The Art of the Happy Ending…

There’s an art to the break up and few people take the time to create a true masterpiece. Maybe it’s because people read too many of those stupid relationship advice articles or just lack creativity and a sense of style? Maybe people are just too lazy to care? We spend so much time studying how to meet people that we often neglect the importance of knowing how to end it.

As part of my research to make this the best blog in the universe, I subject myself to the inanities of Cosmo (the answer to all problems is sex and the perfect O) and Marie Claire (my all-time favorite…completely useless advice) to get some female perspective on relationships. Outside of rehashing the same topics over and over, I have to laugh when they play the “man” to tell women how we feel or what’s in our head. The article above is a great example…let’s break it down from a man’s perspective:

Article: “You are not ruining someone's life; they will get over you some day.”
Man View: We’ll get over you as soon as we get laid again. Nothing says “what's her name?” like scoring with someone new…especially if she’s hotter than the ex. Bonus points if she’ll do all the things your ex wouldn’t even consider. Double bonus points if she let’s you film it!

Article: If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
Man View: What in the h*ll does honesty have to do with anything during a break up? Men really don't care about the "why"...you're leaving so don't bore us with all the reasons and brutual honesty. It's not like we're going to change...besides, we are already thinking about the girl at the office and all the other girls we'd like to meet.

Article: Make it fast…
Man View: Please do…we have other girls (who know you!) to meet and a long, drawn out commentary on the relationship wastes our time. It’s a common misconception that men will try to sleep with their ex’s friends to get even but not so…we’ll sleep with every girl you’ve ever been jealous of or hate! Why? Your friends are on the defensive (and wouldn’t betray you unless they secretly hate you) but all those other girls are lining up to stick the dagger deep in your back. They may be married, in a committed relationship, whatever…doesn’t matter, if they hate you enough; they will play their part in the “revenge”. Most, if not all will score "bonus points"...some will even get "Double Bonus Points"!

Article: Avoid cliché’s like "I love you; I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff.
Man View: Sure we do…women have been sold on the idea we’re too stupid to understand most things but we understand everything all while playing dumb. It’s OK…we probably told you “I love you” when we didn’t really mean it either.

Article: People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt.
Man View: Guilt? Not sure what that is but doesn’t sound like it would be any fun. A man will only beg, plead or cry (for goodness sakes…you’re a Man!) if he has no one lined up to take your place. I don’t mean a solid relationship that fulfills his every need…I mean a girl who is available for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. The domain of Guilt is strictly a female construct…men have no need or want for such a useless emotion.

Article: Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails.
Man View: We’ll only call if we have no other options for sex….period. We don’t want you back…if you’ve managed to hurt us then you’ve been reduced in stature from goddess/potential wife/mother of our children to the legions of nameless, faceless women we pass on the street every day. Men are strong, tough, and proud...if you hurt/betray/wound then we’re done with you (except for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit).

Article: The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.
Man View: The lack of a consistent message just tells us you’re bi-polar, manic or just plain crazy with other issues we want no part of in a long-term capacity. If we come back, it’s strictly part-time while we line up the next girl or for the occasional, no commitment, extremely fun and adventurous conjugal visit. I know it's mentioned above twice but can never be stressed enough in Man World!

Article: The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.
Man View: Nothing says “disrespect” like dropping a guy via text message when you’ve been together for any amount of time. Guys will tell other guys about your lack of courage (among all the other things you “lacked”) and they’ll tell their girlfriends….soon these women will be talking about what you lack and then it’s truly over! Women think men can be cruel…but we can never be as cruel as other women!

The male mind is complex and there's no way a magazine article will ever shed any meaningful light on it's workings...especially when it comes to relationships. When it's time to call it quits, don't try to get into our heads or other such nonsense...just do it and move on because we've got places to go and enemies to meet!

Author’s Note: The information above is purely for entertainment purposes only and doesn’t reflect the opinions/thoughts/past of the author in any capacity. If you were offended by the entry, please send me the name, age, phone number and brief description of all the women that are jealous of/hate you and I’ll do all I can to make it right...everybody smile ; )