Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I know I've been absent for far too long but I don't have as much free time as before. You see, I met this girl and she continues to say "yes" to my date requests so spending all my time trying to figure out things to do, places to go and finding new restaurants that take American Express. I never knew it could be so time consuming to make someone think you just thought of something to do off the top of your head!

She's been impressed so far and I'd hate for her to discover the awful truth that I'm not as smooth and sophisticated as I appear. Clever and charming fascade please hold out for a bit longer...PLEASE!!!!

Anyway...I'll try to do a better job with the blog in 2010!

This little piggy...

I’m a skeptic…always have been. They always make things sound worse than they really are when it’s probably really nothing to worry about. Take this whole H1N1 thing. It’s probably a hoax to get me to buy some useless cold medicine or hand sanitizer and it can’t be as bad as they keep saying in the news.

I’m usually just plain lazy when I don’t update the blog but this time I have a legitimate excuse…I got H1N1 last week. It’s now 9 days later and I’m finally starting to feel a little bit better. Not 100% mind you…just a BIT better. The diagnosis says another few days of misery and then another few weeks of cough. Perfect!

Now having H1N1 hasn’t given me the benefits of the usual prolonged illness (such as days off with no work) since I’ve worked every single day. To make matters worse, I also missed an opportunity to go to Hong Kong for three weeks on assignment. When it rains, it pours.

I’ll update with much better content once I’m back to my old self (probably this weekend). In the meantime, this little piggy goes hack, hack, hack!

Things I love...

I love a lot of things…like a glass of perfectly dry Cabernet, Thai food, lounging around in the hammock on a nice day, riding my bikes and living near a college town. What? How did living near a college town make the list? Let me explain.

My physical address puts me in Cornelius but I live four miles from the Davidson College campus. While four miles may not seem far, it’s a world away from Cornelius in a great many ways. Davidson is one of those liberal college towns where nothing exciting ever happens…until now.

It’s a beautiful fall day and I’m stopped at the light in the center of town. I make the left turn onto Main St. passing by the quaint shops and people just walking to be outside. Fortunately, I get caught by the next stop light in front of the Ben and Jerry’s. Normally, I hate missing this light but I’d miss it every time if “they” were there.

I saw a small group of college students walking towards the light and thought nothing of it until I saw the two tall, very attractive girls. As they got closer, I noticed they had their arms around each other (in a more than friend’s kind of way). When they reached the Ben and Jerry’s, they stopped and proceeded to make out (to the horror of the old people sitting in the rocking chairs). I don’t mean a peck on the cheek but full-on action!

After two rotations of the light, the cars behind me starting honking the horn but I wasn’t moving…no way these people were going to ruin this for me. I was definitely feeling the moment (and I think the guy in the truck behind me was feeling something else a little more personal...Dude, not cool!) so had to stay for the whole, wonderful show. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen two girls make out but usually, hot girl-on-girl action is followed by the need to enter a credit card number and a check of the anti-virus software. Having witnessed this greatness, my day was complete.

A lot of people say things like “I love life” and “I’m in love with love”. That’s all fine and good but find that my list of things I love is a bit less cultured…especially since I added “hot girls making out in front of the Ben and Jerry’s In Davidson NC” to the list.

Stop playing by the rules…

There are some golden rules that are just not meant to be broken…like don’t tug on Superman’s cape, don’t spit into the wind or don’t eat the yellow snow. Probably the most important of the “never to be broken” rules is never, never, never date a co-worker! It’s just a disaster waiting to happen and then you’re out looking for a new girlfriend AND a new job. No thanks…

While it’s probably smart to avoid the pitfalls of office dating, let’s face it, guys aren’t that smart and we will break any rule to get what we want (and we all know what guys want). Its tough meeting women but the office provides a captive audience and plenty of opportunities to strike up a conversation. Plus, women at the office can “pre-qualify” you because they can see your place on the corporate ladder, determine your advancement potential, rate your potential to make all the other women envious if they dated you (never underestimate the power of jealousy among women), etc.

I’ve never dated a co-worker in my professional career so not even sure how I’d approach that special someone for the big question. I mentioned my hesitance to date a co-worker to GP once (he laughed) and he proceeded to regale me with tales of his prowess managing “relationships” with several women in the office pool. It was like hearing stories of the conquistadores looting and pillaging across the land…absolutely what a guy on the fence wants to hear! (Thanks GP)

Now that’s all fine and good if you’ve got some decent game but I have none….my game score is lower than the temperature during a Canadian winter. Outside of being a bit shy and socially awkward, I have no approach, no opening lines and am about as interesting as a physics lecture. What’s a guy to do to land that date with a co-worker with all these “handicaps”? I consulted the experts on how to start it?

The only problem with actually getting the date is the knowledge of the inevitable break-up that will surely occur (usually at the worst time). For the most part, breaking up can be handled with minimal disruption to your life if you follow some simple rules. But an office based break-up is something totally different all together because you WILL see this person every day. That’s a daunting prospect so better consult the experts again for advice on how to end it .

Given that I’ve had no luck in finding the Future Ex-Mrs. Esc these past 6 years or so, maybe I should break the rules and pursue an office romance. It the perfect plan except, I work from home 5 days a week. Oh well, guess its back to "Plan B".

Should I stay or should I go?

I’ve always held that certain things happen at exactly the right moment for a reason. I’m pretty clueless about the reason but it’s usually to teach me a lesson, open my eyes to the obvious or, in some cases, just to make me think.

I’ve been on the fence about moving to Asheville so it was time for a sign giving me some direction. It’s 80% “go” on the move but that last 20% is proving to be quite a challenge to overcome. I needed a sign…got one.

My story begins on a beautiful Friday morning as I was out running errands. I’d taken the day off work and decided to get new tires for the car so made a trip up the road to Mooresville. Always one to maximize efficiency, I also planned to stop at the Super Target next door to pick up a few random items.

I’m moving through the ST with shopping list in hand (super chunk peanut butter, mattress pad and a duffel bag) to keep me focused but I still got distracted. Somehow I ended up in the produce section where I saw HER. By her, I don’t mean the Future Ex-Mrs. Esc but the Past Almost Mrs. Esc Ex. It was a chance encounter six years in the making as she stood there with her Starbucks with me staring back holding a bunch of bananas. For a moment, I knew exactly how those deer feel when they wander out onto the Interstate after dark and get caught in the headlights...you just stand there unable to move even though you know you NEED to move.

This chance encounter was always destined to happen as we only live one town apart and shop in exactly the same places. It had been six years since our last meeting and I’d purposely started avoiding her part of town once a mutual friend told me she made the move. But today was supposed to be a “safe” day….she never takes days off as her love of work is almost on the same level as the way people love their kids! After rolling the dice for years, today was my day to crap out.

This whole situation raised a question we’ve all had to deal with at one point or another…”What do you say to an ex during that chance meeting?” I know a lot depends on how it ended but after six years neither should harbor any ill will or strong feelings. The high road would be a cordial (but oh so brief) conversation about meaningless things and how great life is at this very moment. The low road would probably be reduced to single words such as “Bitch” or “Bastard” accompanied by an evil scowl or look of disgust. In our most perfect moment, we took neither road and simply passed without saying a word.

I thought about it afterwards and wondered what I would have said if she had spoken. What if she asked about my personal life/status? Do you tell the truth about your current situation or make up the life you really wish you had? What do say to a person you spent 10 years with that doesn’t come off sounding like a veiled attempt to validate life is so much better without them? I guess the path of silence was really the high road after all.

I saw a sign that day and it said, “Bananas…$.29 a lb”. I also saw a sign that said “Now is a great time to go live somewhere else”. I guess I got more than a great deal on bananas.

One step closer...

In my last entry, I mentioned the one big “if” was selling my house. Well, there was another big “if”...whether work would be willing to let me flee Charlotte and still stay among the employed at XYZ Corporation. Without a job, the whole adventure would be a no go as I have virtually no hope of finding work in Asheville. Everything was riding on the outcome of the conversation.

I’m a “planner” (even when it seems like I’m being spontaneous) so I had this whole conversation in my head complete with selling points to counter any resistance. I brought up the topic with my manager and his reply, “No problem…I’ve heard Asheville is very nice”. Another hurdle down…

Now the only big “if” remaining is selling the house. Once it’s sold, adios Charlotte!

Esc poised to escape???

I’ve never been one for indecision but I’ve been contemplating a somewhat big decision for quite some time with no resolution. The pendulum swings way out to one side only to work its way back towards the center (status quo). There are a lot of factors to consider but I think I received a significant push away from the center today. The pendulum seems to be stuck over on “Go….NOW!”

I’ve always had a sense of restlessness and felt out-of-place…even in my own house. When I was a kid, I used to think about how my life could be so different (maybe better?) if I was only somewhere else. Given that I grew up in [name redacted], that’s not really a huge leap of faith to KNOW my life would have been better almost anywhere else. I can remember when people would move to the next town and others would be so envious they “got out”. It was suburban Alcatraz and I spent my days scavenging for old rain coats and glue to build my raft to freedom. Given how I felt in my formative years, it’s no surprise now that I’m feeling the undeniable urge to pull up stakes and start over some where else. The target destination is not yet finalized but the front runner is Asheville, NC.

Charlotte is not a bad place but it’s becoming more apparent everyday that’s it’s not the place for me. Maybe if I could meet a nice girl here I’d probably stay but, after 7 years, I seriously doubt any of “The One’s” resides anywhere near 28031. If they do, they must all be working undercover as other people’s girlfriend/wife as my last date was months ago with nothing on the horizon.

On some levels, a move to a new city gives me a chance to re-invent myself. I could be the person I’ve always wanted to be….shallow, vain and totally popular! Who am I kidding…I’ll never be popular but I’ve got some serious potential for the other two! Meatloaf was right when he said “two out of three ain’t bad”. I’d love to believe a new ZIP code could make everything perfect but I’m not so naïve as to think it would make me any less shy, socially awkward and neurotic (only plastic surgery can turn me into everything I ever wanted to be : )

The big “if” right now is selling my house. I bought into the whole “buy a house” racket so now I’m trying to figure out how to cash out of the suburban dream. I don’t regret buying my house because, at the time, it was never supposed to be just me. I look back and laugh (now) because it was the single worst time of my entire life yet I still had this unwavering hope that all would be OK. I should really place blame where it truly lies…with Milton Bradley. Had the relationship Magic 8-Ball been on target, I’d probably have rented a room at a hotel (on a weekly option) and spent the down payment on a Porsche.

I’ll be leaving some things here I’d like to take with me when/if I move but sometimes you have to take your chances on the unknown to find your happiness. Maybe I’ll succeed or I could fail miserably but I don’t ever want to feel the sting of bitter regret for never taking the chance. I’ve failed at everything I’ve every attempted but I’m not a failure…just experienced. One thing is true no matter how many times I fail, I’ll get back up to try again and I’ll never lose the hope that something better is right around the corner.

I'm Knocking...

What you drive says a lot about you as a person. From the soccer moms driving the urban assault vehicles to the old guys driving high-performance sports cars…everyone has their own style. But what do you do if you’re a guy buying a minivan?

I’ve got nothing against minivans but most guys wouldn’t go near a minivan for love or money unless the wife is pulling the strings. It seems Honda produced a commercial with a bit of subliminal hand gesturing to let guys who buy their minivan know exactly where they stand.




With the hand gesture alone, I’d say the point was to mock people who buy minivans but is it really a commercial trying to entice women to buy a minivan by playing on their sexual frustrations? The audio track paints a very different picture (of course, I couldn’t get a copy of it because who’s going to post a Honda commercial to YouTube?) but you’ll have to settle for a quick text version:

The commercial is for the year end clearance sale and the animated pitch man is named Mr. Opportunity. As the commercial ends, he says, “I’m Mr. O and I’m knocking” and then…the infamous hand gesture!

Who knows their intent but either way it’s fairly obscene (and funny) so have to ask where is Tim Winter of the Parents Television Council to protect us from this indecency? I bet he’s out buying a Honda minivan.

You Twit...

The world was rocked the other day when Twitter was victimized by a denial of service attack. Nations were at the brink of war, people panicked in the streets, lives were lost and, for a short period of time, we all experienced the end of the world. What? You weren’t aware Twitter was offline?

The whole social networking phenomenon is on the way out (you heard it here first) as it’s been played out. We are at the saturation point where it’s no longer a fun distraction but a daily chore to tell the world what you’re doing. I abandoned Facebook a while back and have ZERO regrets…haven’t missed it for one single moment!

The concept of Twitter always made me laugh as I’m keenly aware of how mundane daily life can be so why would anyone waste their life following the mundane of others peoples lives? My theory of “people with no life feel empowered/important by telling the world every detail of their life in hopes of being validated” has been proven true by Christina Chimino who said:

"I was pretty upset, actually. It feels like a lifeline for me ... Pretty much everyone knows almost every detail of my life by what I'm doing on Twitter."

I know nothing about her life but imagine it’s not filled with 24X7 excitement and glamour. I seriously doubt any of her “followers” were damaged by their inability to read that she was awake, having morning coffee, washing clothes, at the grocery, etc. The lingo of Twitter says it all…you’re a “follower”.

Other people seemed to echo how serious the blackout was on their lives by posting statements such as "I did absolutely nothing. It's like my heart was gone," and "I felt so empty inside”. If you sat around doing nothing and felt empty inside, here’s a suggestion: Get out and meet people, take a class, turn off your computer and go for a walk…anything but sitting around paralyzed because you can’t Tweet!

Now, I’m going to turn off my computer, get dressed and head to the trails for a 20+ mile ride complete with conversation with random strangers. I’ll return home, take a shower and clean the house before my dinner guests arrive. Then I’ll…oh, who cares!

Hooray for the B-Holes!

Once in a rare while a company creates a cool, cutting edge commercial and what’s the response of the American people? Ban it!

It seems Hardee’s has once again raised the ire of the NC conservatives with a commercial asking people to decide whether they like The A-Hole over the B-Hole. While it’s probably not the greatest commercial ever, it’s a breath of life in an otherwise bland, generic sea of advertising. When’s the last time you saw a commercial you actually remember?

I’ve long enjoyed the creativity of European commercials and wished I could see something like them on American television. It’s pretty weak that America has one day (Super Bowl Sunday) where we push the limits of the commercial but even this once proud day has been reduced to watered down spots no better than the everyday commercials. Maybe companies would take more chances if it wasn’t for people like this guy:

"The Hardee's marketing team seems intent on pushing the boundaries at every turn whether we're talking about 'iced B-holes' or the company's attempts at turning hamburgers into sex objects," said Parents Television Council president Tim Winter, in a statement. "Each and every local franchisee can and should object and every Hardee's customer has the right to patronize a more responsible fast food restaurant chain."

Responsible fast food chain? What the hell is he talking about? Given the nutritional value of the food they serve, I’d say pretty much anything you’d consume from any fast food place should be considered irresponsible. He's right about one thing...“every Hardee’s customer has the right” so maybe I'll exercise my right to enjoy some “frosty dippas” (although I’ll never buy any "Bisticules"! : )

Mr. Winter (and the other self-righteous protectors of my decency) should lighten up on Hardee’s and focus on more important things like finding real jobs and making meaningful contributions to society. They’d also be well served to remember no one likes the A-Holes!

Bumper Sticker Wisdom…

I received a call the other day from the Wisnerd and his opening line pretty much set the tone of the call…”OMG, you’re just not going to believe this”. He often starts his calls this way and never fails to deliver the goods as the most weird, unusual, improbable things happen to him. In keeping with past experience, he didn’t disappoint this time.

One thing you have to know about him is how much he stresses about money… I don’t mean worries a bit when things get tight but becomes completely obsessed with the topic to the point of developing all these plans like cashing in life insurance policies, selling furniture, etc. I’ll spare you all the details of the call but it seems he cashed out a life insurance policy to pay down some credit card debt only to discover the wife had gone behind his back and spent $1400 on botox injections (on the very card he was trying to pay down). Not sure I’ll ever know what it’s like to realize your life’s value (or at least policy face value) has been reduced to a temporary cosmetic procedure but quite positive it’s not something anyone really wants to experience.

In the course of our conversation, he mentioned his lack of “options” and how he was “stuck” in a relationship with no exit. It’s on this point I have to disagree because we have options in every situation…they may not be pleasant but we always have options. I’ve always marveled at how easily people give up or simply accept a situation without opening their minds to all the possibilities. It’s this acceptance that makes people believe they have no options when, in reality, they simply lack the will to act or the courage to “suffer” through the negative aspects of the other options.

Those calls always make me think about things in my own life (like how much I truly enjoy being single….or at least not married to someone who’s devoted her life to ruining mine) and times I’ve taken the easy way out for fear of the challenge/change. There is one defining moment in my life where I failed to act and I keep it in that deep, dark place inside to remind me fear of failure never stings as bitterly as regret.

I was thinking about the whole Wisnerd situation when I saw a truck with a bumper sticker proclaiming “Screw it…Live a little”. Most bumper stickers are stupid or boring but this one was right on the money. Life is too short to stay in a bad situation believing you have no other possibilities so figure out what you want and go get it! Maybe some people are content with living a little but I say "Screw it…live a LOT!”

Slacker...

I'm not usually so slack as to go weeks without updating the blog but here I am staring at ZERO entries for July. It's not that I don't have anything to say (quite the opposite...as usual) but short on time. The usual suspects (work, work, work) and a couple of other unexpected things (all good...don't get excited as none of them are dates) but planning to update this week so get ready! : )

50 is the new dead

As I get closer to 40, well-meaning people keep trying to tell me things like “40 is the new 30” and “you don’t look a day over 32”. That’s all fine and good if you believe it but I’m not taking the bait. Maybe I should since it seems 50 is becoming the new dead.

We’ve all heard the news about the death of Michael Jackson at age 50 from cardiac arrest (stay tuned for the inevitable revelation about some Hollywood doctor who over-prescribed meds) but breaking news just announced Billy Mayes has passed at age 50.

You know Billy Mayes even if you don’t know his name...he’s the pitch man for Oxyi-Clean and the co-host of the new show “Pitch Men”. The official news story mentions he hit his head during a rough plane landing (which may have contributed to his death) but what I want to know is “Where was the Sham-WOW guy?”

In my earlier post, I asked the all important question concerning Billy Mayes whereabouts while Vince was beating down his pay date but it was all in the name of humor…I’m sure Billy Mayes could care less about Vince. Knowing my blog reaches all corners of the world and has such influence, could Vince have stumbled upon it and taken my comments seriously? Hey Vince…it was a JOKE (much like your career and that jacket you were wearing at the ER).

Rest in peace Billy and Michael...50 is too young to head into sunset.

We are Motorhead…and we play Rock n’ Roll!

You’ve probably all seen (or maybe even read) one of those books on the 1000 places to visit before you die. That’s all fine and good if you’re rich and want to see really weird places but what about the 1000 things you should do before you die?

I’m sure the list would be unique to everyone but I’ve got an entry that should probably be on everyone’s list…seeing a live Motorhead show! I was lucky enough to catch them last year in NYC so checked that one off the list but swore I’d see them again…maybe even at the Wacken Festival.

Motorhead is a touring band and I was disappointed to see no US tour dates. My mind started to think about a trip to the UK to see them in Manchester (very cool!) but they are playing on Thanksgiving Day (bummer). Add in the fact I’ve made no travel plans and need to conserve cash for a trip out to SD later this year. As one who never gives up, I kept checking the page hoping for a break.

The break arrived this past Sunday as Motorhead announced a tour stop in Charlotte NC! Yes, the lads are going to be in my town for one night only and yours truly will be there to put a second check mark next to “See a live Motorhead show” on my life list. Tickets go on sale Friday at 10 AM EST and I plan to be in queue early to get my tickets.

Of course, I told the Wisnerd and he did exactly what I expected…started off excited and then started to find reasons to back out. I’d normally try to convince him but this time is different as I’ll go alone if I have to because I have to see the show. I wont be going alone this time even if the Wisnerd backs out…and my party guests will make the trip interesting indeed.

My neighbor (Solly) is also a Motorhead fan so picking up tickets for him. At his suggestion, I’ll be picking up a few extras as he knows several strippers who’d like to attend the show as well! Maybe I shouldn’t get a ticket for the Wisnerd as it means one less stripper for the group. Tough choice…could go either way!

The goal of the stripper entourage (besides hanging out with girls who take of their clothes at the drop of a hat) is to get us invited to the after party. Item 4 on the life list is to attend a Motorhead show but item number 3 is to party with the band (and get my picture made with Lemmy). I’ll do my part by getting the tickets and they can do their part by getting us all invited to the party. Sounds like a fair trade to me.

If you can’t make it to a show (with or without a stripper entourage), I highly recommend their concert DVD as it truly captures as much of the energy of the show as possible. The camera work is stellar as is the sound (only slightly edging out Tio’s Game for cinematography…nod to the GP!) and a steal at $15.

I’ll be a middle-aged guy at a rock concert but that’s OK because I may be getting older but I’m not dead…yet. I’ll continue putting checks next to the box as long as I can because they are Motorhead…and yes, they play Rock n’ Roll!

Photo Caption Contest #1

It's been awhile since the last post and I can blame it all on time off from work (blissful) and the subsequent return (torture). I was contemplating some weighty, insightful topic but decided on something a bit lighter...a photo caption contest!

Here's the photo:

Seems America's favorite airhead is satisfied by something "this big". Her brain? No...way too big. Her ego? No...way too small. The size of Todd's Alaskan 'pipeline'? Not even close. So what could it be?

Post your caption in the comments and I will select a winner! Of course, you get nothing for winning except being recognized as a winner. Here's my first caption to get things started:

"I once looked at the pictures in a book this big!"

Enjoy!

Mirror Mirror on the Ceiling...

One of my readers sent me an email today highlighting a problem that's become all too common in the workplace these days. I know Facebook and Twitter have made it socially acceptable to inundate the masses with the most mundane moments of your life but people are going way too far and it has to stop.

It seems my friend's co-worker (we’ll call him Bucky) was determined to provide a “status update” to the group although they wanted no part of it. Let’s set the stage by saying Bucky is the consummate emasculated male yet he preens like a peacock oblivious to his gelding. Not since Frat Boy have I seen such a blatant case of “people aren’t laughing at me…they are just jealous of my greatness” syndrome. When I meet people like this I crack a subtle smile….let the games begin!

Bucky was regaling all with details of his birthday weekend with his wife and their romantic interlude at a slightly above average business hotel. Of all the choices in lodgings, a business hotel is one step above getting a room at a Residence Inn (hey, that kitchenette might come in handy if you get hungry afterwards) and definitely NOT what you select if romance is on the agenda. The city has plenty of pretty nice places to take a date (or your wife…whoever is free for the night).

During the course of his verbal assault, he broke the unspoken rule…Too Much Information (TMI). No one wants to hear about a co-workers current illness, surgery, sexual conquest, STD, etc. but these people just start heading down the road with a smile on their face. Bucky shared with the group his disappointment the business class room was lacking in reflective surfaces known as mirrors. It seems this put a serious damper on his evening (Any bets the serious damper on the evening for his wife was his presence?). At least one of the many disappointments of the evening could have been avoided if he’d thought ahead and had this handy, little invention!

It promises the ability to “enjoy exciting reflections you’ve never seen before” which, according to the photo, is the ability to see yourself alone on the bed. There are few things I really want to watch myself do and none of them involve using a mirror-like reflective device attached to the ceiling. I’m still trying to figure how it stays on the ceiling since it appears to be hovering in the photo. Maybe I should be learning those ridiculous magic tricks to pick up girls…seems I’ll need the skill to make my mirror-like reflective device hover above the bed.

At $14.95, it’s a “must have”…especially since it comes with its own mail tube for easy transport. Too bad they stopped selling this back in 1977 as it’s a deal at twice the price! If I’d only had the foresight at age 8 to pick a couple of these up then I’d be set.

All hope is not lost as a quick search of the Internet brought the modern day equivalent of the portable mirror-like reflective device. It seems times have changed and ceiling mirrors have gone upscale complete with slick websites trying to make you think having a mirror on your ceiling is actually cool. I especially like the “smoke detector” installation mount (pure genius!) so people don’t know you’re a freak. Wish I’d known before I drilled the holes in my ceiling for the trapeze…is that TMI?

Anyway, I was on-board until I saw the price…$399! Good Lord, for $399 it better guarantee my view isn’t the ability to see myself alone on the bed…I get that for free. TMI?

And then there was one…

(Sorry for the delay in posting but had to deal with some of life’s little complications. Since none of them involve anything close to the words “won the lottery” or “you have to do my hot friend too” I’m not going to bother explaining)

Friendship…The ability to share a common interest(s) with others and the sense of connection make us all feel a bit better about our own existence and like we’re not alone in the world. I’ve always had issues with making new friends partly because I’m a bit distrusting but mainly because most people don’t value friendship the way I do…it’s become a disposable commodity of convenience for most.

When I first meet someone, I know immediately if he/she will get added to the list as a “friend”. Maybe I’m just a good judge of character or have a knack for seeing the true essence of people but I doubt it…most probable answer is the unexplainable forces of attraction in the universe that allow “like to find like”. No matter the reason; it’s an almost insurmountable task to be chosen but the select few make the grade (even though I doubt any of them really know how rare it is to be added to my list of friends).

Most of my friends have been gained through contract at the office since I used to spend a great deal of time working from the lowest floors of the highest towers of the XYZ Corporation. The work wasn’t the greatest but the people were and it made for moments of humor and levity during the often stressful times of my existence. My friends were the people who pulled me away from the less important work tasks and on to the things in life that really mattered such as an extended lunch with great conversation. The prospect of having lunch with the crew was often the sole reason for my appearance at the office on many occasions…OK, virtually every occasion!

The crew was always ready for a good time but like all good things, it couldn’t last…EP and The Dietz moved to Seattle, KB-H moved to the UK and The Commish was dealt an undeserved hand by lesser men. In the end, it was down to me and GP to uphold the lunch tradition but change was lurking in the shadows. GP made it official with an upcoming move to DC…and then there was one.

I’m incredibly happy for all my friends that life has given them new adventures (even though it means I now have to go and audition new people down on GWC 3 for lunch buddies….maybe Ali will have pity and let me hang with them?) and I’m still friends with each and every one of them. Time and distance doesn’t change friendship as inclusion on the list means inclusion for life…for better or worse.

To all my friends, I raise my glass and say “Cheers” until we all meet again.

I’m NOT sorry…

I’d planned to write some tame entry about graphology (Click here if you want to read the article) but after witnessing an unforgivable transgression against all manhood my mind was made up…it’s time to talk about the “Sorry for everything” syndrome which seems to be striking spineless men everywhere.

You’ve seen it before when some chump is apologizing to his girlfriend/wife for every single thing he does/says/doesn’t do/etc. even though he’s done nothing wrong…much less anything worthy of an apology. Every time I just want to walk up to this chump and say “Do you at least get to visit your manhood?” There’s no excuse for this behavior and no real man would tolerate it for even a second…especially from his significant other!

I’m not saying you should never apologize as some things merit a true and sincere apology such as telling your significant other her dress does make her look fat, spending your anniversary gift money at the strip club, etc. We (men), however, do NOT need to be apologizing for saying we don’t want to go shopping or looking at other women….it’s not natural and quite frankly, a crime against the rest of us who are true men.

We (my generation) are a generation raised by women which filled our minds with all the irrational bullsh*t and sensitivity nonsense but it had other, unintended side effects such guilt over meaningless things, a need to always be validated by word and action…in other words, it was an attempt to make us women. In the golden age, men acted like men and we didn’t apologize for acting as such. The time has come for all men to recapture this sense of self and end the “Sorry for everything” syndrome once and for all.

In today’s example, I was out at a local shopping plaza running a few errands when I spot the couple. A normal, average couple but I could tell he was broken from a mile away (guys know this look…the look of a man who just sleep walks through the days because he thinks he can’t do better and this is all life has to offer). He committed the unspeakable crime of not getting a cart for her purchases so he was dressed down (in front of other self-respecting men) for this transgression. His response? “I’m sorry….I’ll go get a cart”. WTF…are those your fake testicles hanging from the trailer hitch?????

The people in earshot just looked on while the other whipped men just starred at the ground in silent appreciation it wasn’t them…this time. I stared him dead in the eyes with a look of disdain reserved only for the lowest of the low. How could he let her do this without a word of protest? Was it to avoid creating a scene? Maybe it was fear of being “cut off”?

If he’s afraid she’ll revoke his access to the golden triangle then I’ve got some really bad news for him…she’d sleep with someone else in a second if he exhibited the traits of a real man! She’s with him because he’s been broken (i.e. he’s not going anywhere so he’s “safe” and available when SHE wants him) but she’d cheat in a second with a man who took control and, quite frankly, acted like a man! The chump gets exactly what he deserves for not taking control of the situation and re-introducing her to the man he should (and probably used to) be.

Being a man means something different to everyone but to me it means taking care of the people you love, being able to fix/build anything, standing up for what matters (even if it means getting your ass kicked), doing the right thing even if it’s not popular and most importantly, being true to yourself at all times. I’ve always adhered to these principles and maybe I’m a dinosaur, but I believe men need to be strong and take charge. This whole belief that men need to be compliant to their women is nonsense and something for the metrosexual man…which offends me to the see the word “man” even close to the word metrosexual.

To apologize for living by the man code is absurd and I, for one, will never apologize for anything as meaningless as not getting a cart…I’ll save my apologies for something worthy of an apology. You might condemn this entry as sexist, chauvinist, etc. and to that I say “I’m a man and damn proud of it!”….and NO, I’m not sorry!

You can’t hurry love…no, you’ve just got to wait and wait and wait

There’s an old adage that love finds you when you least expect it. Maybe that’s true but I’m getting pretty damn tired of waiting around for it to catch up with me! Part of it’s my fault but some of it’s beyond my control…or is it?

I’m a risk taker in all aspects of life so not afraid to take a chance to find the right person. Only a man determined to find love would chart his course based on the prison pen pal program (which would have worked except they kept raising the cost of stamps!) and then Russian mail order brides to ultimately end up at The Fish. These are not the actions of a shrinking violet but a man taking charge of his destiny!

The sound of ticking clocks made Neenah Pickett decide to set a deadline to find a husband…52 weeks. There just seems to be something wrong with the idea of placing a time limit on finding “the one”. Finding love is hard enough so does anyone really need the added pressure of a self-imposed deadline? I say no but understand her sense of urgency…I also hear the ticking of the clock as I careen headlong towards 40 (T-minus 106 days and counting) and the magic moment when my odds of ever marrying are reduced to less than 10%.

I’d also be afraid to pick the wrong person simply to meet the deadline because I hate to fail at anything (which is humorous because I’ve failed at almost everything at least once…usually twice). If I did pick the wrong person then maybe the next experiment could be called “Losing love in 52 weeks” or maybe “Losing half of all my stuff in 52 weeks”. Even if I failed, it would mean I succeeded if only for a short time…much better than my recent dating adventures .

I’m not down on dating as I’m in a very good place and happy with my life as it exists now. Would I like more? Sure…who wouldn’t but I’m not going to turn into a pumpkin if the clock strikes 12 at the end of the 52nd week and I’m still checking the single box.

The Hundredaires Club…

Only idiots believe reality TV isn’t staged…yet people continue to watch all these stupid shows. I’m the last to call myself a "television intellectual" (oxymoron?) but I’ve got no interest in who can survive on an island full of people in a staged setting. You want an interesting version of Survivor, put a handful of criminals on the island (full of hidden cameras to record the action) and tell them the last man standing gets a full pardon…you’ll get reality!

I have an idea for a show but who really wants to watch me travel all over the world striking out with women from all nationalities? EVERYONE! The world loves a loser (especially a lovable one) because he embodies all of our own insecurities and fear that we hide so deep inside. The only thing that could ruin my idea is actually finding Ms. Right for Me….because then the show would be over. Who wants to watch a happy couple?

Since my show is probably not going anywhere, I checked out another dating/relationship show…The Millionaire Matchmaker. What a completely ridiculous show as it’s basically rich, shallow guys’ looking for young, supermodel girls (hereafter called gold diggers”) paying the host to make connections in hopes of finding true love. Call me jaded and cynical but what kind of love can you get from a woman who basically says “the only thing I care about is the size of your bank account”? Probably pretty hot, dirty, kinky love…the kind that makes you ashamed to look in the mirror afterwards but counting the minutes until you can do it again. It’s true…if you’re not ashamed then you’re not doing it right!

Intrigued by the sheer awfulness of the show, I checked out the website and wasn’t disappointed. For the ladies, the membership is FREE but they reserve the right to turn you down if you don’t meet their standards. What exactly are their standards? Try this photo of actual members (says so in the fine print!) and see if you measure up?

If you’re not quite up to standards, never fear as they offer all sorts of help…

In addition to offering a complimentary membership to women, the Millionaires Club works closely with a leading psychologist, relationship counselor, date coach, hypnotherapist, and image consultant, as well as with a variety of top-notch personal trainers, plastic surgeons, dentists, and hairstylists.

Nothing like having a staff of plastic surgeons, dentists, image consultants, etc. on stand-by to ensure that no part of the real you ever emerges and ruins things. Call me out-of-touch or old-fashioned but whatever happened to falling in love with someone else because you liked them just the way they are…imperfections and all?

Imperfections are not the specialty of the Millionaires Club and they have a 742 word disclaimer on the site letting you know they guarantee nothing except that you will pay them for their service. Of course, most millionaires can find women on their own (gold diggers know where to dig!) but what if you’re a few dollars short and want to meet rich, shallow women?

If you are a non-millionaire man and would like to register to date a millionairess, please contact MC (via e-mail only)

You’re going to have to work for the meal ticket as there’s more fine print…

In order to be considered for a non-millionaire membership you must have the application filled out entirely with a signature and also have professional photos taken by a professional photographer in a studio format. Please note: An MC representative will only contact you once we have a suitable match for you and filling out a registration form does not guarantee any potential member a date with a member of the service.

Seems like a lot of work with no guarantee on a return. Hmmm…that sounds suspiciously like dating! Of course, you’ll notice there is no free ride for men as even the poor have to pay a fee to meet rich women (who want nothing to do with them). If it doesn’t work, there’s a no refund policy…now that sounds suspiciously like marriage!

Let’s see what I’d have to pay…

$25,000 US dollars for a year of unlimited dating nationally throughout the US/Canada
1 hour date coaching session with the dating coach in your area
1 hour relationship counseling session with the relationship counselor in your area
1 hour image consulting session with the image consultant in your area
1 hour hypnotherapy session with the hypnotherapist in your area

Looks like 4 hours of talking to people and a chance to search their database for matches. Last time I checked there were TONS of Internet sites with far more people in the dbase for so much less…or FREE. To put this in perspective, you could purchase 835 months of service (or 69.5 years) on Match for the same price! Of course, you also get the personal sessions but not sure what I’d learn in the 1 hour sessions outside of my need to work on my dating skills, my failure at every relationship and the fact I have no image…I don’t even cast a reflection anymore.

Now, if you’re ready to step up then you can spend another $30,000 and they will personally search the world for people matching your criteria. Wonder if they could find a woman willing to pay the fee for me? I thought the $10K fee for Russian mail order brides was a bit much…looking more like a bargain every second!

At $55,000, I can’t afford love…or least the kind they’re selling at the Millionaires Club. My price range gets me the kind of dating service with meetings at the Stuckey’s (a truck stop favorite) and an after-party mixer at the massage parlor. At least this deal guarantees you something…even if it's only an itch that won’t go away.

Who is this Mr. Nice Guy?

Dating is a relatively enjoyable experience once you’re established…it’s initially finding the person that’s complicated, frustrating and often disappointing (not to mention expensive). People always seem to be interested in everyone but the person who’s interested in them! There’s nothing wrong with this as no one should “settle” for “Mr./Ms. Not-Nearly-Good-Enough” simply to avoid being single. My biggest issue is trying to find women who appreciate my “type” as it seems very few women do.

Imagine my surprise when I read that Jennifer Love Hewitt is all about geeks! Of course, if it hadn’t said she liked geeks in the title I’d have never clicked on it! It was a proud and momentous day in Geekdom the likes of which has not been known since the days following the release of “Revenge of the Nerds”. For a fleeting moment, it seemed possible for an average guy to date a beautiful woman but then reality comes crashing back down as she is only ONE person…and taken. (Before the masses cry out “Shallow!” for the beautiful comment, I’ll say physical beauty is relative to the person and most “evolved” men are looking for much more than just a pretty face and a size 0 body…myself included)

I’ve always prided myself on being a decent guy who treats others with respect but I’m always worried it will lump me in to the “Nice Guy” category which is the kiss of death in dating. The biggest problem with the Nice Guy tag is how it’s become synonymous for boring. The reality is treating other people with respect has nothing to do with being boring (it’s a totally different trait) but most people mistake decency for weakness (again…another totally different trait). Of course, the media perpetuates the misclassification with articles like this one with a clingy, needy guy who is or isn’t a nice person…yet they call him Mr. Nice Guy.

As you’re probably noticing, this topic elicits a strong reaction because I’m tired of being lumped into this category because I treat people with respect. I’m not discouraged because I know there are women out there who want to be treated with respect and as an equal. Of course, none of them appear to live anywhere near Charlotte so maybe it’s time to take my show on the road?

My friend V keeps telling me to make the trip to LA as I’d be the catch of the day. I’ve always laughed it off but maybe there's something to it? I was surfing channels the other night and came across “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo (curse cable for giving me 40 channels to choose from after a life with no cable) featuring a social party for singles in Hollywood. My curiosity got the best of me and I watched a few minutes. I was totally shocked…even rich people are socially inept like me and have trouble meeting people! OMG…what happened to money making everyone beautiful?

I was especially interested to see one millionaire mention he didn’t want a woman over 35 only to see him chat up a very nice 45 yr old woman with obvious signs of interest. I didn’t hang out for the end of the show but the host commented on how he’d probably drop her when he found out her age. I’m thinking he’s 45 and never married so maybe he better get past himself. He may own a hotel and be rich but he’s still an ass. Of course, he’ll probably still do well because being an ass is better than being a nice guy any day of the week in the dating game as far as I can tell.

I’m seriously thinking LA may be my best chance because I’m not looking for 22 and perfect…I’m looking for 32-42 yrs old and normal! Marianne Sierk once commented about her lack of dating success in LA because she was over 30 and a size 6 so I decided to check her web page to see what is “undateable” in LA:



Seriously, book my trip right now! She’s not only attractive but funny, witty and personable. If you happen to read this Marianne, I’ll definitely buy you a loaf of bread if we run into each other at the grocery store…thanks for the best pick up line ever ; ) For more Marianne, check out her series on Bud TV…very funny.

I don’t want anyone to get the idea that all women are attracted to jerks (most women who’ve had serious, long-term relationships are looking for decent guys…they married the jerks first time around!) but you have to admit the cocky, jerk guys seem to have the most immediate success. The few times I’ve employed this approach it’s been met with ridiculous levels of success so maybe nice guys do finish last? Maybe so but I’ll be at the end of the line waiting for the last of the nice girls…we’ll be a perfect match.

At least my resume isn’t fake…

It seems the whole world is obsessed with how they look regardless of whether you live in a big city or the middle of nowhere. I’ve come to expect a certain level of shallowness and vanity in people (especially in the girls I date) but something is definitely wrong when career “experts” start trying to sell job seekers on the idea that looks beat experience in a competitive market.

I had to laugh when one of the surgeons in the article mentions “employers naturally tend to go to a person who looks fresher and younger, despite who is better qualified” and how cosmetic surgery “has become a necessity for some”. That’s probably true if you sell copiers, long-distance or your gig involves a stripper pole but the majority of jobs require a bit more skill and experience.

Let’s put the surgeon’s theory to the test:

You’ve been told you need life-saving surgery and must choose between two surgeons….one is ultra-hot but has no experience and the other is plain but very experienced. Who are you going to choose?

I’d choose “experience” for the surgery but would get the hot girl’s digits for later. OK...I'd probably try to get both their numbers.

I’m constantly dismayed by the lack of ethics from plastic surgeons as they try to sell how changing your physical appearance will make you a better person, give you more confidence, self-esteem, etc. Given they profit from the transaction, their motives are crystal clear (although I find it funny that 15 years ago they used to disclaim that surgery would NOT increase your self-esteem or make you feel better about yourself…welcome to the power of the dollar!).

The fact doctors now endorse cosmetic procedures is disturbing to me because it lends some credibility to the whole affair. It’s not like receiving those anonymous spam emails for penis enlargement which don’t work...well, we know they don't work now. I used to hate opening my inbox as it was always full of those emails...finally had to tell my girlfriend to stop forwarding them to me!

The article also mentions spending money for surgery can help increase your salary so let’s look at a real-life example. A friend was working for Company A making $75K (before bonus) a year. She opted to get breast enlargement for $4K and subsequently took a position at another company for $32K (no bonus). I’m no math genius but looks like a 50% pay cut after spending $4K for the surgery! The only person who could sell that kind of math as a “gain” is my broker and I plan to discuss his math skills if he'll ever return my calls.

I’ll never have cosmetic surgery just to get a job for two reasons. First, I really don't care that much about my career to actually suffer for it...I'm a professional nerd not an artist! Second, I'm hands down the best looking of my peer group which is both interesting and terribly frightening (remember, I'm a professional nerd).

I'm quite happy with the way I look and see no reason to mess up a good thing. Besides, long before I became the skilled professional of current day, I had a lucrative gig as a “before” model and that's one profession that will always be looking for average, normal guys like me!

Witness Protection Program

It happened again…now I’m sure something serious has been going on and I just didn’t notice. I’m usually very observant but all the seemingly random events can’t be a coincidence since the outcome is always the same. How could I have missed all the signs?

The whole issue started a few years ago when my last relationship ended and I started dating again. Things were a bit slow but I always seemed to meet women and managed a date or two. None of them worked out and I never really thought about it until recently….when it happened again!

If you’re a frequent reader then you know I recently met a very nice girl (we’ll call her Delilah) and embarked on yet another foray into the world of dating. Everything seemed to be going well as we shared some laughs and dinner but then it happened…she disappeared!

Was she abducted by aliens? Did she volunteer to be the “audience participant” in a magic show gone wrong? Oh no….maybe it was a serious accident resulting in 10 broken fingers so she couldn’t call back? I like to think she was forced to join the witness protection program…knowing she’d love to call me to say good-bye but can’t for her own safety.

When it first happened years ago I thought it was just a case of these girls being flakes but this pattern tells me it’s something much more sinister. I know I attract a certain type of woman (i.e. crazy, rude, self-centered, manic, narcissistic, vain, shallow, etc.) but Delilah wasn’t anything like that so knew something else must be happening when she failed to return the call…she’d never just disappear unless she was forced because she’d never be ”that girl”.

This new knowledge is already taking a toll on my dating prospects as I passed a beautiful woman at the Harris-Teeter this afternoon but didn’t dare return the smile. How could I live with myself if yet another woman had to turn her life upside down simply because she chose to go out to dinner with me? It’s just too much to bear knowing the danger associated with being my date for the evening.

Maybe I’m wrong about the whole witness protection thing but what other reason could there be? Just like getting someone’s name tattooed on your body, this is a very limiting move for me as I can now only pursue girls that I want to disappear from my life. Thankfully, I have an entire list to choose from…

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

My last post on the ShamWOW! / Slap Chop Guy just seemed incomplete so I did some more digging to see what other skeletons Vince has in his closet….because you know he does! Of course, maybe this was an unfortunate incidence of bad luck since he used all his good luck (and probably some of ours too!) getting rich selling crap to people who've never heard of microfiber or a chef's knife.

Beyond telling us all how much we’ll “love his nuts” and say “Sham-WOW!” every time we use his towel, Vince also has a religious side as he took a course on Personal Values and Integrity through the Church of Scientology back in 1991. Maybe they should have offered a course on “Negotiation/Money Management” as no one pays $1000 for “straight sex” from a street walker….unless you’re planning to do her 10 times! If Vince could pull that off in a single night then “ShamWOW” indeed!

The other obvious question is why would anyone kiss a prostitute on the mouth (or anywhere else)….especially at the END of the evening? Odds are Vince was NOT her first customer of the evening which ups the “EWWW Factor” to a whole new level. Maybe for the $1000 he wanted the “girlfriend” experience? Of course, if he wanted the girlfriend experience then he'd have to buy an expensive dinner and still wouldn't get laid. Who knows but I’m sure his Mother will think twice next time he leans in to kiss her goodbye.

In my original draft for the other post, I included a line about how Vince should’ve used the $1000 for self-defense classes at the YMCA (I took the line out of the original post as it didn’t “fit”) but I must publicly take back my posted comment about him “flailing his girl-y man arms” as he landed some solid shots. I found the following pictures on TMZ and will warn you now they’re not pretty:


Ouch! You have to hit someone incredibly hard (in the center of the nose) to blacken both eyes...and rupture the vessels in the eyes.

Close-up view of the damage. The scabby thing on the side of her mouth looks like it's been there a while so let's ratchet up the EWWW Factor another notch.

Seems when Vince got finished with her face he went for a body shot.

Seriously, this seems very excessive to get her to release his tongue given he could've accomplished that by simply pressing his thumb in the space above her collarbone in the soft tissue of the neck....the mouth will open with only moderate pressure since you can't breath. (If you choose to test this out...please do NOT press with force as you can seriously injure yourself and I can't afford to lose any readers).

The shot to her face was an overhand right and would've been very difficult to land if she was inches from his face...maybe a parting shot once he was free? Besides, striking her in the face while she was biting his tongue would only increase the risk of her biting all the way through. Trust me, no man wants a women (or anyone else) to "bite through" anything attached to his body.

Only these two know what really happened but one thing is for sure...his so-called career is over and her's is just getting started. Is that Larry Flynt calling???

Author's Note: The subject of violence against women is very serious and no part of this entry should be construed as justification (or defense of) inflicting injuries of this severity on anyone regardless of her chosen profession.

You're gonna love my nuts…

In the era before TARP regulations took away all incentive to over-achieve, top performers could win very cool trips at XYZ Corporation as “recognition” for your hard work and achievement. Yours truly won the award last year and I often think about the week in South Beach…especially when things are not going so well. After a very long (and tough) week at the office, my thoughts drifted back to SoBe nightlife so coincidence I found this story?...I think not. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present a cautionary tale involving almost sex, some minor violence and the super absorbent ShamWOW!

What do these three seemingly disparate things have in common? Vince Schlomi! Who? You probably don’t recognize the name but he’s the guy from the ShamWOW! and the Slap Chop commercials. It true the ShamWOW can hold 20 times its weight in liquid and it’s made in Germany but it’s equally true that no matter how hard you try the ShamWOW will not get you laid. If it could, every man in the world would own a ShamWOW….probably two.

Seems Vince struck up a deal with a prostitute for “straight sex” for $1000. No one pays a $1000 for straight sex from a girl they met in a club…you’ve got to want something “special” for that kind of coin (and I doubt it was “bite my tongue”). Let’s see what $1000 will get you from a SoBe professional:


Wait….this picture is from 2005 when she first got busted for prostitution. Notice the gown is on backwards and inside out…nothing like those rookie mistakes on your first bust. Here’s a recent picture:


Time has not been kind as she now looks more like what you’d find 3 blocks over on Washington Ave for about $950 less…including the tongue biting fee! After seeing this photo, I'm definitely not saying ShamWOW...more like ShamWHY would you pay for it? Although, to her credit, she learned from previous prison fashion mistakes and has the gown on correctly this time…practice makes perfect!

Of course, Vince’s arrest photo is a disaster too…seriously, she kicked his a**!


(I especially like the faux fur collared jacket over the hospital gown…player represent!)

While he was getting his a** kicked by a prostitute, I picture him screaming, “ShamOWWWW!” as he flailed his girl-y man arms (Proof positive the Slap Chop does NOT keep your pimp hand strong). What would cause her to do this? Maybe she bought a ShamWOW only to discover the name should have stopped at sham? Maybe she was paid to do it…Where was Billy Mayes when this was happening? The truth may never been known...and we'll never really care.

Of course, this whole debacle could have been much worse if she listened to his Slap Chop tagline…”You’re gonna love my nuts!” Sorry Vince but doubt anyone loves your nuts….unless you pay them.

Pro-V Superstar...

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you’re walking through a TV commercial? It’s like when I was walking down Madison Avenue and ran into the Burger King…big plastic head and all! I had one of those moments the other night when I met the Pro-V Superstar…we’ll call him Sampson.

It was a cloudy Thursday evening when Sampson walked in with a small group of people. He was part of the group but separate at the same time…somehow different, better than the rest. It was his shoulder length, shiny, black hair. Dress codes be damned…he wasn’t afraid to show the Man his contempt for the well-groomed in the workplace.

I didn’t pay much attention to him at first but that soon changed as the group started scoping out seats right across from me. Normally, I don’t care but tonight was different as I couldn’t afford to be distracted…No, tonight I needed space and I definitely didn’t need to see Sampson sitting right across from me with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair.

My date for the evening (We’ll call her Delilah) sensed the impending doom of having this band of miscreant, bed-wetting, momma’s boys sitting near us and quickly moved a bag to make space for them at the other end of the bar. Crisis averted but here’s where things get interesting!

Out of the blue, Sampson proceeds to flip his hair like a supermodel (a FEMALE supermodel)! I could only think of the old Pantene commercials from the 90’s where she throws her hair back while running her hands down the length. He mirrored her motion but couldn’t stop at once, not twice, not even three times but an amazing five times! If this act of self-love had gone on any longer it would have required a parental advisory sticker.

On the fifth flip, he was ready to take on the world with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair securely behind his ears…just like when he walked in! He was on the prowl but, unfortunately for him, the place was virtually empty. Maybe his goal was to impress Delilah? Somehow, I don’t think it worked.

Let’s fast forward to the end of the evening as I met Sampson (alone) outside smoking a cigarette in the rain. I passed by on my way back into the night but not without saying, “Love the hair…I absolutely love the hair”. Was this beginning of a man crush much like EP’s “mush” for the Barilla guy? Probably not but given how hard he’d tried to impress everyone with his shoulder length, shiny, black hair he deserved a moment of recognition (validation?).

I couldn’t help but think about how he’d have been famous in the 90’s had he known kung-fu or maybe lived in Seattle and started a band. No man needs real talent when he has shoulder length, shiny, black hair. Maybe he would have gotten his own Pantene commercial? Maybe he could have gone over to L’Oreal? Sounds reasonable because we all know he’s worth it!

Cool as Ice...

Just when you think it’s gone for good, you start to see them everywhere. Hiding out in the shadows or right out front in a crowd of people…it’s there. I’m talking about the unfortunate hair style choice known as the mullet. It’s back and scarier than ever.

I’ve been horrified (and humored) by the mullet for years. How something so absurd could be so loved by people even when it invites ridicule is beyond comprehension. Maybe it’s the “business up front…party out back” attitude or maybe it’s a signal (like a secret handshake) most normal people aren’t aware of yet. No matter the answer, I was almost convinced it had reached the point of extinction…until Friday night.

GP and I went down to NoDa for the gallery crawl to check out some art and maybe a band or two. The night was going well until we decided to stop at this bar to see the band setting up. The band was noting special (I seriously expected the keyboardist/singer to break into Styx’s Renegade at any moment…and it would have been an improvement!) but then HE hit the stage. Sporting a vintage AC/DC shirt (along with 40 extra pounds) and a second hand bass, he brought the classic skullet out for our entertainment. His love of the skullet told me he's a true believer in following your own way…even if it means walking around in circles for hours on end.

As entertaining as the skullet was on Friday night, I figured it was a one off good for a laugh (and believe me….GP and I laughed!). To my horror, I opened the e-version of my local paper to be greeted with the newest mullet type…the Urban Mullet!


This young man (Donnie Wayne Champagne…say it S-L-O-W-L-Y) is on the cutting edge of hair style by bringing us a totally new, never before seen version of the mullet. One commenter on the board summed it up by saying “Michael Jordan up front with Bob Marley out back”. Another asked if it was a dreadlock wig sliding off his head. Of all the posts, everyone mentioned the hair while very few discussed the fact he had a loaded gun at school. Guess cool hair trumps a felony any day of the week.

To compliment his progressive hair style, he also added the extra touch of partially shaving off his eyebrows. The article mentioned it’s a “gang sign” but I think the origin is much less threatening.


Yes, I brought out the original, partially shaved eyebrow guy…Vanilla Ice! While he didn’t sport a mullet he probably should have since it couldn't be any worse than the cut above. He’s currently sporting tattooed letters on each finger that spell out “Wide Open”. My choice for him would have been “Real Dumb”. Of course, maybe I’m a bit jealous as he NEVER has to work again while I’ll being getting up bright and early tomorrow for…work. Maybe I should be the one getting the “Real Dumb” tattoo?

Catch of the Day....Part II

Well, The Fish is proving to be a disappointment in terms of meeting women but a great place to find material for the blog. I’m constantly amazed at what people will write about themselves (and the accompanying photos) knowing it will all be available to anyone who surfs the site. These people aren’t afraid to put it out there…even if they really don’t know they are putting it out there.

This Example is direct and to point (whatever the point is?) by stating up front all the things she hates. From Christians to country music to people who don’t use colloquialisms and expletives in their speech. Colloquialisms? That’s a big word…like gymnasium. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete if she didn’t detail her own “hang-ups”. Seems she really hates old men (unless they look young) so doubt she’s going to be the newest member of Together Christian even though our guy is “Certified” and probably not only knows what a colloquialism is but actually uses them on a daily basis (like every other speaking human being).

As an added bonus, she is using the Fish as a means to secure work as a voiceover artist with an enticing resume of being able to do about “30 cartoon snippets”. I don’t know of too many shows that need a Christian hating, 80’s New Wave listening, expletive dropping cartoon character but, then again, Fox hasn't revealed their new Sunday night lineup yet.

This one is a classic example of how the background can outshine the subject of the photo. Example 2 took the question “Do you have a car?” to heart and made sure it was included in the picture in case anyone chose to doubt her honesty. Nothing says “Southern pride” more than a late 90’s Camaro parked under a tree on a summer day. The profile is great too and I applaud her for calling out that she loves beaching. Seems all the women I meet love beaching too…beaching about their ex, beaching about their friends, beaching about their lives, etc.

I’ve saved the best for last as this one has so much happening I’m not sure I can cover all the bases. Normally, most women hide "Crazy" but not this one….she embraces the moment and just bombards all with one red flag after another. Profession is listed as psychotic poet and her interests are as diverse as magic to the paranormal to MMA to qigong with too many more to mention. In a special nod to my friends in the Pacific Northwest, the link for qigong goes back to a bunch of profiles…all in Washington state! I swear it was a great place when I was there and it rained like 2 day a week…tops! : )

I’m losing faith in the Fish but keep casting a line in the hope of finding the catch of the day.

Catch of the Day...

It’s a well known fact that I attract crazy women…like swirling eye, bunny-in-a-pot kind of crazy. Things always start out very normal but, somewhere along the way; the real personality emerges and she proudly declares, ‘I’m crazy…” as I struggle to keep the car on the road.

I’m still conducting the Fish Experiment although I’ve had very little time to actually search out new catches. I did log on for a few minutes the other night to kill time and decided to click on one of the random profiles that appear when you access the site. I was not disappointed as I was greeted with the following picture:

I guess you can say the “writings on the wall” so to speak. I’m all for truth in advertising (especially in dating) but I probably wouldn’t advertise I’m a crazy bitch on my underwear and then post pictures of myself in said underwear on a public website.

Of course, if you’re going tell the world you’re a Crazy Bitch then writing it on your underwear is probably better than the following option:

Sometimes I wonder if people really forget tattoos are permanent or just make unfortunate choices in ink . I picture her telling the artist she wants Crazy Bitch in block letters on her lower back….only to get Crazy Bitch written on blocks! The only thing that could possibly make this better is if the artist had left off the “B” and she was left with a “Crazy Itch".

My friend has a saying passed down from his father…”They (women) are all crazy…you just got to find one who’s less crazy than the rest”. I think there’s some truth to the statement (just as there is truth in the stereotypes of men) but you can’t let the prospect of crazy keep you from looking for Ms. Right. Of course, if you find “crazy” then hopefully it looks like picture one : )

Return to Sherwood Forest...

For those long time readers, you’ll remember back in October I penned an entry titled Obama of Sherwood Forest talking about why socialism is the absolute wrong path for any society that values hard work and achievement. I’m the first to agree on the need for social programs to help those less fortunate get back on their feet but at what point do we (the responsible parties) say “Enough is enough!”

The economy's in the toilet…no eloquent way to state the obvious. The unbridled greed of the past few years has caught up with our society and now we pay the price…or do we? Depends on who you are…

President Obama has unveiled a new plan to help people keep their homes provided they weren’t speculators or people who borrowed amounts they could never repay. To that point, it seems the administration is at odds based on the following quote from Ben Bernanke:

Defending the program Tuesday at a Senate hearing, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said it's important to save those who made bad calls, for the greater good. He likened it to calling the fire department to put out a blaze caused by someone smoking in bed.

"I think the smart way to deal with a situation like that is to put out the fire, save him from his own consequences of his own action but then, going forward, enact penalties and set tougher rules about smoking in bed."

I’m horribly disturbed by the above statement as it basically says, “You were irresponsible but the taxpayers are going to save you and then make sure those evil banks/mortgage companies don’t do this to you or some other unsuspecting person ever again”. Where are the consequences for the people who were irresponsible? They will be rewarded with a mandatory rate reduction (as well as principle reduction) while every responsible homeowner will bear the burden of financing this program as will their children and possibly their children. The lesson to be learned is hard work and fiscal responsibility is the surest way to ensure you have nothing…except the bill for saving the irresponsible!

The common argument I hear about this stance is “People need a place to live so stopping foreclosures will ensure people aren’t on the street”. This position has little merit as people who are foreclosed on have the option of getting an apartment they can afford. It’s not their $800K house but it’s an affordable roof over their head. What if the person is unemployed and being foreclosed on? These are the situations where people do need help but not in the form of modifying their loan…they have NO money to pay the loan even if the terms are adjusted. Somewhere along the line, people began to believe homeownership was a right and not a privilege. It’s most certainly a privilege and should be reserved for those who’ve sacrificed, saved and live well within their means…not those who simply said “I deserve this” with no means to repay the loan.

There are plenty of bad guys in the economic meltdown so not letting bank/mortgage companies off the hook but if people had not signed up for loans they couldn’t afford then the banks wouldn’t have been able to leverage this enormous mountain of consumer debt in the form of CDO’s and CDS’. Banks were all too happy to write the loans with little more than a scrap of paper and wink to people who never had a chance of ever being able to afford the payments on the loan once the rates adjusted. The greed of the nation drove a short-term gain in the market at the expense of a generation’s wealth.

I’m also to blame for the economic meltdown…as are you if you’ve ever invested any money in the market. As an investor, my share of the blame comes in the form of the ever-increasing demands for greater profits from the corporations. The thought of continuous growth is a fallacy as all things have finite potential and corporate profits are not exempt. Every quarter the company has to show a “gain” or the stock is deemed stagnant and the price begins to fall (almost immediately). The only option for the corporation is to create new revenue streams which usually come with a trade-off in risk exposure. The old system of dividends for long-term, consistent management has been replaced by the need to see immediate, double digit returns by close of business which isn’t sustainable…a lesson we seem to forget every time the market takes us to school.

So what’s left for those of us who played by the rules? An interest rate reduction? Maybe a principle reduction? Not likely to happen as there is no incentive to help us because we’ll continue to pay and pay and pay holding onto the archaic concept of personal responsibility.

On the topic of responsibility, I’m also disturbed by the comment:

Abess demonstrates the kind of "responsibility" the president has called for from high-profile financial CEOs, the White House said. (Click here for the entire article).

The ‘responsibility’ mentioned in the article is actually a redistribution of wealth from the former CEO to people who worked for the company. Taken in the context of the recent infusion of government capital into financial institutions, the seeds are being planted for long-term government intervention in our financial systems with rewards being distributed from the company to the poor….at the expense of the taxpayer.

In this new, modern day Sherwood Forest, those who’ve played by the rules will get to see redistribution…only this time it will be the debt of the irresponsible redistributed to the responsible. Makes emigration to a small Caribbean nation look better every day!

Everyone’s your friend…

Why does everyone think they’re your friend on Facebook…even if they don’t know you? I’ve wondered how long it would take and it finally happened…I was forced to “friend” a co-worker or risk the consequences at the office. I wouldn’t have minded this if it was say “Brown Dress” who sent the invite but no such luck…it’s a co-worker I don’t really know (or care to know).

I started using Facebook to connect with my existing friends. For the most part, it was a success as I learned more about people I already knew and was able to share a bit more of my life with them. That’s the value of Facebook and it gave me the opportunity to share my life in ways I couldn’t in the past. Now that’s over and I’m pissed!

My Facebook profile used to contain a link to the blog but it’s gone now because of a single person. The co-worker isn’t a bad person (I really don’t know her at all) but I can’t “be myself” any longer because now I have to worry about something getting back to other people in the office. What if I decide to post my current status as “Looking for action” or post a picture of myself with some of the girls I meet (Yes, I actually do meet girls...some I don't even have to pay). It would set a world record in terms of office gossip and would end my so-called career at XYZ Corporation. Who knows…I may get lucky and nothing would happen (reference the infamous incident involving Frat Boy and 'The Captain') but wouldn’t place any bets on that outcome.

I knew it was a matter of time because everyone in my office is on Facebook…even Sr. Management. I’m constantly amazed at how many subordinates invite their manager to be “friends”. Maybe they think it insulates them from ever having to hear bad news because they’re Facebook friends? No such luck as the lay-offs continue whether your FB friends or not! Or maybe it’s because these people are so freaking boring they don’t care if their manager has details of their personal life? My life is NOT boring and my executive would surely cringe if he read about my exploits/opinions/blog.

I’m not ranting…just disappointed that something working so well could be ruined by one person. Now my FB profile is relegated to just being a place to learn more about my friends while I post nothing about myself. Maybe I should wait a few weeks and then “unfriend” the new addition? Doubtful she will ever look at my profile after the initial viewing so she’d never know. The fact I have to think this much about the situation is just sad.

Maybe it’s time to sign off Facebook? Will I miss out on important info like Becker buying an Odyssey minivan this past weekend? Or cool pics of my co-worker who has a beer can in her hand for every single photo? Or the update from the woman who is so far out of my league that I’m surprised she even speaks to me? Probably...but think I'll be OK just the same.

It’s not you…It’s me

Most of us have heard (at some point in our romantic lives) the classic “It’s not you…It’s me”. I’d usually call out this falsehood with great quickness and stinging rebuff but what happens when it’s true?

The Fish Experiment continues but to date have only corresponded with one person. I’ve had several very good conversations and today was the first in-person meeting. I’d seen a photo but sometimes results vary which means what you see in the photo is not always what walks up to say hello. In this case, there was truth in advertising so off to a good start.

Let me start by saying there is nothing wrong with her…she’s witty, charming and educated. The conversation went well (at least I think it did) so guess my social awkwardness was taking the day off. After the meeting, it was time for post-game analysis…also known as “over-thinking everything with a healthy dose of self-doubt and confusion for good measure”. Being 50 miles from home, I knew it would be a long ride home.

I’ve never professed any real insight into anything of substance (especially relationships) but guess I expected to feel something beyond just conversation with a potential friend. I’m not talking about love at first sight but something like the slightly anxious feeling when you don’t want to say the wrong thing or finding yourself laughing for no good reason. Maybe I’ve been out of the game too long and my senses are off? Of course, I mistook acid reflux for true love and it took me 9.5 years to figure it out so not sure time off has anything to do with it!

In a most unexpected move, I’m looking for advice (Good lord, I must be desperate to ask this group : ) so add a comment letting me know how you knew your significant other was “the one”. Did you know right away or was it later? I’m especially interested in hearing from those divorced as I’m interested to know about people’s experiences the second time around. My own journey has given me more questions than answers so it’s me…really, it’s all me.

Everything after 'but'...

I’m proposing a radical shift in the way people deal with other people….especially when delivering bad news or rejection. For whatever reason, people seem to believe if you preface the news with kind words then insert a ‘but’ it makes everything afterwards OK. In response to this misguided belief, I’m proposing that anytime someone uses this technique that we (the recipients) simply state, “Everything after ‘but’…is bullsh*t!”

The insidiousness of the ‘but’ phenomenon is how it’s infiltrated all facets of life. To prove my point, think about the last time someone used ‘but’ and remember how you felt after the statement. I doubt it was very good unless the after statement was “you have to do my hot friend too”. This issue is everywhere and must be stamped out immediately if not sooner.

One place where ‘but’ lives without fear of retribution is the workplace. Think about all the times a co-worker (or other office idiot) has time to help you and has said, “I’d love to help but…” If you’d really love to help then you would! The better statement here would be to say, “I’d love to help you and wish I could. Instead, I want to go back to my desk and waste some time reading blogs”. Although I’d still need help, I’d appreciate the honesty knowing one day I could return the favor when they need my help.

The ‘but’ problem isn’t limited to your co-works as managers seem all too happy to jump on the band wagon. In this age of downsizing/layoffs, managers always want to be seen as sensitive to people’s feelings so they say stupid things like “You’ve done a great job and made many contributions but I have to let you go.” Do they really believe anyone is going to feel better knowing their valuable but now disposable? You could reply in anger but why not turn the tables and say, “You’ve been a great manager and your guidance helped me develop a perfect solution to your most critical issue but since I’m being let go then I’m sure you can figure it out.”

Relationships aren’t immune to the phenomenon either as people are less likely to tell the truth out of fears of hurting the other person. Who hasn’t heard this one, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” What does that even mean? If you don’t love someone anymore just say it and be gone (here’s how to break up in style). Of course, the perfect reply to this type of asinine statement is “I love you too and your sister was right….you really are becoming just like your mother.” I guess it’s true…you only hurt the ones you used to love.

You are now aware of the ‘but’ phenomenon so anytime you hear it, exercise your license to scream at the other person ‘that’s bullsh*t…just get to the point!” For those with culture, manners or a bit of shyness, you can just think this on the inside and smile knowing the person delivering the news is just a clueless tool waiting for their own ‘but’ moment.

Note: I’d like to apologize for the lengthy delay in posting. I’ll make every effort to post more often but life has been hectic so no guarantees. : )

Sign me up...

One of the coolest things about the Fish is it’s a free site but hosts ads for every pay dating site known to man. Pure genius…let your competition pay all the expenses and put a few dollars in your own pocket. The big name players are all represented but I was intrigued by a small, lesser known site called Together Christian. Not because of the religious affiliation (plenty of sites cater to that segment) but for their photo choices in targeted advertising.

Men and women have very different criteria when selecting a potential partner so sites have to be very strategic in their marketing. The firm that created these ads should be commended for supporting the old age stereotypes.

For Christian ladies looking for a good man, the website offers up this photo:

He’s a good looking, older gentleman and the prominent “selling points” on display are stability, maturity and good health (he’s in shape). I’d imagine this picture probably brought a few women to the site in search of Mr. Right. To make him even safer, he’s a “Certified Christian”….whatever that means.

For Christian men looking for a nice girl, the website offer up this photo:

Good Lord! Side profile shot to accentuate her silhouette and the golden blond hair casually draped over her exposed shoulder. The “selling points” are on prominent display along with a slender body and ample….youth. The site advertises it has 1000’s of members and you’re looking at what brought in 99% of them. The cruel irony here is if she’s a Christian then it’s a “look but don’t touch” proposition…now that's cruel! You may be in luck, however, since she’s not a “Certified Christian”.

Before people start to hate on me, please note that I’ve got nothing against any religion (OK…I don’t really like those guys who hand out flowers) but you have to admit it’s funny to see a Christian dating web site using a hot model to entice men to sign up. Could this be Phase Two of the experiment?

P.S. The page says “Christians Join for Free”…does that mean heathens have to pay a fee?