Sign me up...

One of the coolest things about the Fish is it’s a free site but hosts ads for every pay dating site known to man. Pure genius…let your competition pay all the expenses and put a few dollars in your own pocket. The big name players are all represented but I was intrigued by a small, lesser known site called Together Christian. Not because of the religious affiliation (plenty of sites cater to that segment) but for their photo choices in targeted advertising.

Men and women have very different criteria when selecting a potential partner so sites have to be very strategic in their marketing. The firm that created these ads should be commended for supporting the old age stereotypes.

For Christian ladies looking for a good man, the website offers up this photo:

He’s a good looking, older gentleman and the prominent “selling points” on display are stability, maturity and good health (he’s in shape). I’d imagine this picture probably brought a few women to the site in search of Mr. Right. To make him even safer, he’s a “Certified Christian”….whatever that means.

For Christian men looking for a nice girl, the website offer up this photo:

Good Lord! Side profile shot to accentuate her silhouette and the golden blond hair casually draped over her exposed shoulder. The “selling points” are on prominent display along with a slender body and ample….youth. The site advertises it has 1000’s of members and you’re looking at what brought in 99% of them. The cruel irony here is if she’s a Christian then it’s a “look but don’t touch” proposition…now that's cruel! You may be in luck, however, since she’s not a “Certified Christian”.

Before people start to hate on me, please note that I’ve got nothing against any religion (OK…I don’t really like those guys who hand out flowers) but you have to admit it’s funny to see a Christian dating web site using a hot model to entice men to sign up. Could this be Phase Two of the experiment?

P.S. The page says “Christians Join for Free”…does that mean heathens have to pay a fee?

Box of Fish...

While the internet may have modernized finding people, the old rules of dating still apply so it’s up to the guy to do the hunting. Plenty of Fish (hereafter known as the Fish) boasts it has more members than all other sites combined so decided to start small with a basic search within a 25 mile radius of my zip code. Apparently, I’m not the only person looking as over 600+ people were returned in my results! Who knew that many other cheapskates lived so close to me?

Before you get too excited by 600, probably 500 could be eliminated if the site had better search filter options but that’s OK because the experiment was designed with no limitations so I’d rather get way too many hits than too few.

I’ve always held very low expectations when reviewing other people’s profile but really wasn’t prepared for what I found on the Fish...everything from heartbreakingly desperate to downright perverted with a healthy dose of obscenity for good measure (Ironically, I was listening to Rick James on my i-Pod when I started reviewing profiles…how appropriate). Way too many profiles to discuss them all but here are a few that deserve special recognition.

In my past dating experiences, I’ve seen first hand exactly how many freaks are loose in the dating world. The really clever ones pretend to be normal (but they always crack and show “crazy” soon enough) while others just embrace their freakiness and want to share it with someone special. I’m not sure where to start with Example 1 since it’s like reading a dyslexic version of Finnegan’s Wake. It’s hard to follow and a bit painful in places but if you can finish it then you’ll be rewarded by the somewhat sentence, “Never tried Greek although I wanna”…God I hope she’s talking about food!

On thing Internet dating sites are not known for is truth in advertising when it comes to profile pictures. The picture you post speaks volumes and determines the type of person you’ll attract so form your own opinions after reviewing Example 2. First, the personal stats are a complete LIE (she’s not 35, definitely doesn’t have children and if she has a master’s it’s probably in pole dancing). She throws in the following statement, “Be forewarned….if you act like an ass, I will make an example out of you!” Based on her profile pictures, if I take her near water she’ll eagerly show everyone her ass!

Its one thing to be model quality and post risqué pictures of yourself…it’s something altogether different if your Example 3. If the pictures weren’t bad enough (don’t miss out on the photo captions!), give the first three sentences of the profile a go. I don’t hate on anyone trying to find love/happiness/a better price on car insurance/etc. but had to laugh at “looking for that special guy that has a little life left”…not a lot of life but just a little left.

One of the great things about using the Internet is that you can control how much other people know about you. Some people opt for a bit of mystery and others want to tell you everything in the profile. This last example caught me a little off guard as I wasn’t aware that one could be “a little pregnant”…I always kind of figured it was a yes/no answer but maybe I’m wrong : ) Seems Example 4 already has one on the way but is still looking for that special someone (or at least someone who’ll hang around). Call me old fashioned but wouldn’t it make more sense to actually wait until AFTER the child is born? There’s nothing like water breaking during a first date to put a damper on a blossoming new relationship.

I don’t have the link to her profile so I’ll let you read her words:

I have two children and one on the way (don't panic, I'm very independent in this area). I'm not looking for a father for any of them. I'm looking for companionship for me and see where it goes. My son is 16 and he lives with his dad. My daughter is 9 and we have joint custody of her. My last child is due in July. The only thing that comes before my family is our one true Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, which I cherish my relationship with.

Although right now I am a little pregnant. So men, don't let the fact that I'm pregnant scare you off. I'm not looking for a dad for him!

Although I’ve shared a couple of profiles, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of the Fish. There are a lot of normal people on the site too so definitely going to continue the “Fish experiment” to see what happens.

My initial search was not totally fruitless as I took a chance and cast a line…and got a nibble : )

Get what you pay for...

(Note: Sorry for the long delay in posting...have been sick for a solid week! Never fear as I used the down time to start a new experiement which promises to provide hours of entertainment on the blog.)

I went out last Thursday night to catch up with a friend (see Disco Inferno for more on my friend and my misadventure) and his wife after their salsa dancing class. In the course of our conversation at dinner, his wife asked me, “When’s the last time you had a real date? Not a coffee date but a real date?” I sat there thinking back and honestly couldn’t remember the date…the actual, physical date (like December 10, 2007…I remember the girl…oh yeah, never forget that one). After a few moments of awkward silence, I replied, “What year is it?” A brief laugh and a few self-deprecating jokes, we moved on to the next topic but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

How’d this happen? Was I really that busy with more important things? I seriously don’t remember my calendar being so full that I couldn’t work in a few dates but here it is 2009 and I’ve got nothing to show for my past efforts but a couple of empty coffee cups.

I’ve always believed that life is what you make it and I’ve succeeded in making mine a complicated, neurotic mess with little chance of ever being considered anything beyond a borderline disaster (but it’s been a hell of a ride : ) Too many unimportant things getting in the way and opportunities lost because of indecision or lack of action. For all the flaws, it’s still mine and I embrace it with both arms because it’s the life I’ve made for myself…even if I wasn’t entirely sure what I was building at the time.

Understanding my past failures, I’ve decided to put on a full-court press to improve my personal life and date more in 2009. My exploits in meeting new people are well known and have included everything from Speed Dating, Internet sites and social networking…all with little to no real results. I swore off the Internet years ago after spending too much money to get one response…which was more of a questionnaire around my finances and ability to spend money on her. All the internet dating sites want the dollars so what’s a jaded, cost conscious guy to do? You guessed it….FREE internet sites!

I’m a firm believer in “you get what you pay for” so my expectations are lower than usual with this iteration of the online dating experiment known as http://www.plentyoffish.com/. This site is 100% free and caters to all kinds of people so decided to see what can happen when I post a real picture of myself and the following profile:

I’m a well-adjusted, average guy who is still fascinated by shiny things and enjoys learning new, useless pieces of trivia. I posses great skill in the ancient art of listening but have been known to tell interesting, mostly true stories on request.

For fun, I’ve been known to go all over the world to swim with the fish and see the sights at the bottom of the ocean. I started falling out of planes (at altitude) a few years ago because it seemed like a fun thing to do after a long week at work. Mostly, I spend my weekends riding around the woods trying to see if the number of laps will ever exceed the number of falls in a given day.

In the not-so-fun but necessary category, I lift heavy things 3 days a week in the name of fitness and being able to fit into pants with a 30 inch waist. I still haven’t gotten the call to grace the cover of Men’s Health although I’ve been told I have a bright future as a “before” model.

Speaking of work (if I must), my employment status is “gainfully employed” and even includes a recent promotion. I’ve held a variety of jobs in the past and am skilled in hunting, gathering and living well on a mid-management salary. I escaped the cubicle farm to get away from the distractions and gossip of the office. Now, I work from a square room in my house while staring out the window and gossiping over IM. Did I mention they promoted me for this behavior?

I’m not new to dating but any success using the Internet would be new. Looking to meet people who are serious when they need to be but know how to have fun!

The goal here is to have fun and see what happens with no expectations. At the very least, it can’t be any worse than the other ways I've tried to meet people.

Stay tuned…

Porn industry struggling to keep sales up…

I’ve long predicted the next industry to march on Washington looking for a handout would be the home builders. Today, I was proven wrong by none other than Larry Flynt as he announced he wants $5B to bailout out the porn industry. It appears the porn industry needs their own dose of financial Viagra to ensure the world isn’t deprived of America’s favorite pastime (What? You thought it was baseball???).

As hard as it is to believe, people aren’t buying porn like they used to when times were good (funny how the need for food, shelter and other things get in the way of having a bit of fun). The sales trackers show that “XXX DVD sales are down 22% from a year ago”. I’ve done a bit of statistical analysis and produced the following graphical representation of what will happen without bailout money:

This chart doesn’t look like any fun at all! Notice how it starts out strong but they just can't keep it up when the dollars disappear. Porn has always been a growth industry and we cannot allow it to fail now…it’s too big to fail! We must press Congress to act now to approve this “stimulus” package or risk having to actually watch baseball, PBS or some other nonsense.

Once the government starts pumping money into the industry, we see how quickly things start moving in the right direction!

Notice how quickly we see reaction to the generous stimulus package. There may be some random periods where growth cannot be sustained but I’m confident the industry can consistently push ahead and penetrate new markets to gain revenue. They’ve been through hard times before and have always shown they can grow the business…almost on demand!

I agree with Larry, “The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly”. Of course, the government shouldn’t just hand out $5B in some “quickie” bailout without any oversight (would they really hand out billions without a plan? : ) These dollars need to be spent wisely or the porn market will just continue to be up and down with people repeatedly coming to Congress asking for more…more…more…money.

To ensure the proper controls are in place, I’m putting my name in the hat to regulate this bailout. Unlike some Washington bureaucrat, I pledge to be “hands-on” at all times and you’ll never catch me laying down on the job (I promise...you’ll never catch me : ) I’ll also closely inspect every project to ensure your money is being put into all the right places at exactly the right moment. This is key as we taxpayers can’t have them pulling out of a project too soon before we see the money. It’s a dirty job but I’m definitely up to the task!

Note: If I’ve offended you with this entry, it proves you’ve never read any of my other entries!

Heroes aren’t hard to find…but who's looking?

Who hasn’t dreamed of being a superhero with some really cool power out saving the day from evildoers? It was a recurring dream of mine but then, unfortunately, I turned six. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across an article discussing the gaining popularity of becoming a true-to-life superhero (they prefer to be called “Reals”) and the existence of the World Superhero Registry.

The registry gives the superhero a chance to trade stories and tactics with other supers (and it sounds like they could use some help!). Here are a couple of the questions posted (with my responses):

Q: “Should I wear a mask?”
A: YES…if you have any self-respect…wear two!

Q: “How do I identify a street gang?”
A: They’ll be the ones kicking your *ss when you jump out and disrupt their business. OK….half will be kicking your *ss and the rest will be laughing.

Q: “Can you get bulletproof vests on eBay?”
A: I’m sure you can but I’d advise against buying the slightly used model.

In my quest to learn more about the subject, I found an article in Rolling Stone called "The Legend of Master Legend" which should be a must read for anyone contemplating the life of a Real as it dishes the good, bad and the truly stupid aspects of being a modern day superhero. This stuff is classic and I couldn’t stop laughing when Master Legend would describe his exploits using phrases like “all-night tour of Fist City!" or “the receiving end of the No Mercy Punch!". I wonder if the No Mercy Punch is followed by a KAA-POW!?

The article inspired me to get off the sidelines and become a crime fighting, defender of truth and justice…but I needed a name! A couple came to mind but who’d be afraid of Dark Justice or Knight of Pain? It was time for some serious help so had to hit the one website that generates names with real street cred! Here are the best selections:

Master Pimp E. Loco
Tricktickler E. Rockefeller
Master Pimp ESC
Treacherous E. Silk

What evildoer wouldn’t cower in fear at the mention of Treacherous E. Silk? I’ll be on the street handing out b*tchslaps to crooks, criminals and phonies while playing it smooth with the ladies. Hey, superhero business is hard work so nothing wrong with getting down with a few ladies between thrashing the bad guys. Don’t forget…I start out treacherous but end up silk!

Now that I’ve got a name, I need a costume and not one of those silly wrestler masks so went right to The Source for the perfect outfit (FYI…make sure your volume is UP when you go to the site : ) Lot’s of selections but think Treacherous E. Silk should greet the world in this timeless classic that demands respect. Your costume should make a statement so choose carefully…or you might end up like this unfortunate picture of Rick James (see below). Of course, Rick was so d*mn cool he pulled it off!!! Much respect…

I’ve got the name and threads but something is still missing…protection. No, not that kind of protection…I’m talking Magic 8-Ball dispenser of justice. Magic 8 Ball says “Not likely” if you think you’re going to avoid the business end of this stick. Of course, street life is dangerous so grabbing The Dice too. Evildoers roll craps and Treacherous E. Silk will be there to bring his pimp hand strong.

Only in America can mostly normal people dress in costume and patrol the streets. Their intentions are good and who couldn’t use a little more hope in these trying times? Maybe Green Scorpion was on to something when he said, “Everyone has the opportunity to awaken and become who they always wanted to be. Some people just hit the snooze button and go back to sleep.” Indeed...

Wanna see her dance?

Someone once told me, "The only people who have a problem with tattoos are people who don’t have one”. I’ve got no problem with them but I do have a problem with BAD tattoos! Be it bad choices in art (anything involving Nintendo, Star Wars or science fiction will ALWAYS be a bad choice) or poor execution in the actual inking (make sure the guy slinging ink isn’t as drunk as you), the consequences are a permanent reminder of a bad decision.

When I was but a small lad growing up in (town name withheld), I saw my first tattoo up close and personal and the experience changed my life. My friend Frank’s grandfather had been all over the world with the Navy…back when being in the Navy was more like being a pirate than a regular job. He was hardcore (he got his ear pierced the first time he crossed the equator and wore a gold hoop….this was YEARS before men wore earrings!) and looked like he’d kick your a** if you stared at him too long. On one of his voyages to somewhere in the South Pacific, he’d gotten a tattoo of a topless hula girl on his forearm but the ink had blurred over the years so you really had to look close to see anything outside of an outline. I was 12 years old and it was a topless girl so I looked….really close! One day he noticed my interest in the ink and we had the following conversation:

Him: “You like my hula girl?”
Esc: “Ahhh….I guess”
Him: “Wanna see her dance?”
Esc: “Uh….OK”

At that moment, he proceeded to shake his arm and the loose skin swayed back and forth so it appeared she was dancing. I was overcome by a wave of absolute revulsion and my psyche was scarred forever. To this day, I can still see her “dance”. It was at that point I decided to never get a tattoo…and I still don’t have any!

You may be thinking that bad tattoos only happen to aged sailors or people who can’t afford to get good ink. Not so…even celebrities get BAD tattoos! Some of these are just plain awful choices in body art and it makes me question what they were thinking when they sat in the chair and said, “Ink it…” If I had the cash of any of these people, my next action after seeing myself in this gallery would be to call a qualified professional skilled in tattoo removal. Of course, it’s expensive to have a tattoo removed and quite painful so two more reason yours truly is still on the sideline.

Of course, there is alternative in the works for those of us with commitment issues…it’s an ink that dissolves! How cool is this concept…you get your art without the commitment. Now you can get the name of your special someone (OK…special right now) inked onto your body with no concern for permanence. In the past, tattooing someone’s name was the surest and quickest way to see a relationship end! You were stuck with their name on your body so you had to explain it to the next girl (and no women wants to look up at you during the “O” moment and see your ex’s name) or only date women with the same name as your ex. The latter would seriously limit choices if you don’t take the necessary precautions.

Some years ago, I saw a guy who had the names of three women tattooed on his arm and it seemed to work for him. The names were Tiffany, Crystal and Amber…all popular stripper stage names! He looked like the kind of guy who’d frequent a very low class of strip joints so he probably had no issues convincing the current Tiffany he’d tattooed her name on his arm just to meet her. It’s a move of pure genius…if you like to date strippers.

On top of my commitment issues (tattoos only : ), I’m also not down with the whole needle thing…I’ve seen my fair share of needles so not voluntarily offering up any part of my body for a tattoo. For those of us with all these issues who still want a tattoo, I give you the no commit tattoo! Now you can have it all and still wear short sleeves to the company picnic. So, next time you see Esc and I’ve got the coolest Japanese Koi sleeve you’ve ever seen, don’t think I’ve moved to new level of cool…know that I’m still the same old Esc you’ve always made fun of at every opportunity. John Mayer scored Jennifer Aniston with his cool Koi sleeve but is that really an accomplishment? She slept with the dude from the Chili Peppers so not thinking a cool tat (or quality dentistry) is really high on her list of criteria.

I’ve got no issue with other people getting good tattoos (Greg’s work is first class…but I was a bit disturbed by the amount of butt cheek work on guys) but it’s just not for me. I’m so random…could never settle on anything. I do appreciate the art form and kudos to my friends who have ink (Scott, Johnnie G and GP)…no commitment issues with these guys!

I also think tattoos on girls can be cool if done tastefully and discrete. I’ve never dated a woman with ink but would be open to the experience…as long as it not on her forehead (especially if the word “Crazy” is tattooed there)! Of course, if “Crazy” was tattooed on her forehead then I’d know a lot sooner than usual! : )

How'd you meet again?

It happened again last night…two nights in a row. No, I didn’t get lucky (If that was the case I’d probably start believing in Santa again : ) I had a fleeting moment of loneliness and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the holidays? Nope! This is the absolute BEST time to be single! You never have to attend parties for your significant other’s annoying co-workers/friends, no dealing with the inevitable fistfights/arguments at the hillbilly family Christmas when they break out the moonshine (true story…) and never have to spend too much money on a gift he/she will never appreciate/use/etc. Being single at Christmas is about as perfect as can be but it’s the other 364 days that seem to be the challenge.

Research shows more people sign up for online dating in January than any other month of the year. I went this route a long time ago and found the whole experience humorous, humiliating, frustrating, annoying and ultimately, futile. The whole debacle starts with the profile…No matter what you put in there it always comes off like an ad for a used car.

“Low mileage, action-adventure guy with all working parts seeks compatible, like–minded female. Upgraded options included as well as plenty of storage space for additional baggage. Don’t pay full price for a new model when this gently used version is available right now and priced to move”.

The situation gets exponentially more comical after the dreaded profile is posted so future entries may be dedicated to some of my better moments. My views on Internet dating are well documented so what’s left for those of us not willing to be reduced to a “used person” ad on match.com?

The obvious first choice is a bar. Nothing makes you feel old like walking into a bar and immediately thinking it’s too smoky/loud/whatever…strike one. If you go by yourself, add another strike as you have virtually no chance of working yourself into any groups so prepare to stand off to the side sipping your over-priced drink. You won’t be ignored…oh no, EVERY single, 20-something, “woo” girl will be asking you to buy her a drink. Strike three if you buy her drinks… I don’t buy drinks for girls I’ve just met (not because I’m cheap but because it’s a suckers bet). Besides, what kind of relationship could you have with a woman who flashes strangers to get a $3 beer? If she’ll do that for a $3 beer then you really have to question what she’d do for a big money prize like dinner at Denney’s (Hey baby, I’ve got a coupon for the Grand Slam Breakfast!). She may have no self-respect but I feel a bit better knowing I still have some left.

Next stop, the old classic…the gym! You’re in an environment where you’ve got an ample supply of athletic women to choose from so how can this be a bad thing? For starters, most people want to be left alone when they work out and it’s especially true of women. Of course, you’ll get somewhere if you’re handsome, ripped and have a cool accent but let’s face reality; I tip the scale at 140 lbs (with wet hair) and am firmly in the average looking category so not much potential in a place where appearance reigns supreme. Then there's the "jock factor"...nothing knocks you out of contention like being told, “Hey, there’s a string hanging off your shirt” and then grabbing my arm! It’s not that I’m out of shape…it’s the lighting and all the mirrors conspiring to make me look like an anorexic version of Casper. Besides, for all the women there to pick up one of those muscle bound knuckleheads, I’ve got some bad news…they like guys too! Since genetics has doomed to me be 140 lbs forever, I decided to hit up a place where the playing field is a bit more level.

I’ve been told the trick to meeting educated women is to hang out in a bookstore. Supposedly, everyone in a bookstore on a Saturday night understands the dynamic (i.e. it’s an intellectual meet market!) so stake out a place in your favorite section and wait for the women. This actually sounded like a good idea until I tried it (kind of like holding a lit bottle rocket or being shot out of a cannon). My fatal flaw is I’m too practical most of the time. I started out in the computer book section as I needed to solve a problem for work so decided to kill two birds with one stone. Number of women in the computer book section…exactly ZERO. I quickly discovered computer books are the most effective form of birth control on the face of the planet as no woman would even approach the “Bermuda Triangle of Books”. I think the guy researching herpes two aisles over actually met a girl! By this point, I’d wasted an hour and wanted to be somewhere else…anywhere but there. Off to get coffee…and a new identity.

One of the online articles talked about how easy it was to meet girls at the coffee shop and how all guys should make it one of their “prime” places. I staked out my table at the Dilworth Coffee Shop and waited for the endless parade of available women looking for Mr. Nearly Perfect. The place was full of beatnik guys so my presence was immediately known….I guess it was the fact I was clean shaven, had bathed in the last 8 hours and actually had a job that set me apart. The few single women who came in were usually doing it for their lazy, beatnik boyfriends who couldn’t be bothered to actually get out of her car to get their own coffee. There was some random eye contact but they all seemed taken aback at the sight of me…maybe it was the uncontrollable twitching or speaking at a 100 mph from the three, fully caffeinated, grande whatever’s. The few who actually braved the caffeine fueled, speed speaking seemed a bit too “earthy” for my taste…I’m a strong advocate of bathing and the occasional shave. I’m OK with finding Bigfoot but just not OK with waking up next to her!

At the bottom of the list is the place of last resort…the grocery store. I’ve never meet girls at the supermarket…Maybe it’s because my cart usually consists of a bunch of vegetables, soy protein and cinnamon rolls (who can resist the ooey, gooey goodness?) so there aren’t many conversation starters in my basket. I once bumped carts with an attractive girl and tried to start a conversation with her. We made eye contact (she smiled so decided to take the chance) but, as I was scanning her cart, I missed the sudden look of horror on her face…I caught up pretty quickly when I noticed the box of tampons sitting (prominently) on top of the toilet paper. She was probably a very nice girl but who wants to tell the story of how we met over a box of feminine hygiene products to anyone? I learned two things after that experience…the first is to put personal items way down in the cart to avoid awkward moments and the second is to always have a clever/funny saying handy to buy time to make a graceful exit!

It’s hard enough to find places to meet decent people so if you have any suggestions, please post them in the comments section and I’ll try it out (and post the outcome ; )