Someone once told me, "The only people who have a problem with tattoos are people who don’t have one”. I’ve got no problem with them but I do have a problem with BAD tattoos! Be it bad choices in art (anything involving Nintendo, Star Wars or science fiction will ALWAYS be a bad choice) or poor execution in the actual inking (make sure the guy slinging ink isn’t as drunk as you), the consequences are a permanent reminder of a bad decision.
When I was but a small lad growing up in (town name withheld), I saw my first tattoo up close and personal and the experience changed my life. My friend Frank’s grandfather had been all over the world with the Navy…back when being in the Navy was more like being a pirate than a regular job. He was hardcore (he got his ear pierced the first time he crossed the equator and wore a gold hoop….this was YEARS before men wore earrings!) and looked like he’d kick your a** if you stared at him too long. On one of his voyages to somewhere in the South Pacific, he’d gotten a tattoo of a topless hula girl on his forearm but the ink had blurred over the years so you really had to look close to see anything outside of an outline. I was 12 years old and it was a topless girl so I looked….really close! One day he noticed my interest in the ink and we had the following conversation:
Him: “You like my hula girl?”
Esc: “Ahhh….I guess”
Him: “Wanna see her dance?”
Esc: “Uh….OK”
At that moment, he proceeded to shake his arm and the loose skin swayed back and forth so it appeared she was dancing. I was overcome by a wave of absolute revulsion and my psyche was scarred forever. To this day, I can still see her “dance”. It was at that point I decided to never get a tattoo…and I still don’t have any!
You may be thinking that bad tattoos only happen to aged sailors or people who can’t afford to get good ink. Not so…even celebrities get BAD tattoos! Some of these are just plain awful choices in body art and it makes me question what they were thinking when they sat in the chair and said, “Ink it…” If I had the cash of any of these people, my next action after seeing myself in this gallery would be to call a qualified professional skilled in tattoo removal. Of course, it’s expensive to have a tattoo removed and quite painful so two more reason yours truly is still on the sideline.
Of course, there is alternative in the works for those of us with commitment issues…it’s an ink that dissolves! How cool is this concept…you get your art without the commitment. Now you can get the name of your special someone (OK…special right now) inked onto your body with no concern for permanence. In the past, tattooing someone’s name was the surest and quickest way to see a relationship end! You were stuck with their name on your body so you had to explain it to the next girl (and no women wants to look up at you during the “O” moment and see your ex’s name) or only date women with the same name as your ex. The latter would seriously limit choices if you don’t take the necessary precautions.
Some years ago, I saw a guy who had the names of three women tattooed on his arm and it seemed to work for him. The names were Tiffany, Crystal and Amber…all popular stripper stage names! He looked like the kind of guy who’d frequent a very low class of strip joints so he probably had no issues convincing the current Tiffany he’d tattooed her name on his arm just to meet her. It’s a move of pure genius…if you like to date strippers.
On top of my commitment issues (tattoos only : ), I’m also not down with the whole needle thing…I’ve seen my fair share of needles so not voluntarily offering up any part of my body for a tattoo. For those of us with all these issues who still want a tattoo, I give you the no commit tattoo! Now you can have it all and still wear short sleeves to the company picnic. So, next time you see Esc and I’ve got the coolest Japanese Koi sleeve you’ve ever seen, don’t think I’ve moved to new level of cool…know that I’m still the same old Esc you’ve always made fun of at every opportunity. John Mayer scored Jennifer Aniston with his cool Koi sleeve but is that really an accomplishment? She slept with the dude from the Chili Peppers so not thinking a cool tat (or quality dentistry) is really high on her list of criteria.
I’ve got no issue with other people getting good tattoos (Greg’s work is first class…but I was a bit disturbed by the amount of butt cheek work on guys) but it’s just not for me. I’m so random…could never settle on anything. I do appreciate the art form and kudos to my friends who have ink (Scott, Johnnie G and GP)…no commitment issues with these guys!
I also think tattoos on girls can be cool if done tastefully and discrete. I’ve never dated a woman with ink but would be open to the experience…as long as it not on her forehead (especially if the word “Crazy” is tattooed there)! Of course, if “Crazy” was tattooed on her forehead then I’d know a lot sooner than usual! : )
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
How'd you meet again?
It happened again last night…two nights in a row. No, I didn’t get lucky (If that was the case I’d probably start believing in Santa again : ) I had a fleeting moment of loneliness and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the holidays? Nope! This is the absolute BEST time to be single! You never have to attend parties for your significant other’s annoying co-workers/friends, no dealing with the inevitable fistfights/arguments at the hillbilly family Christmas when they break out the moonshine (true story…) and never have to spend too much money on a gift he/she will never appreciate/use/etc. Being single at Christmas is about as perfect as can be but it’s the other 364 days that seem to be the challenge.
Research shows more people sign up for online dating in January than any other month of the year. I went this route a long time ago and found the whole experience humorous, humiliating, frustrating, annoying and ultimately, futile. The whole debacle starts with the profile…No matter what you put in there it always comes off like an ad for a used car.
“Low mileage, action-adventure guy with all working parts seeks compatible, like–minded female. Upgraded options included as well as plenty of storage space for additional baggage. Don’t pay full price for a new model when this gently used version is available right now and priced to move”.
The situation gets exponentially more comical after the dreaded profile is posted so future entries may be dedicated to some of my better moments. My views on Internet dating are well documented so what’s left for those of us not willing to be reduced to a “used person” ad on match.com?
The obvious first choice is a bar. Nothing makes you feel old like walking into a bar and immediately thinking it’s too smoky/loud/whatever…strike one. If you go by yourself, add another strike as you have virtually no chance of working yourself into any groups so prepare to stand off to the side sipping your over-priced drink. You won’t be ignored…oh no, EVERY single, 20-something, “woo” girl will be asking you to buy her a drink. Strike three if you buy her drinks… I don’t buy drinks for girls I’ve just met (not because I’m cheap but because it’s a suckers bet). Besides, what kind of relationship could you have with a woman who flashes strangers to get a $3 beer? If she’ll do that for a $3 beer then you really have to question what she’d do for a big money prize like dinner at Denney’s (Hey baby, I’ve got a coupon for the Grand Slam Breakfast!). She may have no self-respect but I feel a bit better knowing I still have some left.
Next stop, the old classic…the gym! You’re in an environment where you’ve got an ample supply of athletic women to choose from so how can this be a bad thing? For starters, most people want to be left alone when they work out and it’s especially true of women. Of course, you’ll get somewhere if you’re handsome, ripped and have a cool accent but let’s face reality; I tip the scale at 140 lbs (with wet hair) and am firmly in the average looking category so not much potential in a place where appearance reigns supreme. Then there's the "jock factor"...nothing knocks you out of contention like being told, “Hey, there’s a string hanging off your shirt” and then grabbing my arm! It’s not that I’m out of shape…it’s the lighting and all the mirrors conspiring to make me look like an anorexic version of Casper. Besides, for all the women there to pick up one of those muscle bound knuckleheads, I’ve got some bad news…they like guys too! Since genetics has doomed to me be 140 lbs forever, I decided to hit up a place where the playing field is a bit more level.
I’ve been told the trick to meeting educated women is to hang out in a bookstore. Supposedly, everyone in a bookstore on a Saturday night understands the dynamic (i.e. it’s an intellectual meet market!) so stake out a place in your favorite section and wait for the women. This actually sounded like a good idea until I tried it (kind of like holding a lit bottle rocket or being shot out of a cannon). My fatal flaw is I’m too practical most of the time. I started out in the computer book section as I needed to solve a problem for work so decided to kill two birds with one stone. Number of women in the computer book section…exactly ZERO. I quickly discovered computer books are the most effective form of birth control on the face of the planet as no woman would even approach the “Bermuda Triangle of Books”. I think the guy researching herpes two aisles over actually met a girl! By this point, I’d wasted an hour and wanted to be somewhere else…anywhere but there. Off to get coffee…and a new identity.
One of the online articles talked about how easy it was to meet girls at the coffee shop and how all guys should make it one of their “prime” places. I staked out my table at the Dilworth Coffee Shop and waited for the endless parade of available women looking for Mr. Nearly Perfect. The place was full of beatnik guys so my presence was immediately known….I guess it was the fact I was clean shaven, had bathed in the last 8 hours and actually had a job that set me apart. The few single women who came in were usually doing it for their lazy, beatnik boyfriends who couldn’t be bothered to actually get out of her car to get their own coffee. There was some random eye contact but they all seemed taken aback at the sight of me…maybe it was the uncontrollable twitching or speaking at a 100 mph from the three, fully caffeinated, grande whatever’s. The few who actually braved the caffeine fueled, speed speaking seemed a bit too “earthy” for my taste…I’m a strong advocate of bathing and the occasional shave. I’m OK with finding Bigfoot but just not OK with waking up next to her!
At the bottom of the list is the place of last resort…the grocery store. I’ve never meet girls at the supermarket…Maybe it’s because my cart usually consists of a bunch of vegetables, soy protein and cinnamon rolls (who can resist the ooey, gooey goodness?) so there aren’t many conversation starters in my basket. I once bumped carts with an attractive girl and tried to start a conversation with her. We made eye contact (she smiled so decided to take the chance) but, as I was scanning her cart, I missed the sudden look of horror on her face…I caught up pretty quickly when I noticed the box of tampons sitting (prominently) on top of the toilet paper. She was probably a very nice girl but who wants to tell the story of how we met over a box of feminine hygiene products to anyone? I learned two things after that experience…the first is to put personal items way down in the cart to avoid awkward moments and the second is to always have a clever/funny saying handy to buy time to make a graceful exit!
It’s hard enough to find places to meet decent people so if you have any suggestions, please post them in the comments section and I’ll try it out (and post the outcome ; )
Research shows more people sign up for online dating in January than any other month of the year. I went this route a long time ago and found the whole experience humorous, humiliating, frustrating, annoying and ultimately, futile. The whole debacle starts with the profile…No matter what you put in there it always comes off like an ad for a used car.
“Low mileage, action-adventure guy with all working parts seeks compatible, like–minded female. Upgraded options included as well as plenty of storage space for additional baggage. Don’t pay full price for a new model when this gently used version is available right now and priced to move”.
The situation gets exponentially more comical after the dreaded profile is posted so future entries may be dedicated to some of my better moments. My views on Internet dating are well documented so what’s left for those of us not willing to be reduced to a “used person” ad on match.com?
The obvious first choice is a bar. Nothing makes you feel old like walking into a bar and immediately thinking it’s too smoky/loud/whatever…strike one. If you go by yourself, add another strike as you have virtually no chance of working yourself into any groups so prepare to stand off to the side sipping your over-priced drink. You won’t be ignored…oh no, EVERY single, 20-something, “woo” girl will be asking you to buy her a drink. Strike three if you buy her drinks… I don’t buy drinks for girls I’ve just met (not because I’m cheap but because it’s a suckers bet). Besides, what kind of relationship could you have with a woman who flashes strangers to get a $3 beer? If she’ll do that for a $3 beer then you really have to question what she’d do for a big money prize like dinner at Denney’s (Hey baby, I’ve got a coupon for the Grand Slam Breakfast!). She may have no self-respect but I feel a bit better knowing I still have some left.
Next stop, the old classic…the gym! You’re in an environment where you’ve got an ample supply of athletic women to choose from so how can this be a bad thing? For starters, most people want to be left alone when they work out and it’s especially true of women. Of course, you’ll get somewhere if you’re handsome, ripped and have a cool accent but let’s face reality; I tip the scale at 140 lbs (with wet hair) and am firmly in the average looking category so not much potential in a place where appearance reigns supreme. Then there's the "jock factor"...nothing knocks you out of contention like being told, “Hey, there’s a string hanging off your shirt” and then grabbing my arm! It’s not that I’m out of shape…it’s the lighting and all the mirrors conspiring to make me look like an anorexic version of Casper. Besides, for all the women there to pick up one of those muscle bound knuckleheads, I’ve got some bad news…they like guys too! Since genetics has doomed to me be 140 lbs forever, I decided to hit up a place where the playing field is a bit more level.
I’ve been told the trick to meeting educated women is to hang out in a bookstore. Supposedly, everyone in a bookstore on a Saturday night understands the dynamic (i.e. it’s an intellectual meet market!) so stake out a place in your favorite section and wait for the women. This actually sounded like a good idea until I tried it (kind of like holding a lit bottle rocket or being shot out of a cannon). My fatal flaw is I’m too practical most of the time. I started out in the computer book section as I needed to solve a problem for work so decided to kill two birds with one stone. Number of women in the computer book section…exactly ZERO. I quickly discovered computer books are the most effective form of birth control on the face of the planet as no woman would even approach the “Bermuda Triangle of Books”. I think the guy researching herpes two aisles over actually met a girl! By this point, I’d wasted an hour and wanted to be somewhere else…anywhere but there. Off to get coffee…and a new identity.
One of the online articles talked about how easy it was to meet girls at the coffee shop and how all guys should make it one of their “prime” places. I staked out my table at the Dilworth Coffee Shop and waited for the endless parade of available women looking for Mr. Nearly Perfect. The place was full of beatnik guys so my presence was immediately known….I guess it was the fact I was clean shaven, had bathed in the last 8 hours and actually had a job that set me apart. The few single women who came in were usually doing it for their lazy, beatnik boyfriends who couldn’t be bothered to actually get out of her car to get their own coffee. There was some random eye contact but they all seemed taken aback at the sight of me…maybe it was the uncontrollable twitching or speaking at a 100 mph from the three, fully caffeinated, grande whatever’s. The few who actually braved the caffeine fueled, speed speaking seemed a bit too “earthy” for my taste…I’m a strong advocate of bathing and the occasional shave. I’m OK with finding Bigfoot but just not OK with waking up next to her!
At the bottom of the list is the place of last resort…the grocery store. I’ve never meet girls at the supermarket…Maybe it’s because my cart usually consists of a bunch of vegetables, soy protein and cinnamon rolls (who can resist the ooey, gooey goodness?) so there aren’t many conversation starters in my basket. I once bumped carts with an attractive girl and tried to start a conversation with her. We made eye contact (she smiled so decided to take the chance) but, as I was scanning her cart, I missed the sudden look of horror on her face…I caught up pretty quickly when I noticed the box of tampons sitting (prominently) on top of the toilet paper. She was probably a very nice girl but who wants to tell the story of how we met over a box of feminine hygiene products to anyone? I learned two things after that experience…the first is to put personal items way down in the cart to avoid awkward moments and the second is to always have a clever/funny saying handy to buy time to make a graceful exit!
It’s hard enough to find places to meet decent people so if you have any suggestions, please post them in the comments section and I’ll try it out (and post the outcome ; )
Monday, December 22, 2008
Letting Go...
(To start at the beginning of the series, check out "Fake It..." )
While I’m still firmly planted in Phase Two, the next chapter is already starting to take shape…The third phase appears to be called “Letting go”.
In order to let things go, you’ve got to take inventory of your life to determine what should stay and what should go…I had a truly stupid amount of unnecessary “baggage” so housekeeping would be working mandatory overtime. It was embarrassing to think I’d wasted time and energy carrying this junk as some of it happened so long ago I couldn’t remember all the details…but I was still holding on to it! It reminded me of a story…
“Two monks were walking along a river and they came up a woman who needed to cross but couldn’t because of the rushing water. One of the monks agreed to carry the woman across the river on his back. Upon reaching the other side, the woman thanked the monk and went on her way.
The two monks continued down the path in silence until the first monk commented, “Why did you carry that woman when you knew it violated your sacred vows?”
The second monk replied, “Because it was the right thing to do”
“It was wrong and you shouldn’t have” stated the first monk.
For the next few miles, the first monk kept talking about the woman.
The second monk stopped and said, “I left her at the banks of the river…why do you continue to carry her?”
(Wow! Can I botch a storyline or what? !?!? You get the point...)
Lessons I’ve learned:
If you can’t change something and it causes you pain, why carry it forward? Let it go…
If you see others struggling with challenges, you are obligated to help them…it’s the right thing to do
Letting go means forgiving others who have wronged you but, more importantly, it means forgiving yourself
Normally, I don’t write about life projects in progress (or anything this close to New Age psychobabble) but I needed to get it out of my system.
The "black cloud" followed me for too many years and I see it over several of my friends who are experiencing difficult life challenges. I’m no role model (my next series of entries will dispel any myths of that ever being true) but this experiment has been positive and I’d be selfish not to share if it can help others. Maybe the name of Phase Four is “Pay it Forward…”? I’ll let you know when I get there….
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Seeing the + in the -
(To start at the beginning of the series, check out "Fake It..." )
Now that I’d become a man about town wearing my goofy smile and handing out compliments like Halloween candy, it was time to start making some real changes. This phase didn’t require suspension of certain human traits but direct, head-on confrontation of how I viewed events/situations to stop focusing on the negative.
Phase Two of the experiment can be described as “Seeing the positive in the negative”. Bad, unfortunate things happen to good people…it’s a fact of life but I was determined to find as much “positive” as possible in everything (especially when I failed at something...which we all know rarely ever happens in my world).
Case in point, the other day I decided to take a chance and ask a very nice girl out for coffee. Going into the situation, success seemed very likely but reality was a bit less forgiving…my offer was politely declined. (Author’s Note: Obviously I didn't adequately present all the wonderful things associated with being around ESC or she’d have said “Yes! How about right now?” : ) In the past, I’d have been bummed at putting myself out there only to fail but not this time. I focused on the positive aspects (I confronted my anxiety of asking her and took the leap regardless of the consequences!) and not the negative aspects (She declined). I’m not going to ignore the mistakes made in the process but simply chose to be happy about taking the chance instead of dwelling on the outcome.
I need to take a moment to clarify the difference between declining an offer and being rejected…they are NOT the same thing. Declining my invitation for coffee was not personal in any way….it was simply the act of declining an invitation to meet and nothing more. Next time I see her, how will I react? The same as I always have (friendly, cordial, etc.) because it wasn’t personal. Now, if she’d said, “No way! You’re a geek and have the biggest nose I’ve ever seen!” then that’s personal. For the record, I’m not a geek…OK, not a really big geek.
You’re thinking, “So what…he probably gets “declined” all the time? He’s able to see the positive in a fairly easy situation but could he find the positive in something truly awful?” The answer is yes. I’d describe my life as a "tragicomedy in progress" so plenty of really good examples to choose from.
A few years ago, I went through an especially rough period of life where I saw the dissolution of a 10 year romantic relationship, job loss and the complete, utter failure of all aspects of my life in the span of about a month. I focused so intensely on the negative aspects I lost over 20 lbs and basically slept walked through an entire year of my life. During the following years, I slowly began to see the positives (quite by accident and through no conscious effort) and decided to revisit the situation during the experiment by writing down all the positives and negatives. Not only did the positives outnumber the negatives, I discovered the negatives were things I no longer needed (the introduction to Phase Three).
Phase Two is still in progress and I have more to accomplish but here’s what I’ve learned so far:
There is at least one positive point in ANY situation…you may have to dig deep but it’s there.
You have to constantly work on this as it’s easy to revert to old patterns of thought…especially after a failure.
Was it easy to go back through all the bad times and mistakes? Not really…but it was necessary to re-frame the events so my thoughts focus on the positive outcomes because those memories are the ones worth remembering. Maybe I’m deluding myself but that’s OK because it’s a pretty good place to be and my perception is reality!
To be continued...
NOTE: In reference to the statement, “So what…he probably gets “declined” all the time? “ …I’ll admit I’m batting a bit under .500 these days but you don’t have to hit every pitch, only the right ones : )
Now that I’d become a man about town wearing my goofy smile and handing out compliments like Halloween candy, it was time to start making some real changes. This phase didn’t require suspension of certain human traits but direct, head-on confrontation of how I viewed events/situations to stop focusing on the negative.
Phase Two of the experiment can be described as “Seeing the positive in the negative”. Bad, unfortunate things happen to good people…it’s a fact of life but I was determined to find as much “positive” as possible in everything (especially when I failed at something...which we all know rarely ever happens in my world).
Case in point, the other day I decided to take a chance and ask a very nice girl out for coffee. Going into the situation, success seemed very likely but reality was a bit less forgiving…my offer was politely declined. (Author’s Note: Obviously I didn't adequately present all the wonderful things associated with being around ESC or she’d have said “Yes! How about right now?” : ) In the past, I’d have been bummed at putting myself out there only to fail but not this time. I focused on the positive aspects (I confronted my anxiety of asking her and took the leap regardless of the consequences!) and not the negative aspects (She declined). I’m not going to ignore the mistakes made in the process but simply chose to be happy about taking the chance instead of dwelling on the outcome.
I need to take a moment to clarify the difference between declining an offer and being rejected…they are NOT the same thing. Declining my invitation for coffee was not personal in any way….it was simply the act of declining an invitation to meet and nothing more. Next time I see her, how will I react? The same as I always have (friendly, cordial, etc.) because it wasn’t personal. Now, if she’d said, “No way! You’re a geek and have the biggest nose I’ve ever seen!” then that’s personal. For the record, I’m not a geek…OK, not a really big geek.
You’re thinking, “So what…he probably gets “declined” all the time? He’s able to see the positive in a fairly easy situation but could he find the positive in something truly awful?” The answer is yes. I’d describe my life as a "tragicomedy in progress" so plenty of really good examples to choose from.
A few years ago, I went through an especially rough period of life where I saw the dissolution of a 10 year romantic relationship, job loss and the complete, utter failure of all aspects of my life in the span of about a month. I focused so intensely on the negative aspects I lost over 20 lbs and basically slept walked through an entire year of my life. During the following years, I slowly began to see the positives (quite by accident and through no conscious effort) and decided to revisit the situation during the experiment by writing down all the positives and negatives. Not only did the positives outnumber the negatives, I discovered the negatives were things I no longer needed (the introduction to Phase Three).
Phase Two is still in progress and I have more to accomplish but here’s what I’ve learned so far:
There is at least one positive point in ANY situation…you may have to dig deep but it’s there.
You have to constantly work on this as it’s easy to revert to old patterns of thought…especially after a failure.
Was it easy to go back through all the bad times and mistakes? Not really…but it was necessary to re-frame the events so my thoughts focus on the positive outcomes because those memories are the ones worth remembering. Maybe I’m deluding myself but that’s OK because it’s a pretty good place to be and my perception is reality!
To be continued...
NOTE: In reference to the statement, “So what…he probably gets “declined” all the time? “ …I’ll admit I’m batting a bit under .500 these days but you don’t have to hit every pitch, only the right ones : )
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Fake It...
How much better would your life be if you simply chose to be happy? I first stumbled across the idea while researching Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) which led me to a website discussing the principles of Huna. It was an interesting concept but hardly life changing for a man who doesn’t believe in spirituality, Cartesian Dualism or any of the New Age nonsense. It’s a nice thought but it can’t be as simple as saying “I want and choose to be happy”…nothing is that easy!
The idea of “choosing happiness” didn’t resurface until a few months ago when I was researching quality of hire. How do you find enlightenment while researching HR topics? By accident! I found a blog entry on the topic and the author discussed her research but, in the end, it always came back to the fact that a person’s perception is their reality. The light bulb came on and an experiment was now in order.
My “experiment” isn’t based on any single philosophy or path but on the trial and error of evolutionary learning (i.e. I’ll make mistakes but will learn from them to get to the next level...or not and will wander aimlessly). The experiment has a beginning but no defined end at this point…The goal is to be happy for the rest of my life either through choice or by finding the thing(s) that naturally bring happiness.
The first phase of my experiment can best be described as “Fake it”. Behavior/thoughts don’t change overnight as you’ve got an entire life time of negative reinforcement and rationality to overcome. This phase requires suspension of some basic human traits…in essence, fake being happy even when your not. My goal was to smile at all times (in public) and to say at least one nice thing to five strangers a day. It sounds easy but it’s harder than you think!
I started at a local shopping mall and decided to walk around with my new positive attitude and smile to see what happened. Not much...on the first trip, I felt very conscious of the fact I was smiling and probably looked like one of those “happy” people you just want to slap for no real reason. It took multiple trips but it became more natural the less I thought about it and simply let muscle memory take over. Over time, I found myself smiling even though I wasn’t really happy. I was faking it like a politician!
The second part of Phase One was much more difficult as I had to engage strangers in a non-threatening way and give them a compliment. There were no limiters so it could be anyone and I found my first opportunity by chance. I was buying dress shirts at Macy’s and a woman was debating (with another woman) which of two shirts to buy for her husband. My comment, “Get both…you have excellent taste”. Did she have good taste? I don’t know (and don’t care!) as the point wasn’t to establish a conversation or get anything from the interaction…just to say something positive. The outcome was a sincere smile and the comment “You’re right...I like them both. Thank you”. Success!
But what do you do when real life situations intrude on the experiement? The situation at my office over the past two weeks has been downright depressing and walking around with a smile would’ve made me look like an insensitive idiot. I’m sure people would have said “What a jack*ss! He’s smiling while people are being sacked!” so had to change up the plan. I decided to substitute words of encouragement with the goal of making people feel better...think of it as projecting your smile to others.
At the conclusion of Phase One, here’s what I’ve learned:
1) Forcing a smile (even when I felt less than happy) actually improved my mood and reduced stress…it became a natural feeling much easier than expected.
2) Most people (walking alone) either have no expression or frown in their natural state. I found this shocking and actually walked around a bit longer to try and find one person who was smiling…no success.
3) A sincere gesture/compliment is usually met with a look of disbelief and healthy dose of skepticism (we are a cynical society…).
4) The better I treat other people the better I feel about myself and my situation. Making others feel better about themselves or their situation brings you happiness...guaranteed!
At the end of Phase One, I’d changed my outward appearance (smiling almost all the time) and attitude when interacting with people and it was starting to show positive results. I was still faking it a great deal of the time but it was starting to become more natural.
With lessons learned, it's time for Phase Two.
To be continued…
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Art of the Happy Ending…
There’s an art to the break up and few people take the time to create a true masterpiece. Maybe it’s because people read too many of those stupid relationship advice articles or just lack creativity and a sense of style? Maybe people are just too lazy to care? We spend so much time studying how to meet people that we often neglect the importance of knowing how to end it.
As part of my research to make this the best blog in the universe, I subject myself to the inanities of Cosmo (the answer to all problems is sex and the perfect O) and Marie Claire (my all-time favorite…completely useless advice) to get some female perspective on relationships. Outside of rehashing the same topics over and over, I have to laugh when they play the “man” to tell women how we feel or what’s in our head. The article above is a great example…let’s break it down from a man’s perspective:
Article: “You are not ruining someone's life; they will get over you some day.”
Man View: We’ll get over you as soon as we get laid again. Nothing says “what's her name?” like scoring with someone new…especially if she’s hotter than the ex. Bonus points if she’ll do all the things your ex wouldn’t even consider. Double bonus points if she let’s you film it!
Article: If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
Man View: What in the h*ll does honesty have to do with anything during a break up? Men really don't care about the "why"...you're leaving so don't bore us with all the reasons and brutual honesty. It's not like we're going to change...besides, we are already thinking about the girl at the office and all the other girls we'd like to meet.
Article: Make it fast…
Man View: Please do…we have other girls (who know you!) to meet and a long, drawn out commentary on the relationship wastes our time. It’s a common misconception that men will try to sleep with their ex’s friends to get even but not so…we’ll sleep with every girl you’ve ever been jealous of or hate! Why? Your friends are on the defensive (and wouldn’t betray you unless they secretly hate you) but all those other girls are lining up to stick the dagger deep in your back. They may be married, in a committed relationship, whatever…doesn’t matter, if they hate you enough; they will play their part in the “revenge”. Most, if not all will score "bonus points"...some will even get "Double Bonus Points"!
Article: Avoid cliché’s like "I love you; I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff.
Man View: Sure we do…women have been sold on the idea we’re too stupid to understand most things but we understand everything all while playing dumb. It’s OK…we probably told you “I love you” when we didn’t really mean it either.
Article: People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt.
Man View: Guilt? Not sure what that is but doesn’t sound like it would be any fun. A man will only beg, plead or cry (for goodness sakes…you’re a Man!) if he has no one lined up to take your place. I don’t mean a solid relationship that fulfills his every need…I mean a girl who is available for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. The domain of Guilt is strictly a female construct…men have no need or want for such a useless emotion.
Article: Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails.
Man View: We’ll only call if we have no other options for sex….period. We don’t want you back…if you’ve managed to hurt us then you’ve been reduced in stature from goddess/potential wife/mother of our children to the legions of nameless, faceless women we pass on the street every day. Men are strong, tough, and proud...if you hurt/betray/wound then we’re done with you (except for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit).
Article: The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.
Man View: The lack of a consistent message just tells us you’re bi-polar, manic or just plain crazy with other issues we want no part of in a long-term capacity. If we come back, it’s strictly part-time while we line up the next girl or for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. I know it's mentioned above twice but can never be stressed enough in Man World!
Article: The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.
Man View: Nothing says “disrespect” like dropping a guy via text message when you’ve been together for any amount of time. Guys will tell other guys about your lack of courage (among all the other things you “lacked”) and they’ll tell their girlfriends….soon these women will be talking about what you lack and then it’s truly over! Women think men can be cruel…but we can never be as cruel as other women!
The male mind is complex and there's no way a magazine article will ever shed any meaningful light on it's workings...especially when it comes to relationships. When it's time to call it quits, don't try to get into our heads or other such nonsense...just do it and move on because we've got places to go and enemies to meet!
Author’s Note: The information above is purely for entertainment purposes only and doesn’t reflect the opinions/thoughts/past of the author in any capacity. If you were offended by the entry, please send me the name, age, phone number and brief description of all the women that are jealous of/hate you and I’ll do all I can to make it right...everybody smile ; )
As part of my research to make this the best blog in the universe, I subject myself to the inanities of Cosmo (the answer to all problems is sex and the perfect O) and Marie Claire (my all-time favorite…completely useless advice) to get some female perspective on relationships. Outside of rehashing the same topics over and over, I have to laugh when they play the “man” to tell women how we feel or what’s in our head. The article above is a great example…let’s break it down from a man’s perspective:
Article: “You are not ruining someone's life; they will get over you some day.”
Man View: We’ll get over you as soon as we get laid again. Nothing says “what's her name?” like scoring with someone new…especially if she’s hotter than the ex. Bonus points if she’ll do all the things your ex wouldn’t even consider. Double bonus points if she let’s you film it!
Article: If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
Man View: What in the h*ll does honesty have to do with anything during a break up? Men really don't care about the "why"...you're leaving so don't bore us with all the reasons and brutual honesty. It's not like we're going to change...besides, we are already thinking about the girl at the office and all the other girls we'd like to meet.
Article: Make it fast…
Man View: Please do…we have other girls (who know you!) to meet and a long, drawn out commentary on the relationship wastes our time. It’s a common misconception that men will try to sleep with their ex’s friends to get even but not so…we’ll sleep with every girl you’ve ever been jealous of or hate! Why? Your friends are on the defensive (and wouldn’t betray you unless they secretly hate you) but all those other girls are lining up to stick the dagger deep in your back. They may be married, in a committed relationship, whatever…doesn’t matter, if they hate you enough; they will play their part in the “revenge”. Most, if not all will score "bonus points"...some will even get "Double Bonus Points"!
Article: Avoid cliché’s like "I love you; I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff.
Man View: Sure we do…women have been sold on the idea we’re too stupid to understand most things but we understand everything all while playing dumb. It’s OK…we probably told you “I love you” when we didn’t really mean it either.
Article: People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt.
Man View: Guilt? Not sure what that is but doesn’t sound like it would be any fun. A man will only beg, plead or cry (for goodness sakes…you’re a Man!) if he has no one lined up to take your place. I don’t mean a solid relationship that fulfills his every need…I mean a girl who is available for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. The domain of Guilt is strictly a female construct…men have no need or want for such a useless emotion.
Article: Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails.
Man View: We’ll only call if we have no other options for sex….period. We don’t want you back…if you’ve managed to hurt us then you’ve been reduced in stature from goddess/potential wife/mother of our children to the legions of nameless, faceless women we pass on the street every day. Men are strong, tough, and proud...if you hurt/betray/wound then we’re done with you (except for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit).
Article: The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.
Man View: The lack of a consistent message just tells us you’re bi-polar, manic or just plain crazy with other issues we want no part of in a long-term capacity. If we come back, it’s strictly part-time while we line up the next girl or for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. I know it's mentioned above twice but can never be stressed enough in Man World!
Article: The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.
Man View: Nothing says “disrespect” like dropping a guy via text message when you’ve been together for any amount of time. Guys will tell other guys about your lack of courage (among all the other things you “lacked”) and they’ll tell their girlfriends….soon these women will be talking about what you lack and then it’s truly over! Women think men can be cruel…but we can never be as cruel as other women!
The male mind is complex and there's no way a magazine article will ever shed any meaningful light on it's workings...especially when it comes to relationships. When it's time to call it quits, don't try to get into our heads or other such nonsense...just do it and move on because we've got places to go and enemies to meet!
Author’s Note: The information above is purely for entertainment purposes only and doesn’t reflect the opinions/thoughts/past of the author in any capacity. If you were offended by the entry, please send me the name, age, phone number and brief description of all the women that are jealous of/hate you and I’ll do all I can to make it right...everybody smile ; )
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Too lazy to meet your match(.com)...Part II
Note: If you haven’t read any of the previous posts in the series, click here or none of this will make any sense at all.
When I started researching the mail order bride websites, I tried the trusty key word search but got way too many results. It’s a popular search as one site had over 4.4 million distinct searches. I needed a better plan to narrow the field to only quality websites but how? Simple…I asked my married friends which ones they go to!
In case you didn’t know, married men are the best source for information on things like strip clubs, free internet p*rn sites, dating sites, any movie with nudity, etc. This is NOT a theory…it’s a proven fact! Most single guys are too busy out meeting girls to spend hours scouring the net for the slightest glimpse of skin. Married men…they’ve got the rest of their life to search the net.
One of my friends (we’ll came him Wizzer) has long advocated this site after his trips (w/the wife) to the Soviet Union. The site has over 18,000 women looking for any man who will take them away. Are you short, fat, balding with body odor? No problem…she’ll say “Yes!” if you’ll get her out of the USSR.
Russian women are beautiful but life is very hard for them as the most common occupation for Russian men is unemployment and his hobbies usually include alcoholism, drug addiction, serial adultery and battery…kind of sounds like the guys on the prison pen pal site!
Another friend (we’ll call him GP) is a fan of this site. Interesting collection of prospects but think they're slightly off target in their thoughts about what an American man is searching for in a mail order spouse. “Americans are attracted by diligence, firmness, and stability of mind”. Well…One out three ain't bad!
I’ll have to take a pass for now but reserve the right to take the easy way out if I ever wake up short, fat and balding with body odor. Oh no...I’m already one out of four!
When I started researching the mail order bride websites, I tried the trusty key word search but got way too many results. It’s a popular search as one site had over 4.4 million distinct searches. I needed a better plan to narrow the field to only quality websites but how? Simple…I asked my married friends which ones they go to!
In case you didn’t know, married men are the best source for information on things like strip clubs, free internet p*rn sites, dating sites, any movie with nudity, etc. This is NOT a theory…it’s a proven fact! Most single guys are too busy out meeting girls to spend hours scouring the net for the slightest glimpse of skin. Married men…they’ve got the rest of their life to search the net.
One of my friends (we’ll came him Wizzer) has long advocated this site after his trips (w/the wife) to the Soviet Union. The site has over 18,000 women looking for any man who will take them away. Are you short, fat, balding with body odor? No problem…she’ll say “Yes!” if you’ll get her out of the USSR.
Russian women are beautiful but life is very hard for them as the most common occupation for Russian men is unemployment and his hobbies usually include alcoholism, drug addiction, serial adultery and battery…kind of sounds like the guys on the prison pen pal site!
Another friend (we’ll call him GP) is a fan of this site. Interesting collection of prospects but think they're slightly off target in their thoughts about what an American man is searching for in a mail order spouse. “Americans are attracted by diligence, firmness, and stability of mind”. Well…One out three ain't bad!
I’ll have to take a pass for now but reserve the right to take the easy way out if I ever wake up short, fat and balding with body odor. Oh no...I’m already one out of four!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Too lazy to meet your match(.com)...Part I
NOTE: This entry was inspired by the overwhelming feedback to my previous post….OK, only the “Commish” actually posted a comment but quite sure my other 3 readers appreciated it as well.
The thought of a prison pen pal is somewhat intriguing as a way to meet “soon-to-be-available/paroled” women but it just seems like too much work. Think about it….you have to establish a fake identity, a PO Box (never have them respond to your real address!), buy stamps and all sorts of other complications. Personally, I don’t have that kind of time (OK…maybe I do) so decided to scour the web to find an even easier way to the future ex-Mrs. ESC. The journey was perilous but I bring you new content for your enjoyment!
The first thing I discovered is the landscape is VERY different for women using the Internet to find a husband. A quick Google search for “mail order husband” returned very few results...mostly questions about the subject. There were a couple sites listed and here’s the top choice.
I didn’t see a pricing guide so emailed them and received the following reply:
“Thanks for your inquiry about pricing. We’ve copied the e-Bay model and operate on an “open bid” process. Although we have no reserve, we do ask your bid be greater than $1 dollar (that’s what Pay Pal charges us to process your payment). If you’re short on cash, we are open to trading for old Atari games or Star Trek PEZ dispensers. Thank you.”
Heck of a deal but most women aren’t looking to spend money to find a husband….they’re looking to find a husband with money. I’d like to believe there’s more to love than money (probably because I work for a living….) but I could be wrong. There’s some truth that money makes an ugly guy beautiful…just ask Mickey Rourke or Nick Nolte. Since both these guys are taken, try your luck with this group of obscenely wealthy bachelors.
At this point, you’re probably wondering if guys have to navigate the same mine field to get a mail order bride? The answer is a resounding “NO!” and we’ll cover that in the next post.
The thought of a prison pen pal is somewhat intriguing as a way to meet “soon-to-be-available/paroled” women but it just seems like too much work. Think about it….you have to establish a fake identity, a PO Box (never have them respond to your real address!), buy stamps and all sorts of other complications. Personally, I don’t have that kind of time (OK…maybe I do) so decided to scour the web to find an even easier way to the future ex-Mrs. ESC. The journey was perilous but I bring you new content for your enjoyment!
The first thing I discovered is the landscape is VERY different for women using the Internet to find a husband. A quick Google search for “mail order husband” returned very few results...mostly questions about the subject. There were a couple sites listed and here’s the top choice.
I didn’t see a pricing guide so emailed them and received the following reply:
“Thanks for your inquiry about pricing. We’ve copied the e-Bay model and operate on an “open bid” process. Although we have no reserve, we do ask your bid be greater than $1 dollar (that’s what Pay Pal charges us to process your payment). If you’re short on cash, we are open to trading for old Atari games or Star Trek PEZ dispensers. Thank you.”
Heck of a deal but most women aren’t looking to spend money to find a husband….they’re looking to find a husband with money. I’d like to believe there’s more to love than money (probably because I work for a living….) but I could be wrong. There’s some truth that money makes an ugly guy beautiful…just ask Mickey Rourke or Nick Nolte. Since both these guys are taken, try your luck with this group of obscenely wealthy bachelors.
At this point, you’re probably wondering if guys have to navigate the same mine field to get a mail order bride? The answer is a resounding “NO!” and we’ll cover that in the next post.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
You've met your match(.com)
This entry is dedicated to all the single people trying to find someone special but having a difficult time. Tired of the cattle call mentality of Speed Dating? Disappointed in meeting the match.com person who looks nothing like their photo? Confused by the matches sent to your inbox from e-Harmony that totally don’t match you at all? We’ve tried all the “usual” methods to meet new people but nothing ever seems to work. Well, I’ve found a better way…just click here.
The age of the prison pen pal has arrived! Sure, they’ve been convicted of a felony but that doesn’t mean they don’t need love too. You can learn a great deal about people by their profiles…sometimes too much:
Shandra: Seems like a nice girl but not sure she’s learned her lesson yet as her profile says “When I'm out of prison, you'll most likely find me at a ski resort snowboarding or boating in the summer.” Sounds to me like she’s planning on going back to prison at some point so better make sure the deposit at the ski resort is refundable.
Krystal: Scary! She’d cut you just to see if the knife was sharp. I especially love the inclusion of “conversate”…old episodes of “In Living Color” anyone?
Liliana: Oh yeah…nice profile pic (love the tiger tattoo) but not sure there’s much potential here since she’s in for LIFE! Your Honor, I swear he threw himself on the knife….37 times!
Angelina: The picture is worth a thousand words…all bad. Her previous occupation was “massage therapist” however; I’m not sure giving massages at the truck stop counts as therapy?
Amber: They say all stereotypes have a bit of truth in them…so let’s try this one: A felon, stripper named Amber? A perfect trifecta!
Stephanie: Her previous occupation was case manager at a law firm…I’d say not a very good firm since she got prison time!
Lorinda: Nothing says C-L-A-S-S-Y like this profile! There is so much going on in I can't keep up!
For the ladies who read the blog, don’t feel left out as there are plenty of single, available men on the website too! Just think, never again will you have to wonder if the guy is a lying, cheating loser…He is(!) so no future disappointments. Plus, when it’s time to end the relationship, just call his P.O. (parole officer) and “violate” him. He’s on the next bus to Chino faster than you can mail your next pen pal letter.
Why pay match.com or e-Harmony a monthly fee to find you an endless cavalcade of losers when you can find your own for the cost of a stamp? Besides, who wants to say I met my "Mr./Ms. Right" at match.com? Boring! You've got to be diligent and determined to find your special someone and nothing says conviction to the cause like a prison pen pal.
The age of the prison pen pal has arrived! Sure, they’ve been convicted of a felony but that doesn’t mean they don’t need love too. You can learn a great deal about people by their profiles…sometimes too much:
Shandra: Seems like a nice girl but not sure she’s learned her lesson yet as her profile says “When I'm out of prison, you'll most likely find me at a ski resort snowboarding or boating in the summer.” Sounds to me like she’s planning on going back to prison at some point so better make sure the deposit at the ski resort is refundable.
Krystal: Scary! She’d cut you just to see if the knife was sharp. I especially love the inclusion of “conversate”…old episodes of “In Living Color” anyone?
Liliana: Oh yeah…nice profile pic (love the tiger tattoo) but not sure there’s much potential here since she’s in for LIFE! Your Honor, I swear he threw himself on the knife….37 times!
Angelina: The picture is worth a thousand words…all bad. Her previous occupation was “massage therapist” however; I’m not sure giving massages at the truck stop counts as therapy?
Amber: They say all stereotypes have a bit of truth in them…so let’s try this one: A felon, stripper named Amber? A perfect trifecta!
Stephanie: Her previous occupation was case manager at a law firm…I’d say not a very good firm since she got prison time!
Lorinda: Nothing says C-L-A-S-S-Y like this profile! There is so much going on in I can't keep up!
For the ladies who read the blog, don’t feel left out as there are plenty of single, available men on the website too! Just think, never again will you have to wonder if the guy is a lying, cheating loser…He is(!) so no future disappointments. Plus, when it’s time to end the relationship, just call his P.O. (parole officer) and “violate” him. He’s on the next bus to Chino faster than you can mail your next pen pal letter.
Why pay match.com or e-Harmony a monthly fee to find you an endless cavalcade of losers when you can find your own for the cost of a stamp? Besides, who wants to say I met my "Mr./Ms. Right" at match.com? Boring! You've got to be diligent and determined to find your special someone and nothing says conviction to the cause like a prison pen pal.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Three Date Rule...
You’re probably familiar with the “Three Date Rule”…if not; I’m not going to explain because you wouldn’t understand and probably fall into one or more of these categories:
You haven’t had a date since the last time a democrat was in the White House
You’ve been married forever and lost the will to live long ago
You live in a cave and only recently discovered the difference between boys and girls
You may know the rule but are you aware of the by-laws? It seems that you’ve got to go on three dates with the SAME person! What?!?!? When did this happen? This totally invalidates my new strategy of going out on a single date with two nice girls and then shooting for that ultra-hot, super model type in the off-chance she’ll go for the ever anticipated third date. Seems I’ve got to figure out how to get the super model to go out with me at least three times…this could be tough but not impossible.
Maybe I could use the Mystery Method or maybe pick up some “self help” books by Tony Clink but do you really have to expend that much energy to impress a super model? I’m thinking you start off with, “So, tell me about yourself…” and she’ll talk for hours! If I take her to three different places on the same date then maybe I can convince her that she has been on three dates? Hmmm…that just might work!
I’d originally planned to post something a bit more serious on the challenges of dating in the modern world but not my style…It’s all about having a bit of fun while you wander through the wilderness cold, naked and alone. That’s not to say the experiences are all bad as some have been interesting, entertaining and even down right bizarre (Aimee, I know you don’t read the blog but “thank you” because people still go “No way that actually happened!” when I tell the story). Call me crazy but I miss the misadventures of dating so maybe it’s time to start looking again?
To be continued…
You haven’t had a date since the last time a democrat was in the White House
You’ve been married forever and lost the will to live long ago
You live in a cave and only recently discovered the difference between boys and girls
You may know the rule but are you aware of the by-laws? It seems that you’ve got to go on three dates with the SAME person! What?!?!? When did this happen? This totally invalidates my new strategy of going out on a single date with two nice girls and then shooting for that ultra-hot, super model type in the off-chance she’ll go for the ever anticipated third date. Seems I’ve got to figure out how to get the super model to go out with me at least three times…this could be tough but not impossible.
Maybe I could use the Mystery Method or maybe pick up some “self help” books by Tony Clink but do you really have to expend that much energy to impress a super model? I’m thinking you start off with, “So, tell me about yourself…” and she’ll talk for hours! If I take her to three different places on the same date then maybe I can convince her that she has been on three dates? Hmmm…that just might work!
I’d originally planned to post something a bit more serious on the challenges of dating in the modern world but not my style…It’s all about having a bit of fun while you wander through the wilderness cold, naked and alone. That’s not to say the experiences are all bad as some have been interesting, entertaining and even down right bizarre (Aimee, I know you don’t read the blog but “thank you” because people still go “No way that actually happened!” when I tell the story). Call me crazy but I miss the misadventures of dating so maybe it’s time to start looking again?
To be continued…
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