How'd you meet again?

It happened again last night…two nights in a row. No, I didn’t get lucky (If that was the case I’d probably start believing in Santa again : ) I had a fleeting moment of loneliness and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the holidays? Nope! This is the absolute BEST time to be single! You never have to attend parties for your significant other’s annoying co-workers/friends, no dealing with the inevitable fistfights/arguments at the hillbilly family Christmas when they break out the moonshine (true story…) and never have to spend too much money on a gift he/she will never appreciate/use/etc. Being single at Christmas is about as perfect as can be but it’s the other 364 days that seem to be the challenge.

Research shows more people sign up for online dating in January than any other month of the year. I went this route a long time ago and found the whole experience humorous, humiliating, frustrating, annoying and ultimately, futile. The whole debacle starts with the profile…No matter what you put in there it always comes off like an ad for a used car.

“Low mileage, action-adventure guy with all working parts seeks compatible, like–minded female. Upgraded options included as well as plenty of storage space for additional baggage. Don’t pay full price for a new model when this gently used version is available right now and priced to move”.

The situation gets exponentially more comical after the dreaded profile is posted so future entries may be dedicated to some of my better moments. My views on Internet dating are well documented so what’s left for those of us not willing to be reduced to a “used person” ad on match.com?

The obvious first choice is a bar. Nothing makes you feel old like walking into a bar and immediately thinking it’s too smoky/loud/whatever…strike one. If you go by yourself, add another strike as you have virtually no chance of working yourself into any groups so prepare to stand off to the side sipping your over-priced drink. You won’t be ignored…oh no, EVERY single, 20-something, “woo” girl will be asking you to buy her a drink. Strike three if you buy her drinks… I don’t buy drinks for girls I’ve just met (not because I’m cheap but because it’s a suckers bet). Besides, what kind of relationship could you have with a woman who flashes strangers to get a $3 beer? If she’ll do that for a $3 beer then you really have to question what she’d do for a big money prize like dinner at Denney’s (Hey baby, I’ve got a coupon for the Grand Slam Breakfast!). She may have no self-respect but I feel a bit better knowing I still have some left.

Next stop, the old classic…the gym! You’re in an environment where you’ve got an ample supply of athletic women to choose from so how can this be a bad thing? For starters, most people want to be left alone when they work out and it’s especially true of women. Of course, you’ll get somewhere if you’re handsome, ripped and have a cool accent but let’s face reality; I tip the scale at 140 lbs (with wet hair) and am firmly in the average looking category so not much potential in a place where appearance reigns supreme. Then there's the "jock factor"...nothing knocks you out of contention like being told, “Hey, there’s a string hanging off your shirt” and then grabbing my arm! It’s not that I’m out of shape…it’s the lighting and all the mirrors conspiring to make me look like an anorexic version of Casper. Besides, for all the women there to pick up one of those muscle bound knuckleheads, I’ve got some bad news…they like guys too! Since genetics has doomed to me be 140 lbs forever, I decided to hit up a place where the playing field is a bit more level.

I’ve been told the trick to meeting educated women is to hang out in a bookstore. Supposedly, everyone in a bookstore on a Saturday night understands the dynamic (i.e. it’s an intellectual meet market!) so stake out a place in your favorite section and wait for the women. This actually sounded like a good idea until I tried it (kind of like holding a lit bottle rocket or being shot out of a cannon). My fatal flaw is I’m too practical most of the time. I started out in the computer book section as I needed to solve a problem for work so decided to kill two birds with one stone. Number of women in the computer book section…exactly ZERO. I quickly discovered computer books are the most effective form of birth control on the face of the planet as no woman would even approach the “Bermuda Triangle of Books”. I think the guy researching herpes two aisles over actually met a girl! By this point, I’d wasted an hour and wanted to be somewhere else…anywhere but there. Off to get coffee…and a new identity.

One of the online articles talked about how easy it was to meet girls at the coffee shop and how all guys should make it one of their “prime” places. I staked out my table at the Dilworth Coffee Shop and waited for the endless parade of available women looking for Mr. Nearly Perfect. The place was full of beatnik guys so my presence was immediately known….I guess it was the fact I was clean shaven, had bathed in the last 8 hours and actually had a job that set me apart. The few single women who came in were usually doing it for their lazy, beatnik boyfriends who couldn’t be bothered to actually get out of her car to get their own coffee. There was some random eye contact but they all seemed taken aback at the sight of me…maybe it was the uncontrollable twitching or speaking at a 100 mph from the three, fully caffeinated, grande whatever’s. The few who actually braved the caffeine fueled, speed speaking seemed a bit too “earthy” for my taste…I’m a strong advocate of bathing and the occasional shave. I’m OK with finding Bigfoot but just not OK with waking up next to her!

At the bottom of the list is the place of last resort…the grocery store. I’ve never meet girls at the supermarket…Maybe it’s because my cart usually consists of a bunch of vegetables, soy protein and cinnamon rolls (who can resist the ooey, gooey goodness?) so there aren’t many conversation starters in my basket. I once bumped carts with an attractive girl and tried to start a conversation with her. We made eye contact (she smiled so decided to take the chance) but, as I was scanning her cart, I missed the sudden look of horror on her face…I caught up pretty quickly when I noticed the box of tampons sitting (prominently) on top of the toilet paper. She was probably a very nice girl but who wants to tell the story of how we met over a box of feminine hygiene products to anyone? I learned two things after that experience…the first is to put personal items way down in the cart to avoid awkward moments and the second is to always have a clever/funny saying handy to buy time to make a graceful exit!

It’s hard enough to find places to meet decent people so if you have any suggestions, please post them in the comments section and I’ll try it out (and post the outcome ; )