimp hand strong). What would cause her to do this? Maybe she bought a ShamWOW only to discover the name should have stopped at sham? Maybe she was paid to do it…Where was Billy Mayes when this was happening? The truth may never been known...and we'll never really care.

Of course, this whole debacle could have been much worse if she listened to his Slap Chop tagline…”You’re gonna love my nuts!” Sorry Vince but doubt anyone loves your nuts….unless you pay them.

Pro-V Superstar...

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you’re walking through a TV commercial? It’s like when I was walking down Madison Avenue and ran into the Burger King…big plastic head and all! I had one of those moments the other night when I met the Pro-V Superstar…we’ll call him Sampson.

It was a cloudy Thursday evening when Sampson walked in with a small group of people. He was part of the group but separate at the same time…somehow different, better than the rest. It was his shoulder length, shiny, black hair. Dress codes be damned…he wasn’t afraid to show the Man his contempt for the well-groomed in the workplace.

I didn’t pay much attention to him at first but that soon changed as the group started scoping out seats right across from me. Normally, I don’t care but tonight was different as I couldn’t afford to be distracted…No, tonight I needed space and I definitely didn’t need to see Sampson sitting right across from me with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair.

My date for the evening (We’ll call her Delilah) sensed the impending doom of having this band of miscreant, bed-wetting, momma’s boys sitting near us and quickly moved a bag to make space for them at the other end of the bar. Crisis averted but here’s where things get interesting!

Out of the blue, Sampson proceeds to flip his hair like a supermodel (a FEMALE supermodel)! I could only think of the old Pantene commercials from the 90’s where she throws her hair back while running her hands down the length. He mirrored her motion but couldn’t stop at once, not twice, not even three times but an amazing five times! If this act of self-love had gone on any longer it would have required a parental advisory sticker.

On the fifth flip, he was ready to take on the world with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair securely behind his ears…just like when he walked in! He was on the prowl but, unfortunately for him, the place was virtually empty. Maybe his goal was to impress Delilah? Somehow, I don’t think it worked.

Let’s fast forward to the end of the evening as I met Sampson (alone) outside smoking a cigarette in the rain. I passed by on my way back into the night but not without saying, “Love the hair…I absolutely love the hair”. Was this beginning of a man crush much like EP’s “mush” for the Barilla guy? Probably not but given how hard he’d tried to impress everyone with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair he deserved a moment of recognition (validation?).

I couldn’t help but think about how he’d have been famous in the 90’s had he known kung-fu or maybe lived in Seattle and started a band. No man needs real talent when he has shoulder length, shiny, black hair. Maybe he would have gotten his own Pantene commercial? Maybe he could have gone over to L’Oreal? Sounds reasonable because we all know he’s worth it!

Cool as Ice...

Just when you think it’s gone for good, you start to see them everywhere. Hiding out in the shadows or right out front in a crowd of people…it’s there. I’m talking about the unfortunate hair style choice known as the mullet. It’s back and scarier than ever.

I’ve been horrified (and humored) by the mullet for years. How something so absurd could be so loved by people even when it invites ridicule is beyond comprehension. Maybe it’s the “business up front…party out back” attitude or maybe it’s a signal (like a secret handshake) most normal people aren’t aware of yet. No matter the answer, I was almost convinced it had reached the point of extinction…until Friday night.

GP and I went down to NoDa for the gallery crawl to check out some art and maybe a band or two. The night was going well until we decided to stop at this bar to see the band setting up. The band was noting special (I seriously expected the keyboardist/singer to break into Styx’s Renegade at any moment…and it would have been an improvement!) but then HE hit the stage. Sporting a vintage AC/DC shirt (along with 40 extra pounds) and a second hand bass, he brought the classic skullet out for our entertainment. His love of the skullet told me he's a true believer in following your own way…even if it means walking around in circles for hours on end.

As entertaining as the skullet was on Friday night, I figured it was a one off good for a laugh (and believe me….GP and I laughed!). To my horror, I opened the e-version of my local paper to be greeted with the newest mullet type…the Urban Mullet!


This young man (Donnie Wayne Champagne…say it S-L-O-W-L-Y) is on the cutting edge of hair style by bringing us a totally new, never before seen version of the mullet. One commenter on the board summed it up by saying “Michael Jordan up front with Bob Marley out back”. Another asked if it was a dreadlock wig sliding off his head. Of all the posts, everyone mentioned the hair while very few discussed the fact he had a loaded gun at school. Guess cool hair trumps a felony any day of the week.

To compliment his progressive hair style, he also added the extra touch of partially shaving off his eyebrows. The article mentioned it’s a “gang sign” but I think the origin is much less threatening.


Yes, I brought out the original, partially shaved eyebrow guy…Vanilla Ice! While he didn’t sport a mullet he probably should have since it couldn't be any worse than the cut above. He’s currently sporting tattooed letters on each finger that spell out “Wide Open”. My choice for him would have been “Real Dumb”. Of course, maybe I’m a bit jealous as he NEVER has to work again while I’ll being getting up bright and early tomorrow for…work. Maybe I should be the one getting the “Real Dumb” tattoo?

Catch of the Day....Part II

Well, The Fish is proving to be a disappointment in terms of meeting women but a great place to find material for the blog. I’m constantly amazed at what people will write about themselves (and the accompanying photos) knowing it will all be available to anyone who surfs the site. These people aren’t afraid to put it out there…even if they really don’t know they are putting it out there.

This Example is direct and to point (whatever the point is?) by stating up front all the things she hates. From Christians to country music to people who don’t use colloquialisms and expletives in their speech. Colloquialisms? That’s a big word…like gymnasium. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete if she didn’t detail her own “hang-ups”. Seems she really hates old men (unless they look young) so doubt she’s going to be the newest member of Together Christian even though our guy is “Certified” and probably not only knows what a colloquialism is but actually uses them on a daily basis (like every other speaking human being).

As an added bonus, she is using the Fish as a means to secure work as a voiceover artist with an enticing resume of being able to do about “30 cartoon snippets”. I don’t know of too many shows that need a Christian hating, 80’s New Wave listening, expletive dropping cartoon character but, then again, Fox hasn't revealed their new Sunday night lineup yet.

This one is a classic example of how the background can outshine the subject of the photo. Example 2 took the question “Do you have a car?” to heart and made sure it was included in the picture in case anyone chose to doubt her honesty. Nothing says “Southern pride” more than a late 90’s Camaro parked under a tree on a summer day. The profile is great too and I applaud her for calling out that she loves beaching. Seems all the women I meet love beaching too…beaching about their ex, beaching about their friends, beaching about their lives, etc.

I’ve saved the best for last as this one has so much happening I’m not sure I can cover all the bases. Normally, most women hide "Crazy" but not this one….she embraces the moment and just bombards all with one red flag after another. Profession is listed as psychotic poet and her interests are as diverse as magic to the paranormal to MMA to qigong with too many more to mention. In a special nod to my friends in the Pacific Northwest, the link for qigong goes back to a bunch of profiles…all in Washington state! I swear it was a great place when I was there and it rained like 2 day a week…tops! : )

I’m losing faith in the Fish but keep casting a line in the hope of finding the catch of the day.