Photo Caption Contest #1

It's been awhile since the last post and I can blame it all on time off from work (blissful) and the subsequent return (torture). I was contemplating some weighty, insightful topic but decided on something a bit lighter...a photo caption contest!

Here's the photo:

Seems America's favorite airhead is satisfied by something "this big". Her brain? No...way too big. Her ego? No...way too small. The size of Todd's Alaskan 'pipeline'? Not even close. So what could it be?

Post your caption in the comments and I will select a winner! Of course, you get nothing for winning except being recognized as a winner. Here's my first caption to get things started:

"I once looked at the pictures in a book this big!"

Enjoy!

Mirror Mirror on the Ceiling...

One of my readers sent me an email today highlighting a problem that's become all too common in the workplace these days. I know Facebook and Twitter have made it socially acceptable to inundate the masses with the most mundane moments of your life but people are going way too far and it has to stop.

It seems my friend's co-worker (we’ll call him Bucky) was determined to provide a “status update” to the group although they wanted no part of it. Let’s set the stage by saying Bucky is the consummate emasculated male yet he preens like a peacock oblivious to his gelding. Not since Frat Boy have I seen such a blatant case of “people aren’t laughing at me…they are just jealous of my greatness” syndrome. When I meet people like this I crack a subtle smile….let the games begin!

Bucky was regaling all with details of his birthday weekend with his wife and their romantic interlude at a slightly above average business hotel. Of all the choices in lodgings, a business hotel is one step above getting a room at a Residence Inn (hey, that kitchenette might come in handy if you get hungry afterwards) and definitely NOT what you select if romance is on the agenda. The city has plenty of pretty nice places to take a date (or your wife…whoever is free for the night).

During the course of his verbal assault, he broke the unspoken rule…Too Much Information (TMI). No one wants to hear about a co-workers current illness, surgery, sexual conquest, STD, etc. but these people just start heading down the road with a smile on their face. Bucky shared with the group his disappointment the business class room was lacking in reflective surfaces known as mirrors. It seems this put a serious damper on his evening (Any bets the serious damper on the evening for his wife was his presence?). At least one of the many disappointments of the evening could have been avoided if he’d thought ahead and had this handy, little invention!

It promises the ability to “enjoy exciting reflections you’ve never seen before” which, according to the photo, is the ability to see yourself alone on the bed. There are few things I really want to watch myself do and none of them involve using a mirror-like reflective device attached to the ceiling. I’m still trying to figure how it stays on the ceiling since it appears to be hovering in the photo. Maybe I should be learning those ridiculous magic tricks to pick up girls…seems I’ll need the skill to make my mirror-like reflective device hover above the bed.

At $14.95, it’s a “must have”…especially since it comes with its own mail tube for easy transport. Too bad they stopped selling this back in 1977 as it’s a deal at twice the price! If I’d only had the foresight at age 8 to pick a couple of these up then I’d be set.

All hope is not lost as a quick search of the Internet brought the modern day equivalent of the portable mirror-like reflective device. It seems times have changed and ceiling mirrors have gone upscale complete with slick websites trying to make you think having a mirror on your ceiling is actually cool. I especially like the “smoke detector” installation mount (pure genius!) so people don’t know you’re a freak. Wish I’d known before I drilled the holes in my ceiling for the trapeze…is that TMI?

Anyway, I was on-board until I saw the price…$399! Good Lord, for $399 it better guarantee my view isn’t the ability to see myself alone on the bed…I get that for free. TMI?

And then there was one…

(Sorry for the delay in posting but had to deal with some of life’s little complications. Since none of them involve anything close to the words “won the lottery” or “you have to do my hot friend too” I’m not going to bother explaining)

Friendship…The ability to share a common interest(s) with others and the sense of connection make us all feel a bit better about our own existence and like we’re not alone in the world. I’ve always had issues with making new friends partly because I’m a bit distrusting but mainly because most people don’t value friendship the way I do…it’s become a disposable commodity of convenience for most.

When I first meet someone, I know immediately if he/she will get added to the list as a “friend”. Maybe I’m just a good judge of character or have a knack for seeing the true essence of people but I doubt it…most probable answer is the unexplainable forces of attraction in the universe that allow “like to find like”. No matter the reason; it’s an almost insurmountable task to be chosen but the select few make the grade (even though I doubt any of them really know how rare it is to be added to my list of friends).

Most of my friends have been gained through contract at the office since I used to spend a great deal of time working from the lowest floors of the highest towers of the XYZ Corporation. The work wasn’t the greatest but the people were and it made for moments of humor and levity during the often stressful times of my existence. My friends were the people who pulled me away from the less important work tasks and on to the things in life that really mattered such as an extended lunch with great conversation. The prospect of having lunch with the crew was often the sole reason for my appearance at the office on many occasions…OK, virtually every occasion!

The crew was always ready for a good time but like all good things, it couldn’t last…EP and The Dietz moved to Seattle, KB-H moved to the UK and The Commish was dealt an undeserved hand by lesser men. In the end, it was down to me and GP to uphold the lunch tradition but change was lurking in the shadows. GP made it official with an upcoming move to DC…and then there was one.

I’m incredibly happy for all my friends that life has given them new adventures (even though it means I now have to go and audition new people down on GWC 3 for lunch buddies….maybe Ali will have pity and let me hang with them?) and I’m still friends with each and every one of them. Time and distance doesn’t change friendship as inclusion on the list means inclusion for life…for better or worse.

To all my friends, I raise my glass and say “Cheers” until we all meet again.

I’m NOT sorry…

I’d planned to write some tame entry about graphology (Click here if you want to read the article) but after witnessing an unforgivable transgression against all manhood my mind was made up…it’s time to talk about the “Sorry for everything” syndrome which seems to be striking spineless men everywhere.

You’ve seen it before when some chump is apologizing to his girlfriend/wife for every single thing he does/says/doesn’t do/etc. even though he’s done nothing wrong…much less anything worthy of an apology. Every time I just want to walk up to this chump and say “Do you at least get to visit your manhood?” There’s no excuse for this behavior and no real man would tolerate it for even a second…especially from his significant other!

I’m not saying you should never apologize as some things merit a true and sincere apology such as telling your significant other her dress does make her look fat, spending your anniversary gift money at the strip club, etc. We (men), however, do NOT need to be apologizing for saying we don’t want to go shopping or looking at other women….it’s not natural and quite frankly, a crime against the rest of us who are true men.

We (my generation) are a generation raised by women which filled our minds with all the irrational bullsh*t and sensitivity nonsense but it had other, unintended side effects such guilt over meaningless things, a need to always be validated by word and action…in other words, it was an attempt to make us women. In the golden age, men acted like men and we didn’t apologize for acting as such. The time has come for all men to recapture this sense of self and end the “Sorry for everything” syndrome once and for all.

In today’s example, I was out at a local shopping plaza running a few errands when I spot the couple. A normal, average couple but I could tell he was broken from a mile away (guys know this look…the look of a man who just sleep walks through the days because he thinks he can’t do better and this is all life has to offer). He committed the unspeakable crime of not getting a cart for her purchases so he was dressed down (in front of other self-respecting men) for this transgression. His response? “I’m sorry….I’ll go get a cart”. WTF…are those your fake testicles hanging from the trailer hitch?????

The people in earshot just looked on while the other whipped men just starred at the ground in silent appreciation it wasn’t them…this time. I stared him dead in the eyes with a look of disdain reserved only for the lowest of the low. How could he let her do this without a word of protest? Was it to avoid creating a scene? Maybe it was fear of being “cut off”?

If he’s afraid she’ll revoke his access to the golden triangle then I’ve got some really bad news for him…she’d sleep with someone else in a second if he exhibited the traits of a real man! She’s with him because he’s been broken (i.e. he’s not going anywhere so he’s “safe” and available when SHE wants him) but she’d cheat in a second with a man who took control and, quite frankly, acted like a man! The chump gets exactly what he deserves for not taking control of the situation and re-introducing her to the man he should (and probably used to) be.

Being a man means something different to everyone but to me it means taking care of the people you love, being able to fix/build anything, standing up for what matters (even if it means getting your ass kicked), doing the right thing even if it’s not popular and most importantly, being true to yourself at all times. I’ve always adhered to these principles and maybe I’m a dinosaur, but I believe men need to be strong and take charge. This whole belief that men need to be compliant to their women is nonsense and something for the metrosexual man…which offends me to the see the word “man” even close to the word metrosexual.

To apologize for living by the man code is absurd and I, for one, will never apologize for anything as meaningless as not getting a cart…I’ll save my apologies for something worthy of an apology. You might condemn this entry as sexist, chauvinist, etc. and to that I say “I’m a man and damn proud of it!”….and NO, I’m not sorry!

You can’t hurry love…no, you’ve just got to wait and wait and wait

There’s an old adage that love finds you when you least expect it. Maybe that’s true but I’m getting pretty damn tired of waiting around for it to catch up with me! Part of it’s my fault but some of it’s beyond my control…or is it?

I’m a risk taker in all aspects of life so not afraid to take a chance to find the right person. Only a man determined to find love would chart his course based on the prison pen pal program (which would have worked except they kept raising the cost of stamps!) and then Russian mail order brides to ultimately end up at The Fish. These are not the actions of a shrinking violet but a man taking charge of his destiny!

The sound of ticking clocks made Neenah Pickett decide to set a deadline to find a husband…52 weeks. There just seems to be something wrong with the idea of placing a time limit on finding “the one”. Finding love is hard enough so does anyone really need the added pressure of a self-imposed deadline? I say no but understand her sense of urgency…I also hear the ticking of the clock as I careen headlong towards 40 (T-minus 106 days and counting) and the magic moment when my odds of ever marrying are reduced to less than 10%.

I’d also be afraid to pick the wrong person simply to meet the deadline because I hate to fail at anything (which is humorous because I’ve failed at almost everything at least once…usually twice). If I did pick the wrong person then maybe the next experiment could be called “Losing love in 52 weeks” or maybe “Losing half of all my stuff in 52 weeks”. Even if I failed, it would mean I succeeded if only for a short time…much better than my recent dating adventures .

I’m not down on dating as I’m in a very good place and happy with my life as it exists now. Would I like more? Sure…who wouldn’t but I’m not going to turn into a pumpkin if the clock strikes 12 at the end of the 52nd week and I’m still checking the single box.

The Hundredaires Club…

Only idiots believe reality TV isn’t staged…yet people continue to watch all these stupid shows. I’m the last to call myself a "television intellectual" (oxymoron?) but I’ve got no interest in who can survive on an island full of people in a staged setting. You want an interesting version of Survivor, put a handful of criminals on the island (full of hidden cameras to record the action) and tell them the last man standing gets a full pardon…you’ll get reality!

I have an idea for a show but who really wants to watch me travel all over the world striking out with women from all nationalities? EVERYONE! The world loves a loser (especially a lovable one) because he embodies all of our own insecurities and fear that we hide so deep inside. The only thing that could ruin my idea is actually finding Ms. Right for Me….because then the show would be over. Who wants to watch a happy couple?

Since my show is probably not going anywhere, I checked out another dating/relationship show…The Millionaire Matchmaker. What a completely ridiculous show as it’s basically rich, shallow guys’ looking for young, supermodel girls (hereafter called gold diggers”) paying the host to make connections in hopes of finding true love. Call me jaded and cynical but what kind of love can you get from a woman who basically says “the only thing I care about is the size of your bank account”? Probably pretty hot, dirty, kinky love…the kind that makes you ashamed to look in the mirror afterwards but counting the minutes until you can do it again. It’s true…if you’re not ashamed then you’re not doing it right!

Intrigued by the sheer awfulness of the show, I checked out the website and wasn’t disappointed. For the ladies, the membership is FREE but they reserve the right to turn you down if you don’t meet their standards. What exactly are their standards? Try this photo of actual members (says so in the fine print!) and see if you measure up?

If you’re not quite up to standards, never fear as they offer all sorts of help…

In addition to offering a complimentary membership to women, the Millionaires Club works closely with a leading psychologist, relationship counselor, date coach, hypnotherapist, and image consultant, as well as with a variety of top-notch personal trainers, plastic surgeons, dentists, and hairstylists.

Nothing like having a staff of plastic surgeons, dentists, image consultants, etc. on stand-by to ensure that no part of the real you ever emerges and ruins things. Call me out-of-touch or old-fashioned but whatever happened to falling in love with someone else because you liked them just the way they are…imperfections and all?

Imperfections are not the specialty of the Millionaires Club and they have a 742 word disclaimer on the site letting you know they guarantee nothing except that you will pay them for their service. Of course, most millionaires can find women on their own (gold diggers know where to dig!) but what if you’re a few dollars short and want to meet rich, shallow women?

If you are a non-millionaire man and would like to register to date a millionairess, please contact MC (via e-mail only)

You’re going to have to work for the meal ticket as there’s more fine print…

In order to be considered for a non-millionaire membership you must have the application filled out entirely with a signature and also have professional photos taken by a professional photographer in a studio format. Please note: An MC representative will only contact you once we have a suitable match for you and filling out a registration form does not guarantee any potential member a date with a member of the service.

Seems like a lot of work with no guarantee on a return. Hmmm…that sounds suspiciously like dating! Of course, you’ll notice there is no free ride for men as even the poor have to pay a fee to meet rich women (who want nothing to do with them). If it doesn’t work, there’s a no refund policy…now that sounds suspiciously like marriage!

Let’s see what I’d have to pay…

$25,000 US dollars for a year of unlimited dating nationally throughout the US/Canada
1 hour date coaching session with the dating coach in your area
1 hour relationship counseling session with the relationship counselor in your area
1 hour image consulting session with the image consultant in your area
1 hour hypnotherapy session with the hypnotherapist in your area

Looks like 4 hours of talking to people and a chance to search their database for matches. Last time I checked there were TONS of Internet sites with far more people in the dbase for so much less…or FREE. To put this in perspective, you could purchase 835 months of service (or 69.5 years) on Match for the same price! Of course, you also get the personal sessions but not sure what I’d learn in the 1 hour sessions outside of my need to work on my dating skills, my failure at every relationship and the fact I have no image…I don’t even cast a reflection anymore.

Now, if you’re ready to step up then you can spend another $30,000 and they will personally search the world for people matching your criteria. Wonder if they could find a woman willing to pay the fee for me? I thought the $10K fee for Russian mail order brides was a bit much…looking more like a bargain every second!

At $55,000, I can’t afford love…or least the kind they’re selling at the Millionaires Club. My price range gets me the kind of dating service with meetings at the Stuckey’s (a truck stop favorite) and an after-party mixer at the massage parlor. At least this deal guarantees you something…even if it's only an itch that won’t go away.

Who is this Mr. Nice Guy?

Dating is a relatively enjoyable experience once you’re established…it’s initially finding the person that’s complicated, frustrating and often disappointing (not to mention expensive). People always seem to be interested in everyone but the person who’s interested in them! There’s nothing wrong with this as no one should “settle” for “Mr./Ms. Not-Nearly-Good-Enough” simply to avoid being single. My biggest issue is trying to find women who appreciate my “type” as it seems very few women do.

Imagine my surprise when I read that Jennifer Love Hewitt is all about geeks! Of course, if it hadn’t said she liked geeks in the title I’d have never clicked on it! It was a proud and momentous day in Geekdom the likes of which has not been known since the days following the release of “Revenge of the Nerds”. For a fleeting moment, it seemed possible for an average guy to date a beautiful woman but then reality comes crashing back down as she is only ONE person…and taken. (Before the masses cry out “Shallow!” for the beautiful comment, I’ll say physical beauty is relative to the person and most “evolved” men are looking for much more than just a pretty face and a size 0 body…myself included)

I’ve always prided myself on being a decent guy who treats others with respect but I’m always worried it will lump me in to the “Nice Guy” category which is the kiss of death in dating. The biggest problem with the Nice Guy tag is how it’s become synonymous for boring. The reality is treating other people with respect has nothing to do with being boring (it’s a totally different trait) but most people mistake decency for weakness (again…another totally different trait). Of course, the media perpetuates the misclassification with articles like this one with a clingy, needy guy who is or isn’t a nice person…yet they call him Mr. Nice Guy.

As you’re probably noticing, this topic elicits a strong reaction because I’m tired of being lumped into this category because I treat people with respect. I’m not discouraged because I know there are women out there who want to be treated with respect and as an equal. Of course, none of them appear to live anywhere near Charlotte so maybe it’s time to take my show on the road?

My friend V keeps telling me to make the trip to LA as I’d be the catch of the day. I’ve always laughed it off but maybe there's something to it? I was surfing channels the other night and came across “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo (curse cable for giving me 40 channels to choose from after a life with no cable) featuring a social party for singles in Hollywood. My curiosity got the best of me and I watched a few minutes. I was totally shocked…even rich people are socially inept like me and have trouble meeting people! OMG…what happened to money making everyone beautiful?

I was especially interested to see one millionaire mention he didn’t want a woman over 35 only to see him chat up a very nice 45 yr old woman with obvious signs of interest. I didn’t hang out for the end of the show but the host commented on how he’d probably drop her when he found out her age. I’m thinking he’s 45 and never married so maybe he better get past himself. He may own a hotel and be rich but he’s still an ass. Of course, he’ll probably still do well because being an ass is better than being a nice guy any day of the week in the dating game as far as I can tell.

I’m seriously thinking LA may be my best chance because I’m not looking for 22 and perfect…I’m looking for 32-42 yrs old and normal! Marianne Sierk once commented about her lack of dating success in LA because she was over 30 and a size 6 so I decided to check her web page to see what is “undateable” in LA:



Seriously, book my trip right now! She’s not only attractive but funny, witty and personable. If you happen to read this Marianne, I’ll definitely buy you a loaf of bread if we run into each other at the grocery store…thanks for the best pick up line ever ; ) For more Marianne, check out her series on Bud TV…very funny.

I don’t want anyone to get the idea that all women are attracted to jerks (most women who’ve had serious, long-term relationships are looking for decent guys…they married the jerks first time around!) but you have to admit the cocky, jerk guys seem to have the most immediate success. The few times I’ve employed this approach it’s been met with ridiculous levels of success so maybe nice guys do finish last? Maybe so but I’ll be at the end of the line waiting for the last of the nice girls…we’ll be a perfect match.