Sign me up...

One of the coolest things about the Fish is it’s a free site but hosts ads for every pay dating site known to man. Pure genius…let your competition pay all the expenses and put a few dollars in your own pocket. The big name players are all represented but I was intrigued by a small, lesser known site called Together Christian. Not because of the religious affiliation (plenty of sites cater to that segment) but for their photo choices in targeted advertising.

Men and women have very different criteria when selecting a potential partner so sites have to be very strategic in their marketing. The firm that created these ads should be commended for supporting the old age stereotypes.

For Christian ladies looking for a good man, the website offers up this photo:

He’s a good looking, older gentleman and the prominent “selling points” on display are stability, maturity and good health (he’s in shape). I’d imagine this picture probably brought a few women to the site in search of Mr. Right. To make him even safer, he’s a “Certified Christian”….whatever that means.

For Christian men looking for a nice girl, the website offer up this photo:

Good Lord! Side profile shot to accentuate her silhouette and the golden blond hair casually draped over her exposed shoulder. The “selling points” are on prominent display along with a slender body and ample….youth. The site advertises it has 1000’s of members and you’re looking at what brought in 99% of them. The cruel irony here is if she’s a Christian then it’s a “look but don’t touch” proposition…now that's cruel! You may be in luck, however, since she’s not a “Certified Christian”.

Before people start to hate on me, please note that I’ve got nothing against any religion (OK…I don’t really like those guys who hand out flowers) but you have to admit it’s funny to see a Christian dating web site using a hot model to entice men to sign up. Could this be Phase Two of the experiment?

P.S. The page says “Christians Join for Free”…does that mean heathens have to pay a fee?

Box of Fish...

While the internet may have modernized finding people, the old rules of dating still apply so it’s up to the guy to do the hunting. Plenty of Fish (hereafter known as the Fish) boasts it has more members than all other sites combined so decided to start small with a basic search within a 25 mile radius of my zip code. Apparently, I’m not the only person looking as over 600+ people were returned in my results! Who knew that many other cheapskates lived so close to me?

Before you get too excited by 600, probably 500 could be eliminated if the site had better search filter options but that’s OK because the experiment was designed with no limitations so I’d rather get way too many hits than too few.

I’ve always held very low expectations when reviewing other people’s profile but really wasn’t prepared for what I found on the Fish...everything from heartbreakingly desperate to downright perverted with a healthy dose of obscenity for good measure (Ironically, I was listening to Rick James on my i-Pod when I started reviewing profiles…how appropriate). Way too many profiles to discuss them all but here are a few that deserve special recognition.

In my past dating experiences, I’ve seen first hand exactly how many freaks are loose in the dating world. The really clever ones pretend to be normal (but they always crack and show “crazy” soon enough) while others just embrace their freakiness and want to share it with someone special. I’m not sure where to start with Example 1 since it’s like reading a dyslexic version of Finnegan’s Wake. It’s hard to follow and a bit painful in places but if you can finish it then you’ll be rewarded by the somewhat sentence, “Never tried Greek although I wanna”…God I hope she’s talking about food!

On thing Internet dating sites are not known for is truth in advertising when it comes to profile pictures. The picture you post speaks volumes and determines the type of person you’ll attract so form your own opinions after reviewing Example 2. First, the personal stats are a complete LIE (she’s not 35, definitely doesn’t have children and if she has a master’s it’s probably in pole dancing). She throws in the following statement, “Be forewarned….if you act like an ass, I will make an example out of you!” Based on her profile pictures, if I take her near water she’ll eagerly show everyone her ass!

Its one thing to be model quality and post risqué pictures of yourself…it’s something altogether different if your Example 3. If the pictures weren’t bad enough (don’t miss out on the photo captions!), give the first three sentences of the profile a go. I don’t hate on anyone trying to find love/happiness/a better price on car insurance/etc. but had to laugh at “looking for that special guy that has a little life left”…not a lot of life but just a little left.

One of the great things about using the Internet is that you can control how much other people know about you. Some people opt for a bit of mystery and others want to tell you everything in the profile. This last example caught me a little off guard as I wasn’t aware that one could be “a little pregnant”…I always kind of figured it was a yes/no answer but maybe I’m wrong : ) Seems Example 4 already has one on the way but is still looking for that special someone (or at least someone who’ll hang around). Call me old fashioned but wouldn’t it make more sense to actually wait until AFTER the child is born? There’s nothing like water breaking during a first date to put a damper on a blossoming new relationship.

I don’t have the link to her profile so I’ll let you read her words:

I have two children and one on the way (don't panic, I'm very independent in this area). I'm not looking for a father for any of them. I'm looking for companionship for me and see where it goes. My son is 16 and he lives with his dad. My daughter is 9 and we have joint custody of her. My last child is due in July. The only thing that comes before my family is our one true Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, which I cherish my relationship with.

Although right now I am a little pregnant. So men, don't let the fact that I'm pregnant scare you off. I'm not looking for a dad for him!

Although I’ve shared a couple of profiles, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of the Fish. There are a lot of normal people on the site too so definitely going to continue the “Fish experiment” to see what happens.

My initial search was not totally fruitless as I took a chance and cast a line…and got a nibble : )

Get what you pay for...

(Note: Sorry for the long delay in posting...have been sick for a solid week! Never fear as I used the down time to start a new experiement which promises to provide hours of entertainment on the blog.)

I went out last Thursday night to catch up with a friend (see Disco Inferno for more on my friend and my misadventure) and his wife after their salsa dancing class. In the course of our conversation at dinner, his wife asked me, “When’s the last time you had a real date? Not a coffee date but a real date?” I sat there thinking back and honestly couldn’t remember the date…the actual, physical date (like December 10, 2007…I remember the girl…oh yeah, never forget that one). After a few moments of awkward silence, I replied, “What year is it?” A brief laugh and a few self-deprecating jokes, we moved on to the next topic but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

How’d this happen? Was I really that busy with more important things? I seriously don’t remember my calendar being so full that I couldn’t work in a few dates but here it is 2009 and I’ve got nothing to show for my past efforts but a couple of empty coffee cups.

I’ve always believed that life is what you make it and I’ve succeeded in making mine a complicated, neurotic mess with little chance of ever being considered anything beyond a borderline disaster (but it’s been a hell of a ride : ) Too many unimportant things getting in the way and opportunities lost because of indecision or lack of action. For all the flaws, it’s still mine and I embrace it with both arms because it’s the life I’ve made for myself…even if I wasn’t entirely sure what I was building at the time.

Understanding my past failures, I’ve decided to put on a full-court press to improve my personal life and date more in 2009. My exploits in meeting new people are well known and have included everything from Speed Dating, Internet sites and social networking…all with little to no real results. I swore off the Internet years ago after spending too much money to get one response…which was more of a questionnaire around my finances and ability to spend money on her. All the internet dating sites want the dollars so what’s a jaded, cost conscious guy to do? You guessed it….FREE internet sites!

I’m a firm believer in “you get what you pay for” so my expectations are lower than usual with this iteration of the online dating experiment known as http://www.plentyoffish.com/. This site is 100% free and caters to all kinds of people so decided to see what can happen when I post a real picture of myself and the following profile:

I’m a well-adjusted, average guy who is still fascinated by shiny things and enjoys learning new, useless pieces of trivia. I posses great skill in the ancient art of listening but have been known to tell interesting, mostly true stories on request.

For fun, I’ve been known to go all over the world to swim with the fish and see the sights at the bottom of the ocean. I started falling out of planes (at altitude) a few years ago because it seemed like a fun thing to do after a long week at work. Mostly, I spend my weekends riding around the woods trying to see if the number of laps will ever exceed the number of falls in a given day.

In the not-so-fun but necessary category, I lift heavy things 3 days a week in the name of fitness and being able to fit into pants with a 30 inch waist. I still haven’t gotten the call to grace the cover of Men’s Health although I’ve been told I have a bright future as a “before” model.

Speaking of work (if I must), my employment status is “gainfully employed” and even includes a recent promotion. I’ve held a variety of jobs in the past and am skilled in hunting, gathering and living well on a mid-management salary. I escaped the cubicle farm to get away from the distractions and gossip of the office. Now, I work from a square room in my house while staring out the window and gossiping over IM. Did I mention they promoted me for this behavior?

I’m not new to dating but any success using the Internet would be new. Looking to meet people who are serious when they need to be but know how to have fun!

The goal here is to have fun and see what happens with no expectations. At the very least, it can’t be any worse than the other ways I've tried to meet people.

Stay tuned…

Porn industry struggling to keep sales up…

I’ve long predicted the next industry to march on Washington looking for a handout would be the home builders. Today, I was proven wrong by none other than Larry Flynt as he announced he wants $5B to bailout out the porn industry. It appears the porn industry needs their own dose of financial Viagra to ensure the world isn’t deprived of America’s favorite pastime (What? You thought it was baseball???).

As hard as it is to believe, people aren’t buying porn like they used to when times were good (funny how the need for food, shelter and other things get in the way of having a bit of fun). The sales trackers show that “XXX DVD sales are down 22% from a year ago”. I’ve done a bit of statistical analysis and produced the following graphical representation of what will happen without bailout money:

This chart doesn’t look like any fun at all! Notice how it starts out strong but they just can't keep it up when the dollars disappear. Porn has always been a growth industry and we cannot allow it to fail now…it’s too big to fail! We must press Congress to act now to approve this “stimulus” package or risk having to actually watch baseball, PBS or some other nonsense.

Once the government starts pumping money into the industry, we see how quickly things start moving in the right direction!

Notice how quickly we see reaction to the generous stimulus package. There may be some random periods where growth cannot be sustained but I’m confident the industry can consistently push ahead and penetrate new markets to gain revenue. They’ve been through hard times before and have always shown they can grow the business…almost on demand!

I agree with Larry, “The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly”. Of course, the government shouldn’t just hand out $5B in some “quickie” bailout without any oversight (would they really hand out billions without a plan? : ) These dollars need to be spent wisely or the porn market will just continue to be up and down with people repeatedly coming to Congress asking for more…more…more…money.

To ensure the proper controls are in place, I’m putting my name in the hat to regulate this bailout. Unlike some Washington bureaucrat, I pledge to be “hands-on” at all times and you’ll never catch me laying down on the job (I promise...you’ll never catch me : ) I’ll also closely inspect every project to ensure your money is being put into all the right places at exactly the right moment. This is key as we taxpayers can’t have them pulling out of a project too soon before we see the money. It’s a dirty job but I’m definitely up to the task!

Note: If I’ve offended you with this entry, it proves you’ve never read any of my other entries!

Heroes aren’t hard to find…but who's looking?

Who hasn’t dreamed of being a superhero with some really cool power out saving the day from evildoers? It was a recurring dream of mine but then, unfortunately, I turned six. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across an article discussing the gaining popularity of becoming a true-to-life superhero (they prefer to be called “Reals”) and the existence of the World Superhero Registry.

The registry gives the superhero a chance to trade stories and tactics with other supers (and it sounds like they could use some help!). Here are a couple of the questions posted (with my responses):

Q: “Should I wear a mask?”
A: YES…if you have any self-respect…wear two!

Q: “How do I identify a street gang?”
A: They’ll be the ones kicking your *ss when you jump out and disrupt their business. OK….half will be kicking your *ss and the rest will be laughing.

Q: “Can you get bulletproof vests on eBay?”
A: I’m sure you can but I’d advise against buying the slightly used model.

In my quest to learn more about the subject, I found an article in Rolling Stone called "The Legend of Master Legend" which should be a must read for anyone contemplating the life of a Real as it dishes the good, bad and the truly stupid aspects of being a modern day superhero. This stuff is classic and I couldn’t stop laughing when Master Legend would describe his exploits using phrases like “all-night tour of Fist City!" or “the receiving end of the No Mercy Punch!". I wonder if the No Mercy Punch is followed by a KAA-POW!?

The article inspired me to get off the sidelines and become a crime fighting, defender of truth and justice…but I needed a name! A couple came to mind but who’d be afraid of Dark Justice or Knight of Pain? It was time for some serious help so had to hit the one website that generates names with real street cred! Here are the best selections:

Master Pimp E. Loco
Tricktickler E. Rockefeller
Master Pimp ESC
Treacherous E. Silk

What evildoer wouldn’t cower in fear at the mention of Treacherous E. Silk? I’ll be on the street handing out b*tchslaps to crooks, criminals and phonies while playing it smooth with the ladies. Hey, superhero business is hard work so nothing wrong with getting down with a few ladies between thrashing the bad guys. Don’t forget…I start out treacherous but end up silk!

Now that I’ve got a name, I need a costume and not one of those silly wrestler masks so went right to The Source for the perfect outfit (FYI…make sure your volume is UP when you go to the site : ) Lot’s of selections but think Treacherous E. Silk should greet the world in this timeless classic that demands respect. Your costume should make a statement so choose carefully…or you might end up like this unfortunate picture of Rick James (see below). Of course, Rick was so d*mn cool he pulled it off!!! Much respect…

I’ve got the name and threads but something is still missing…protection. No, not that kind of protection…I’m talking Magic 8-Ball dispenser of justice. Magic 8 Ball says “Not likely” if you think you’re going to avoid the business end of this stick. Of course, street life is dangerous so grabbing The Dice too. Evildoers roll craps and Treacherous E. Silk will be there to bring his pimp hand strong.

Only in America can mostly normal people dress in costume and patrol the streets. Their intentions are good and who couldn’t use a little more hope in these trying times? Maybe Green Scorpion was on to something when he said, “Everyone has the opportunity to awaken and become who they always wanted to be. Some people just hit the snooze button and go back to sleep.” Indeed...